..|] The Rad Adventures Of Sempai E [|..

dang

2007-07-09T13:31:00.000-05:00

And what do you do when all you can do is lay awake at night scared that you'll never wake up again.

i guess it doesn't matter, i'll never know.

some new drawings. or something like that.

2007-03-07T03:29:00.000-06:00

I hope you like... sorry the top one is so dark. i had to make it so you could see it or something... and uh yea. lots of editing went into this bottom one.. due to the fact you couldn't see the shading.. sooo.. be joyful. or something.

love.

just.my.size

2006-12-18T01:37:00.000-06:00

When I put a spike into my vein
Then I tell you things aren't quite the same
When I'm rushing on my run
When I feel higher than the sun

With the venomous kiss you gave me,
I'm killing loneliness
With the warmth of your kiss, you saved me
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you
The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb

Tearing off my life support
Wasting all my days
Words can fill your soul but all my pages turn away
And at my worst,
My stars will fall and burst

I'd go there if you let me,
they're never gonna find me now
My life is always empty
and in and out of doubt

How long will it take?
How long 'til this aching goes away?
How long should I stay?
How long should I keep myself awake?

And I'm not the kind who likes to tell you
Just what I want to
And I'm not the kind who needs to tell you
Just what you want me to

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see, no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I'm screaming underneath

And I know its not to get away from me,
I just need a change of scenery
So strange how everything went wrong so fast
And I hope that this confusion does not last

Sometimes when I'm alone
I wonder, is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Disobey my own decisions
I deserve all your suspicions
First it's yes and then it's no
I dilly dally down to you, oh
But I've got secrets that I battle in my sleep
I won't make promises to you that I can't keep

I'm living on shattered faith
The kind that likes to restrict your breath
Never been a better time than this
Suffocate on eternal bliss

I step right off the edge let the blood rush to my head
I'm going down to where the lucky ones have bled
I lift the veil up to reveal a fascination
And if you crave it then you know that you are injured

'Cause when the smack begins to flow
Then I really don't care anymore

Ah, when that heroin is in my blood
And the blood is in my head..
It's just like I am dead..

.....I can't really process much of my thoughts right now.. or at least.. well put them in order i suppose..

I seem so empty
My endless longing goes on
I'm living like I'm lost these days....

Everlong

2006-11-12T04:29:00.000-06:00

"I wanna live like never before
I wanna fly and never come down.."

I've been thinking lately.. of the man.. who found the treasure in the field, and how he buried it back up, rushed away to sell all he had so he could buy the field and obtain the treasure that lay beneath it's soil..

I think I admire this man.. how he stumbles upon this treasure and he's so eager and full of desire to have it.. he rushes out.. and just surrenders all he has.. all for this one thing... and i know it doesn't really sound like much and it's kind of like "well who on earth wouldn't do that?" well.. me for instance. Or at least that what it seems like.. here i am "haphazardly" stumbling onto the kingdom and slavation and grace and love and joy this treasure from God.. and i'm not running off to surrender everything that hinders me from getting it.. it's constantly beckoning me and calling me to just get on with it, surrender and obtain.. but my flesh is just screaming 'no' and in my depths i know that this is what i truely want.. to surrender and grab hold of the Kingdom.. but i falter and i fail and i procrastinate.. i try to side-step the whole "surrender" part and try to just obtain it.. and i'm denied.. and i get discouraged because of that.. but it's all just because i'm foolish and selfish... I need to learn how to surrender.. to constantly walk in surrender looking always at the prize of the Kingdom.

Heck, maybe one day we'll all learn and we'll stop being content with just sneaking into the field, only to dig it up, only to look at it for awhile, to only grab hold for a short while... and then to have to put it back in and dream of it the next moment... maybe then we'll be able to do greater things than He who delivered us.

i dunno.
peace

.

2006-11-03T18:54:00.000-06:00

my uncle just passed away...

my mom is having a really hard time and so is the rest of my family..

please pray

communication breakdown.

2006-11-02T23:55:00.000-06:00

I don't know really what to write..
I barely know what to pray..

my uncle probably has a couple days or so left..
he has stomach cancer and he's now in the hospital.. they are planning on taking him home though..
he can't eat or drink and barely move..

my mom is really upset, she already lost one brother to cancer..

so.. yea pray please.

love.

kidding.ourselves

2006-10-30T20:25:00.000-06:00

so... I have a growth on my neck.

the doc thought that it may be cancerous..

but praise Jesus, it isn't.

that's my update.

peace

Lions Kiss.

2006-10-17T01:27:00.000-05:00

Oh Lord how sweet you are..
Just breathing you in... O Father,
Your scent it carries me away.
Your words are like honey to my lips,
Your very touch consumes me
Oh Lord you are so sweet.
I just can't get enough
The very mention of your name,
It shakes my very being..
leaving me desperate for more..
Oh Lord you are so sweet.
Father you are my romance
I beg you please..
Take me deeper
Let me drown in you...

Oh Lord.. you are so sweet.

Good Morning, Hypocrite.

2006-10-08T04:01:00.000-05:00

I'm so stressed out.

I've got a job that barely gives me hours..

I've got debts to pay

I'm failing some classes..

I'm picking up another job..

My parents are constantly questioning me about my future.

My parents won't let me do what I want to do, concerning the future..

one word. Math.

I can't sleep..

I barely eat..

and the whole "not smoking" thing is getting harder.

I haven't yet.. but it's an ever constant in my mind...

ugh

set.the.fire.to.the.third.bar

2006-09-29T01:11:00.000-05:00

I think I need to break out.

Break out of this consistently busy never ending routine of mine..

Because I'm finding myself restless.. and I'm finding myself lonely.. and I'm finding myself empty..

why?

I think.. no.. I know it's because I'm lacking..

Lacking intimacy..

Lacking intimacy with my Father.. my Love.. my Lord..

It's kind of ridiculious.. how some of these last posts have been all about wanting Him.. but I keep finding myself in neglect.. I keep finding myself busying myself with uselessness. I find myself craving for passion.. but still wanting to live in this lethargic state...ugh..

You.Burn.First

2006-09-21T02:20:00.000-05:00

Why am I still so hurt by you...?

Why do you still drive me insane...?

Why do I still love you so damn much...?

Even though you look right past me...

Even though we never talk...

Even though you call only for favors...

Why?

I hear your words echo through my head;

Words that promised so much;

only to have you shatter them on the floor;

Only to have my heart break right along with them...

What have I become to you now?

I’m easily seeing the answer as 'nothing'

I hate you so much.

But let's be honest here... I love you, So much...

And now it’s killing me;

never hearing those words drip out of your mouth;

never again dwelling in their security…

Why did I let you in…?

I love you.

summer.skin

2006-09-18T16:23:00.001-05:00

Hmm.. this past weekend.. was pretty incredible.. it was such a good time.... first I got to spend two-ish hours driving alone.. without music. so.. I had a pretty good little chat with some fellow named Jesus.. arrived in Eston quickly said hello to all of my favorite people there, picked up Heather and went to saskatoon (almost dying on the way there.) where much fun was to be had and a night with the ever lovely Kirstie Seier. Got my lip pierced and a sweet new leather jacket.. so exciting.. travelled back to eston to enjoy a super service and I think God's been telling me a little bit about next year.. well not a little bit.. I guess where I'm spending the next year of my life isn't a little thing.. but I think I've clued in to what God has for me.. so it's pretty sweet.. I'm pretty sure I'll be going to eston.. Then after the service I got to chill with some of my favorite people.. spend a night with Laurie and got up went to church ate dinner chilled watched a bit of a movie.. then ditched town to drive in the freezing rain! It was such a good weekend.. thuroughly needed.. Since being home from SI my life has been so busy.. so full of work and school and just everything that I have obligations to.. keep me so busy and so tired.. so.. Jesus is sweet.. so so sweet..

hmm..

I think my favorite moment was during the sat night service.. where I just felt like i was resting upon my daddys chest.. it was good.

peace.
Eli

i don't know

2006-09-12T19:16:00.000-05:00

So I figured it was about time to give a little bit of an update...

well for starters i'm teaching sunday school this year.. and I'm leading team "Freedom"... uhm I'm still working at tim's and looking to pick up a job at the local art gallery aswell.. keeping smoke free for almost month three! but i dunno..

I just don't know..

i just keep finding myself in a place where i'm not satisfied with my life.. like.. I dunno.. so what if i quit drugs or smoking or cutting or drinking.. who cares? like.. what does it matter? what am i doing with that? how am i using this to glorify my God? what am i doing in life to draw praise to Him? because i'm pretty damn sure that what i'm doing isn't enough.

actually.

i'm pretty sure i'm not really doing anything.
it's like.. i've won the race.. but since that's all i've known.. i'm still running.

and that is pretty ridiculious.

i don't want to just stand around and say no to everything.. i don't want to spend my life quitting. I want to start things.. to start saying yes to things.. to help other people start things.. to help others say yes to things..

i dunno.. i see all of my actions and my words.. and it's pretty ridiculious.. and in all honestly.. i am nervous about what others think of me.. i'm a sucker for acceptance.. and to start actually living out and speaking out God.. is scary as hell.

a big challenge is my words.. like... whether we like it or not every word the comes out of our mouths will influence someone. and a lot of what i have been saying has a lot of emptyness to it.. a lot of death attached to it. and.. our words are just falling to the ground.. and people around are influenced by it.. see our words are kinda like gum on the floor.. they end up getting stepped on and it sticks to peoples shoes and eventually that's what people are walking on, that is their foundation, because no matter what, we lead and influence people... with every word and action..

i dunno if any of this makes sense.. i'm not sure it makes sense to me..

blah.

.fallen.leaves.

2006-09-07T02:41:00.000-05:00

this is so hard.
I'm freaking out..

all I can think about is having that one little drag... that one last hit..

o my goodness..

all I can think about is ciggarettes.

I.. I'll be honest.. this is one of the hardest things ever...

All I hear from people is that I'll be smoking again within the month...

it's what I dream about..

and.. what if they are right?

and I just..

I didn't think.. I just was asked too... so I did.. like it wasn't much.. just lit it for her..

but honestly.

what am I doing.

Oh, Father help me... I can't do this..

Getting.back.on.the.roof...

2006-09-06T00:46:00.000-05:00

Another season of youth is coming up.. and every third friday of the month we do this thing called "on this rock" and with that comes the question of the dance team.. the drama team... and this year God tossed a lot of oppurtunity to get involved on my plate.. my youth pastors and the leaders involved with OTR have decided to open it up and get the youth more involved.. we have the oppurtunity to help/lead in areas like:
-Music/Worship (singing/playing/sound tech)
-Drama (leading/writing script/acting)
-Dance (leading/dancer)
-Media (video/photography/web design)
-Events Coordinating (Planning and such)
-Barnabas Ministry (Prayer for OTR/Counsel/encouragement to others)

and part of me just wants to jump right in.. but part of me is so scared.. like.. I want to do things like lead drama and dance and get involved with media stuff like photography and web stuff.. get a little involved with planning events like I want to set up a coffee shop kinda thing and I want to get involved in the Barnabas program.. like I'm so down with taking people out for coffee and encouraging them.. but.. after the previous years with the dance/drama team.. I'm nervous..

But something that God was telling me at bootcamp is that I do need to get back on the roof as Tim would say.. that I wasn't a failure with the dance team.. and that I need to start encouraging others and start living out in freedom and help others do that aswell..

So.. even with all that.. why am I still so scared..

I just don't know..

but I'm out..
peace

no.really.

2006-09-05T01:45:00.000-05:00

so the question is "Eliza what are you thinking writing this, don't you know you'll probably end up kicked out of class?!"

and the answer is "yes I do know and no I have no idea what I'm doing writing this!"

so.. I have this crazy english teacher.. who i had in grade nine for homeroom/social/english and uh there was assignment she gave us back in the day that was a letter to the editor.. it was to be an opinionated letter on an issue that you were concerned with and it could be wrote on anything.. so my one friend writes hers and it's about how christianity should be allowed in schools if evolution is.. because in all reality evolution is just a theory.. and i write mine on baby engineering and how it's freaking wrong.. and so what happens is.. I get an F on my paper and my other friend almost gets kicked out of class. the teacher ends up taking our papers as a personal attack against her because of what she believes/teaches... and hates us for the rest of the year... which is why my friend and I almost failed grade nine. So welcome to English B 30. This years opening assignment is "Where do you come from" and I have to write about where my ancestors came from and two qualities that I have that could be linked to them and a Current Event I'm concerned with and my future goals.. So I get everything down pretty much minus the whole "qualities" part.. like honestly.. what am i supposed to put "well I like perogies 'coz i'm german and I'm down with rap because i'm 16% black."

and so after a bit of a chat with my mom she tells me that some qualities I have are being free spirited and being a christian.. ask me later how that works.. and so why.. why in the world am I writing these..

I don't know.

but it would be super if I could get a lil' prayer action going on here..

because this whole term is going to be a little english party... and i'm kinda nervous.

.days.

2006-09-03T19:06:00.000-05:00

So... I'm in grade twelve.. and I'm sure that almost everyone and their dog has asked me "well geeze Eliza what are you doing with your life then?"

and well
the honest answer is "well geeze, I have no idea!"

and that is kinda starting to freak me out a little.. mostly because majority of the people I know are either moving onto the next step of their life.. or they already have their next step planned out.. and I'm kinda sitting around twiddling my thumbs..

It honestly just dawned on me a few days ago.. that I'm actually graduating.. and I have to kinda get together what I'm doing with my life..

so.. I just don't know what to do..

There's so many choices.. and I'm captain indecisive.. and my mom drills me almost 4 times a week about what I'm doing.. bah..

..but secretly.. I think I know where I'll end up.. and secretly I think I know what God has in plan for me for the next 5ish years of my life.... but I'm so nervous about this.. and to go right out and say it scares me.. and I don't know why..

and I'm secretly unsure about this whole thing.. and secretly I'm worried sick that this may not be what He has for me... and secretly.. I just don't know anything..

I'm pretty sure the only thing I know is that I just want what He wants for my life... I dunno how that looks exactly... but.. I'm okay with that...

the.art.of.losing.myself

2006-09-03T02:53:00.001-05:00

I can't sleep.
I just....

I'm being kept awake by this hunger..

I want to find myself consumed, engulfed, buried, overwhelmed, drowning, flooded, submerged, overcome, overloaded, immersed, lost, captivated, covered, surrounded, infatuated, enraptured, enthralled, drowning, however you want to say it..

I just want to be so lost in Jesus..

to be so utterly lost

I just can't contain myself..

honestly though.. where else is there to be?

i just.. ugh.. i don't know what to say.. i don't know what this has to do with anything or why i'm even writing this.. i just.. i dunno.. i need to go..

Father.. I want you.. more and more.. I just want you.. Jesus let me get lost in you.. take me deeper.. Father be my romance... be my first love.. I want you.

.hard.

2006-08-29T02:16:00.000-05:00

Today celebrates week number four.

week number four you ask?

yes.. week number four..

a whole month has gone by..

a whole month without a smoke..

it's definantly different being home..

majority of people I know/hang out with smoke..

so it's very hard..

but...

I am more than a conqueror in Christ..

So I will continue in my pursuit..

for what can man do to me?

run.baby.run

2006-08-24T13:35:00.000-05:00

Everyday before s.i.. for well.. about a month before.. I awoke to my phone ringing.. I'd forget who it would be.. panick to answer it.. only to hear the exact same voice as I did the day before.. Matt, the telemarketer.. trying to sell me a credit card.. and now that I'm home.. I'm waking up to something new.. maybe it's because I'm sleeping upstairs these days.. but it's new to me.. everyday.. I've been waking up to a little girl across the street and a few houses down... waking up to hear her screaming.. screaming for her dad.. and so I wake up startled.. thinking some child just got hit by a car.. looking out my window to see this little girl running barefoot and nearly naked down the street trying to catch her dad while he's driving off.. and that honestly puts me in my place for the day.. I want to be that little girl running unashamed and totally oblivious to what anyone thinks... all that matters to her is getting to her dad.. the gravel on the road may hurt.. but the prize.. is so worth it...

Father... I want you..

home.time...[ getting.into.You ]

2006-08-21T20:40:00.000-05:00

So.. I'm home. For those of you who are completely out of the loop I attended Street Invaders this year. What can I say about these past three weeks.. well... definantly some hard weeks.. definently a lot of growing... and a lot of brokenness.. Hmm I am not really sure where to begin.. Well... sooooo let's just start at a little bit before.. I in all honesty.. did not want to go.. at all.. because well... I really just wanted to stay home this summer and not do anything.. But God definantly had different plans than I did.. So I ended up back at s.i. under the leadership of Ashley and Laurie.. and.. hmm bootcamp.. well.. honestly all week had it's hardships but it was definantly so good.. all I could find myself doing was just praising God.. and every single day I was just drawn to be facedown before my God.. I'm infatuated with the psalms.. my new hobby is just reading them out loud.. hmm.. a couple things that were hard for me during boot camp was actually just getting up and praying for people.. I struggle with that.. praying out loud for other people I don't know... is scary for me.. so that was something God did a little work on during bootcamp.. another thing was dance.. I hadn't danced probably since sr.high. I grew some insecurities with it.. and so God tore them down.. another thing that was a wee bit hard was writing my little manifesto for the Timothy class.. it took me awhile to write it.. but it came out something like this "My desire for this year is to become hopelessly wrecked.. to be consumed to a point near drowning..." there was a little more to it.. but.. that was the jist of it.. and I really don't want that to be just for s.i.. I want it to be for my life.. hmm.. my team had to be the weirdest team possible.. but it was awesome.. I travelled to a little town by the name of Kipling and then for the next week I went to Carlyle and spent two evenings in Stoughton... and man.. the kids there.. wow.. God definantly broke my heart.. like... I couldn't even pray for these kids without bawling. Heck, I can barely even think about these kids without tears forming.. so much of their lives.. so familiar to mine.. and I can't handle that.. hmm.. I had to do a lot of things this year.. that I did not want to do... but God carried me through.. and I could go on about the things that took place but.. that would be too long.. and now I'm home.. and for once in my life.. I'm glad/excited to be here.. I'm not completely sure why.. but I am.. I'm coming home to a lot.. a lot of junk.. a lot of broken people.. but in the midst of north battleford.. there's Jesus.. and He's stirring up something big.. I'm coming home to hear stories of healings.. of people broken on their faces before God.. of glory dust.. and angels.. of gems.. and visitations.. I'm coming home to my last year of high school.. to quitting my job.. walking into a new one.. (definantly just walked into tims joked about needing a job got told to fill out an application got an interview on the spot and am currently waiting for a call to tell me when i start) God is crazy good.. and this year... is going to be amazing.. and i'm excited for it.. for everything.. for the blessings and the struggles... because God is good.. and I shall rejoice and be glad in Him..

peace,
Eliza

We Hide Behind The Crimson Door..

2006-07-23T00:50:00.000-05:00

Well I haven't really posted in awhile so I figure I should give it a go tonight.. well for a start these past few days have been such a blessing.. I really wanted to go to this thing called warped tour.. because basically my top 5 favorite bands would be there.. but it turned out that I worked and the people I originally planned on going with bailed out.. but I ended up talking to this girl I worked with and she was all set to go.. so I talked to some people and I managed to get the days off that I needed... but it then turned out Michelle had no money, so no ride, and noone to go with.. then, my old manager showed up in town.. and said he could give me a lift to cow town.. so I picked up a ticket.. rode 8 hours (we went through edmonton 'coz he had to see his momma) arrived in calgary.. slept in a room with crickets.. woke up.. and had no clue how to get to the race track. But the Ben saved the day with directions and cash for the bus! found my way to the track.. walked an hour. and found Mike V! I was then found by some homies from cow town and after all was said and done ended up with a ride back to my bros'.. got to see some few hot people that ended up blessing/helping me out with a ride to the depot.. and riding nine hours with some man headed for p.a. and a carny running away from the carnival. It was fun. God is good.

there's a sequel to the things I've done

2006-07-04T04:08:00.000-05:00

It's 4:10... am.. and I can't sleep.. the sun is just starting to rise.. and I find myself so restless that I can barely think.. I have started at least a million drawings.. but I end up erasing them all.. I've rendered countless pictures.. I've started about ten different blogs.. just trying to get a glimmer of this frustration out.. cutting has even crossed my mind.. but nothing seems to satisfy... nothing brings release... but I know somethings up.. God has something in store.. and I just can't seem to tap into it.. it's driving me insane. I can't sleep.. I can't eat.. all I can do is sit here and think and think and think and each and every thought is leading me nowhere, only adding to the frustration I'm feeling.. I just want to scream.. and just run.. and run and run and run until I can barely move.. until I can barely breathe.. barely talk... It almost feels like there is a fire inside and I'm slowly coming undone..

darn quirks.

2006-07-02T03:43:00.000-05:00

So I am pretty stressed right now..
but since when was that new?

A big portion of it has to do with Daniel.. not because of him.. just people keep bugging me about him and asking if we're dating or if we are and not just telling anyone.. this one girl at works asks me every time I see her if we've kissed yet.. some of my friends refer to him as 'my lover' and another refers to us as her favorite hollywood couple..
It is so annoying
don't get me wrong.. I do like Daniel
but right now.. we're just best friends.. and it's exactly what God has for us right now and I am perfectly content with this.. I don't want to end up hurting him or ruining our friendship or end up getting hurt by him.. just because I chose to ignore Christ and chase after my flesh.. I've learned my lesson.. I don't need to go through that again and I don't want to drag Daniel through it either..neither of us are ready to date.. and with this friendship that we have now we just want to pursue Christ in it.. and it's hard with people making their little quirks...

Another thing is that I've been feeling so restless lately.. and I don't know why.. it's keeping me awake at night.. ugh there's so much.. but I don't know how to get it out into words..

roadtrips!!!

2006-06-26T02:22:00.000-05:00

Firstly I have to tell you all.. go out and get yourself a nectarene.. they are so good.

secondly.. this past weekend i enjoyed the lovely Mellisa Enns' company while we travelled together on the roadtrip of terror to edmonton and back for Carol-Lynne Atkey's (now Quinn) wedding.. (Ashley you owe me your firstborn for not showing up.) Definantly got lost in Vegreville.. it's like a black hole.. avoid it at all costs. I learned that despite what some people may say.. I am a good driver.. whenever I go out of town with people and we're in a larger city.. I always end up driving... so I am a good driver.. despite what some of my youth group freaking thinks. I was a candle lighter at this wedding.. only to arrive and find out.. that Mellisa and I had to light about I dunno.. 50ish candles each.. they were even along the aisle.. my biggest fear was walking down this aisle.. bending over to light a candle.. only to fall over because this thing is on a fairly good slant... and end up lighting everything on fire... by the time I got to the last candles. my hands were shaking like mad. Overall it was a pretty sweet wedding.. had a Braveheart/music theme.. Carol-Lynne looked extravagantly gorgeous.. uhm other than that the trip involved getting lost a whole freaking lot. It was great!
but i'm going to bed.
peace.

...what

2006-06-19T02:20:00.001-05:00

This week has certainly proved to be interesting..
Thursday was a really hard day.. travelled out to the accident site and then the cemetary to just lay flowers and take time to remember the girls with a few friends.. and while out there being awkwardly hit on by my one friend.. the next night i was required at the Legion because i was involved in putting on a show there.. only to run into Jesse.. the driver of the car.. then to go back inside to see my friend Matt who survived.. and then go back outside to see John.. another guy from the crash.. then to travel back inside to see one of the girls sister.. it was a tension filled night.. Saturday was full of work.. and movie watching with friends.. then late night talks about Jesus/life.. Today was full of church goodness picnics and rumaging through the bushes with Daniel.. because he insists on making his own trails through the grossest bushes I've ever seen.. all moss/fungus covered.. it was so disgusting.. but I got a pretty good picture out of it.. (see picture above.) but of course the day had to have something in it to make me truely appreciate the awesomeness of the rest of my day.. and todays bad part was brought to you by going to work.. basically.. what happened is that we ended up closing three hours early because the one guy (who has worked there for two months) screwed everything up so bad that three tables left and the earliest a delivery got out was 77 minutes. and everything was a complete mess and not only the waitress was going to walk out.. but my manager was aswell.. and I was due to follow. I basically had to pull super pro pizza-maker-kid to save the freaking day. Honestly this kid doesn't even know what fettechini (sp?) noodles are.. it was so frustrating.. and God so saved the day by providing me with enough self restraint and strength to make it through work without stabbing people and with the ability to get things done..
but over all.. it was good.. and my Dad took care of the bad parts.. so it was pretty sweet...

anyways that was the update.
peace.

June 15th.

2006-06-15T02:00:00.000-05:00

Take three minutes.

up...to the date... or something..

2006-06-13T00:47:00.000-05:00

Holy man I haven't been at this in awhile..
I've been pretty busy lately.. started back at work.. only to end up missing my second and third shift due to my friend passing away and then the funeral.. then I have finals coming up so my weeks have been full of reviews and studying at school.. working at getting my photo's (*pic's here*) into the local gallery... and then if I'm not at school or work or doing endless running around I'm at church.. and if I choose to procastinate I'm out with friends.. life has been busy.. and God has been good.. I don't really know what else to say.. I've been constantly learning how to be living a life based upon truth and not just be chasing after emotions and temporary highs.. how to properly deal with my 'failures'.. and uhm a few other things.. but i gotta go to bed.. just figured i'd give a lil' update..

peace,
Eliza

side note...
June 15th is quickly approaching.. and on that day last year three of my friends that i grew up with died.. and it would be greatly appreciated if you could keep in prayer their family and friends along with all the students and staff at the comp highschool here in north battleford.. it's going to be a really hard day.. thanks

Emma's Song.

2006-06-07T01:30:00.000-05:00

Is it possible.. to be in the middle of a crowd.. yet be so utterly alone?
For the past few days it's how I've been feeling..
Today was especially hard, sitting in this foriegn school.. hearing whispers surrounding my friends death.. and there I sat.. the only one who actually knew him.. I've never felt so alone in my life.
But the age old truth is that we're not alone.
My Father has me.. and He isn't going to abandon me.. He understands my pain, my heart.. and now that I'm again facing a season of being stripped of my crutches.. He's becoming my everything.. I'm learning that He alone is sufficient..

"Don't be afraid to blindly leap, 'coz the more you fly, the more you'll see"

June..month of tragedy

2006-06-05T01:37:00.000-05:00

Well, it sure has been awhile since I posted anything..
The past two weeks have been full of blessing and sorrow.. I was able to see Jane and Delia and that was a pretty big blessing.. nothing much happened i pretty much.. went to school.. and then did nothing.. just relaxed and hung out with friends.. which was pretty sweet.. but today I learned that a friend of mine whom I grew up with died last night.. I was pretty much at a loss as to what I should be doing with myself for most of the day.. I think one of the worst things anyone has to do is tell someone that a friend/relative has died.. a couple of my friends just got back into town and I had to tell them.. and the five of us just ended up going to our church.. and my one friend played piano/sang and the rest of us just.. worshipped/prayed.. and for the first.. in what seems like long time.. I danced. and I ended up just collapsing on the floor and it felt as though I fell into my Fathers arms and collapsed against His chest.. and things may hurt now.. and seem all dark.. but in that moment.. I found hope.. and assurance that things will be okay.. because my Father fights for the good of those who love Him..

please pray..

...? i dont' even know.

2006-05-22T03:23:00.000-05:00

So as I sit here and write this, my best friend is dancing the night away on extacy.. and, I just.. don't know what to do. So.. I sent her a txt message and I ask her what she's up to and she replies that she's just chilling with the girls and that my brother just showed up.. and i send back "o neat" and she replies with a "yea everyones fuked up" and I ask "are you" and she replys "maybe" and I send back "yes or no?" and she sends "I love you" and I tell her that I love her too and she replies "yes" and I ask why.. and she says "why not..." and i send back "Jesus?" and she replies "whatever i'm going to go dance" and so I just told her that I loved her and if she needed anything to just call and if she wanted to leave I'd come get her.. got a couple people to pray for her..
So as I sit here, worrying about her and trying to figure out what exactly happened that made her decide this, I'm finding myself trying to take the blame.. by being a bad example, saying the wrong things, not loving Jesus enough.. which is all pretty gosh darn ridiculious.. but.. I still can't help but wonder if any of those things had to do with her decision...
Which leads me to thinking about the people who loved me while I went out and got all messed on drugs... I am so sorry... I never meant to make you worry.. Thank you so much for it though.. with out it I probably wouldn't have ever got around to straightening up my act..

And so as today marks my year of sobriety from drugs.. I sit here.. and feel helpless because my best friend is out on E.. and all I can do is pray.. So it would be really sweet of you if you could remember Shannon in your prayers.. thanks... sorry that this kinda jumped around all over..

"Get up, get out, get away from these liars.. 'Coz they don't get your soul or your fire. Take my hand knot your fingers through mine, and we'll walk out of this dark room for the last time"

-Eliza

......hurt

2006-05-16T23:47:00.000-05:00

There wasn't anything special about today.. it was the basic tuesday routine.. except instead of bible study we made pizza for our fundraiser.. so.. at the end of the night.. i'm loading up pizza in my car to take home so i can deliver them to people tomorrow.. and I made the mistake of going out the mix doors.. there's these guys standing across the street.. and they start loudly commenting "what the fuck is that?" and then these girls walk out the mix doors and start loudly commenting on my looks and making bets on which gender i belonged too.. and of course they join together and i walk to the other door of my car to get in and they start whislting at me sarcastically and yelling obscenities about how "hot" i am..
i didn't look at them.. didn't say anything to them.. just got in my car... turned it on.. drove away and focused on not crying.

and so basically..
i feel like shit.
you'd expect that after hearing things like that every other freaking day since i was little.. that i'd be able to just block it out by now...
but i guess that tonight was just a bit too much for me to handle..

so now... i think i'm going to just go lie in bed forever..

-eliza.

So.. it's monday.

2006-05-15T10:23:00.000-05:00

Bah, Mondays.. what an ugly word..
at least this Monday is at least..
and it's only 9:30 am..
the day has only just begun..

let's make a list of bad things that can happen between 7:30 am and 9:30...

1)waking up at 7:30
2)having to get my car
3)getting back home too late to go back to bed for more than 10 minutes.
4)driving to school.. only to try and squash a bug and ending up rear ending someone.
5)hearing a new clicking noise while driving
6)going to school
7)finding out that your class is on a field trip and you forgot to hand in your permission slip
8)having to go back home to miss the morning
9)having to phone your mom and tell her what happened

yup.. two hours.. of badness.
but.
God is good.. and I'm choosing to believe this. So even with all this crap that my morning has been filled with I know that the God I serve works for the good of those who love Him, and I happen to love Him. So, I can hold (or at least try my best) unswervingly to this hope that I profess.. and I can rest assured that my Father will make this day good.. somehow... I hope.

O, plus Edmonton was fun/good... a nice little break away from here...

peace,
Eliza-Jane Zachary Halter.

drained..

2006-05-11T01:23:00.000-05:00

These past few days.. have been so overwhelming.. I feel so drained.. So tired.. So broken..

All this stress just building up.. it's just been a bad week basically.. and for some unknown reason.. God and I wrestled... and He won.. and so.. I'm done for good.. ciggarettes and I aren't associated anymore.. which makes everything seem so much harder.. and I'm sitting here watching my best friend make the wrong choices... and it breaks me.. because I can only sit.. and watch.. and be there for when things get messed up and plans fall through... it sucks.. I wrote a math test today.. and i only answered about 10 questions out of the 70... school is so stressfull.. and I have this whole week off work.. and I missed 5 days last week.. so my cheque is going to be next to nill.. and so this weekend.. I've decided to ditch out on everything and all of my silly responsibilities and run away to edmonton... to chill with my buds Carol-Lynne and Tabitha.. It shall be exciting.. it's going to be a year for me being sober soon.. that's pretty neat.. and then in June I'll be completely cpt.sober for a whole year.. God is so good.
word.

sweetness

2006-05-08T00:29:00.000-05:00

WOOOOOO
Man I love Jesus.
Today was awesome.
So if you've been doing your homework you know that there's this boy I like named Daniel (pictured in the post below) and man lately there's been all this pressure to like date this kid from all these different people and my own thoughts aswell.. and it was driving me up the wall because I honestly know that I'm not ready to date anyone.. or get married for that matter. and that I really want to have a really good friendship with someone before i just dive on in and date them.. and above all.. i just want it completely in God's hands and in His timing.. because I've rushed in and ignored God in past relationships and have gotten tremendously hurt because of it..
Then.. today happened.
Today in church.. I was praying and I just said "God.. here's my desire.. and here's Daniel... I can't handle this.. and it's way better in your hands."
So.. then I went to DQ where I ran into my one friend and we went off and talked about this whole thing and it actually just made me re-assured that Daniel was an amazing man of God.
Then I went to football.. played that for a couple hours and then hung out with Daniel and Shylah for a couple more hours.. Then Daniel and I took Shylahs sister to a bible study.. then we went out to the nut house to go for a walk.. and we walked around this one path for like an hour and then went down to the river to hop sand bars and he pops this question "so whats the biggest struggle you think you'll be facing this year?" and I say "probably some relationships and Shannon and some stuff" and we talk about it for a little bit and then i pop it back at him and he says "definantly relationships" and he pretty much said all that I said up there about wanting friendship and not being ready to date and letting it be directed by God.. and it was so great.. lol i sound insane.. most girls would probably be crying and freaking out that the guy they like only wants to be friends with them. But this.. this friendship is beautiful and if this is what God wants us to be.. I'm prefectly fine..

baaaaah
I'm so relieved.

check this out.

2006-05-07T01:01:00.000-05:00

yea..
If you're ever bored.. go check this out
www.ninja-e.deviantart.com ...it's some pictures i've taken..

yea.
and this is a picture of me and the boy (Daniel) I like

at any rate...
life.. bah.
and that's the end of that.
peace.
Eliza

re-arranged.

2006-05-02T00:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes (well a lot in the past few years at least) my life radically changes.. and seems to fall apart...

But I'm coming to learn.. that really.. my life isn't falling apart.. things are just being re-arranged.. and God is taking parts of my life and the people in it.. and giving things a new look and rebuilding and renovating and re-arranging.. because what is life without those things? boring and bland. Sure there is pain in things being re-moved and torn down and thrown out and put in different places of my life.. but with it always comes something new.. new things, new people, a new perspective and something new to hang on my wall..

I'm not very excited to have things re-arranged... and to have all this new construction done.. because of course it involves pain, patience, work, and perserverance.. and honestly.. who looks forward to pain and work? (well unless you're emo and you're all into self harm.... then you might be.. but i'm too cool for that now. lol.) and it's scary to put your life in the hands of an Architect who hasn't even told you what it's going to look like when it's finished.. but that's where faith comes in I suppose..

-Eliza

torn.apart

2006-05-01T01:37:00.000-05:00

My uncle has around a year to live.
He has cancer again.
and... I went for supper at my grandma's... and visited with him and the rest of the family..
then I left.. went to Shannons.. and lit up a smoke.

I'm so disgusted with myself.. I honestly almost started to cry.

What am I doing with my life?

I was thinking earlier.. about when Shannon and Co. will be gone... and I'm so scared.

Friends are getting all caught up in the world..
and my heart is breaking...
and I don't know what to do..
and I'm so scared.

Zeph 3:17
The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing

.all.men.lose.heart.

2006-04-20T03:59:00.000-05:00

So.. Shannon, kinda just.. blew up at me tonight.. She's definantly moving to Calgary with my brother and Lindsey this summer.. and she didn't tell me this very nicely.. and then when she asked for my opinion/feelings on the matter.. she just.. ridiculed them and told me to suck it up because it's life. well.. it's been my life for the past.. what? 7 years? and i'm sick of going through it.. and it was such an ugly repeat of a certain night in a room of fgbc.. and i don't want to deal with this again.. why must i wear my heart on my sleeve? and isn't it just awesome that it's like.. three in one?! and isn't it just awesome.. that the only people i have.. are leaving and i can't go with them? and isn't it just awesome that it had to happen just after i started struggling with things from my past.. and isn't it just awesome that when i look for distraction i open up a random container on this desk to find a single orange exacto knife? just lying there.. crying out for my hands to pick it up and make a mess out of myself? but i don't want to lose heart.

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

uhm...

2006-04-16T02:12:00.000-05:00

Sooo.... there's this boy..
and uhm.. i think i like him..
we went out for coffee tonight after chillin with everyone from youth... and told eachother our testimonies.. it was sweet.. and we just sat in silence for like 20 minutes.. and it was like.. not even awkward at all.. and i dunno.. i really do like him.. and it's so hard to pray about this.. because my own thoughts/wants are definantly blocking out Gods words on the matter.. but I think.. for now.. i'm supposed to keep it to being friends.. and then go from there.. which is going to be hard.. because.. this guy is practically amazing.

*sigh*

anyways..
it would be neat if whoever reads this.. could keep me in your prayers about this.. that i wouldn't get all caught up in this and allow things to go where they aren't supposed to... and that i'd be able to keep focused on what God wants.. because hey.. that's the only thing that matters..

peace out,
Eliza-Jane

...stand.still...

2006-04-09T00:27:00.000-05:00

That's where I'm at..
and I'm so lost..
and I'm so disgusted..
and I'm so broken..
and I'm so alone..

but yet I've been captured.

falling clumsily into these grace filled arms..

relaxing against my Fathers chest..

and listening for His heartbeat..

these are the moments I long for.

...hide

2006-04-04T23:57:00.000-05:00

That's all I really want to do right now.. just hide..
I'm so stressed out...
my car
school
work
certain people
the past
temptations
tests
etc..

and with all these things they just slowly build up.. today someone stole something from me that was very important and I lost my wallet earlier.. I really just wish I had someone to hold me.. I'm pretty sure thats all I've ever wanted.. just someone to hold me and reassure me that I am beautiful, and that I am loved... because it's so easy to forget in this world..

For now I'm going to go sleep in the arms of my Father.. hide myself in His hands.. and rest upon the fact that He works for the good of those who love Him..

What else is there?

.......lost

2006-03-30T22:50:00.000-06:00

So.. I'm at a loss for what to do..
See there's this girl.. that I love.. and she told me she might be moving today..
I don't think that I could handle that..
See.. the thing is.. all through my life.. I've just had broken relationships.. with my brother.. and with my mom.. and my dad.. all of them broke trust with me.. and then all of my life all the friends I've ever had.. we're never really close to me.. because I've always had this issue with trust.. and not letting people into my life.. and so then this one other girl came into my life and she was the only one I ever really let into my life.. and then..things happen.. trust was broken.. and she left.. and now we don't even really talk.. even when she is back home.. and i swore to myself that i wouldn't ever trust anyone again like i did with her.. and then this boy came along.. and i lost so much to him.. and he left me broken.. and i swore to myself again.. that i wouldn't let anyone else into my life.. and then.. she came into my life.. and i.. i let it happen again.. and now.. she might be moving.. and..and i just don't think i could handle if she did leave.. why do i get myself into these relationships.. why?! honestly i don't know why i do this to myself.. why i haven't learned.. i just don't know what to do.. i hate this... I don't want to go back to being alone.. i don't think i can handle being stripped of another person i love.. and i so think this decision isn't the right one.. not just because i'm really selfish and want her to stay.. but because i honestly think it's not what God wants for her.. but i don't know what to say to her.. fuck.

This Political Shakedown.

2006-03-21T23:33:00.000-06:00

I couldn't think of a better title.. and that's a line from a song I'm listening too.. it's called War Sucks (Let's Party) by my favorite band... aka Anti-Flag. word.

So.. It's been decided... I'm going to apply for the Australia team this coming pay cheque... so this saturday.. I'm filling out my form tonight.. getting Scott to fill out the pastoral form... and sending it all away on monday... I think this is what I'm supposed to do... I'm really excited.. this is definantly a faith building experience.. because I definantly don't have the 4 G's to go... but, I'm believing God is gonna provide.... I'm taking 200$$ from every pay cheque plus I'm going to fundraise like mad to do this... but hey if God is telling you to donate me money for this.. go hard! lol..
on another note..
lately.. all these people keep talking to me about drugs.. and how good they are.. and it's driving me insane.. I want to just.. go and freaking do some. But that would be ridiculious... and I keep having these like.. "dreams" about cutting.. it's sick... but I will choose to deny this desire of the flesh.. because God is so much better.. I've come so close to ruining my life so many times with this stuff.. and I'm choosing to deny it and follow God... it's hard at times.. but hey.. what can ya do?
Job 13 : 15
Though He slay me, I will put my hope in Him, surely I will defend my ways to His face.

word.
love ya.
Eliza-Jane

stress.

2006-03-14T22:25:00.000-06:00

These past two weeks have brought many joys.. but so much stress.. on friday I was told if I missed one more class... excused or unexcused.. I'd be kicked out of school.. and for the past two weeks I've been getting home at like 11.. staying up to do homework and stuff till midnight.. reading my bible and this other book till 12:30-1.. and then my dad has been waking me up at 5:30.. quarter to 6.. so I can drive him to work.. then I get home at 6:30.. and try to sleep till 8.. picking up Shannon.. almost being late for school every morning.. trying to stay awake.. then go for lunch buy Shannon and myself something to eat.. and my car is running on E.. I don't know how much $$ I have in the bank and I'm not sure how much longer my car can make it.. get back to school.. try to stay awake during christian ethics.. go to math to get more stressed out because I suck at math and I'm failing the class and I hate it so much and try to stay awake in it.. leave.. have an hour to myself.. then either go to work till 9ish..10ish or go to church till 10ish.. then take Shannon home then try to get everything done that I needed to do in the day.. I'm not sure how much longer I can go like this.. I'm so tired.. in every way.. physically.. mentally.. spiritually.. but I'm going to go and get a head start and an extra hour of sleep.. love you all.

-Eliza

Joy and sorrow

2006-03-13T22:47:00.000-06:00

Today wasn't the best of days for me.. I think it had something to do with me waking up at 6 am (after going to sleep at 1 am) to drive my dad to work.. it's never pleasent... or going to school.. or going into work.. but I'm realizing I shouldn't base my attitude/emotions on the scenarios unfolding around me.. because He is the hope I profess.. He is my joy. On Him is where I set my gaze.. even with this world around me full of death.. I can still find Joy and Hope.. love and acceptance.. in my Father.. and this makes it all worth it.. because compared to eternity.. this is nothing but a speck of sand on the seashore.. isn't that wonderful? I certainly think so..

Part II

on saturday this guy I know.. hung himself.. and he wasn't a christian.. I've only met him about three times.. and I never once told him about Jesus.. how foolish is that? Another one of God's Kid's is in hell.. and it's ridiculious.. and I'm upset about it now.. but tomorrow I'm going to see all the same people.. and I'm going to act the same way.. and I'm not going to say one word to them about their Father.. this apathy is killing me.. and killing others..I think I feel a little sick..

Up- to the - date

2006-03-08T23:02:00.000-06:00

So God... is ridiculiously amazingly good. Ever since Shannons been home.. all she can talk about is how freaking amazing Jesus is and how much He's changed her life.. just watching her.. blows me out of the water.. seeing how she can just go up to these people and just telling them out right what God did for her and how amazing He is.. is amazing.. all these people I could never imagine telling about Jesus.. she just goes and does it. Like my brother, or my brothers girlfriend for that matter.. it's insane. I remember when I first became a christian.. I was like 12.. and I'd tell people and they'd respond to me like I was a little kid and that it was just nothing and they'd quickly change the subject.. and then I became insecure about it... especially with the people I was close with.. because I was so scared that if I did share Jesus with them.. they'd just treat me like a five year old and reject me... man life has been so crazy... Soo today.. I get up go to Shannons to get her for school.. she's not ready.. so we skip first.. and then she's still not ready.. and I'm like "frick Shannon you have to go to school" and she's like "I don't want to" and I'm like "fine. we just won't go this morning, but we're going in the afternoon" and then we go for lunch with Scott.. and we go back to the house to get her binder.. and we go inside and she's like "I don't think I'm going to go this afternoon, I really don't want to" and so I got real angry and was thinking to myself that going to JP and stuff was such a waste.. because without Shannon being in JP with me I don't want to go.. because other than her and like two other people I don't really know anyone. And so I was like "frick, whatever I have to go to school." and I acted like a real big jerk.. and I left.. got to school late.. thought to myself "screw this" tried to start my car.. but it wouldn't.. finally got it started.. and I just had to get out.. and so I went to the old airport and got out of my car and walked around.. just started crying and yelling at God... for putting my in these relationships with people... for making me broken for people.. that I wish I could just quit.. and get so lost in sin and live in a freaking hole for the rest of my life.. because that would be so much easier.. and then God told me to stand up... so I did.. and I looked around.. and there was peace.. and God just said "Eliza.. I made all of this.. I made you.. I wrote out your life.. I have you in my arms.. Eliza you are taken care of.." it was awesome.. and then I go for coffee with Shannon and Lindsey (bros' gf.) and so Shannons telling us that earlier today she was praying got frustrated with everything and left a message on Lindseys msn saying that she messed up real bad and moving out was a mistake and how sorry she was.. but Shannon and I tottaly think this was God.. because instead of msging Lindsey she msg'ed Tyler.. who was the one who was angry at her.. and he said that she could move back in, meaning Shannons out of the relationship with Mitch.. and then I'm just talking to Lindsey on msn.. and she just told me that on monday night when Shannon and I went over and Shannon was telling them all about what God has done for her.. apperantly Tyler told Lindsey that after that.. he started thinking about becomming a christian.. and now I'm talking to Lindsey about it.. and apperantly she's real curious about it too.. and so they might be coming to church with me on sunday.. This is ridiculiously exciting. wow.. today.. has been crazy..

Praise God...

love,
Eliza

Sr.High

2006-03-05T19:02:00.000-06:00

Wow. Sr High was the best weekend of my entire life. Hahaha I know.. that sounds a little extreme but, honestly it is ranking high on my list of all time favorite experiences. I think the biggest reason was because my best friend (Shannon) became a christian. We were sitting together at chapel on friday night.. and the speaker (Carmen) did an alter call.. and Shannon and I kinda watch a few people go up and just lay face down, and then Shannon starts getting up and I'm thinking she wants to leave, and she hits me on the leg and is like "lets go" and so we walk up to the front and I just got to lay beside her at the altar while she just poured her heart out to God and became a christian.. it was one of the best moments of my life... I was so excited I nearly pee'd myself. This is honestly the best thing ever. I'm still so excited. wow..

(part two)
So tonight I was talking to Shanner (bahahaha, Shannon) and she's having a lot of difficulty concerning her boyfriend (he's a non-christian) and he's being a big jerk about her becoming a christian.. and this week is going to be really hard for her.. because she's considering/pretty much is breaking up with Mitch.. and so tonight we are driving around doing a few things (wooooo tim hortins) and this girl is amazing.. she just couldn't stop talking about how Jesus saved her and how her whole life has just changed... and we go over to my brothers new place and she just starts telling my brother and Lindsey about all this stuff that Jesus did for her and how amazing it's been.. and I was sitting there in awe... because that for me is the hardest thing to do. I just couldn't ever see myself talking to my brother about Jesus. So then we go over to her sisters place to see her dad and her sister and she just starts telling them... it's freaking awesome. So guys, please keep her in your prayers....thanks

God is so good.

Ps, Mary Joy, I'm really excited to see you. Plus you have to meet Shannon, you'll love her. Lovvveee yoooouuuu

geeze...

2006-03-01T00:19:00.000-06:00

Today.. my grandma.. (of all people.) Was bugging me about not having a boyfriend..

and that made me sad. lol...

........I'm calling..

2006-02-27T00:55:00.000-06:00

These Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees I’m crawlin’
Oh, I reach for you
Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I’m callin’
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m fallin’

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m fallin’
And all I see is you
These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I’m callin’
And all I need from you
Hurry I’m fallin’

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Hurry I’m fallin’

Ever have those days where you just don't see the point in continuing on? Today was one of those days for me.. pretty much hit with every old temptation... now that I think about it... it was kind of ridiculious. Everything looked so good.. so right.. and I'd catch myself.. thinking about just giving in.. and then thinking 'what the hell am I doing?' but it's just been so long since I've heard His voice.. I'm just acting careless I suppose..

Part II
Today I went over to Shannon's house after church, and apperantly her and her boyfriend got into an argument this morning that was pretty bad.. and she thinks moving in with him was a mistake... and I'm looking at this girl, and seeing all this pain.. and I'm so broken for her.. and it kills me.. because I don't have anything to offer her.. nothing that will help her.. all I've got is God.. and I always choke when I'm trying to tell her... so I bought her lunch instead and told her that if she needed to she could come live with me.. I don't know what to do...
If any of you could.. can you remember her in your prayers? It would be great...

peace, love, and something else...
Eliza.

Cinders and Smoke

2006-02-24T17:29:00.000-06:00

Best song ever = Cinders and Smoke -by- Iron and Wine
At any rate.. my life is pretty boring, for the past week I've been sick like every day pretty much.. Tuesday I actually went to school, and for coffee with Scott.. been doing that for the last three tuesdays.. it's been good. Dance looks like it's going nowhere fast.. and so since I've been sick I've either been at home watching movies.. or at Shannons watching movies... it's been fun.. so yea.. that's been my life. Extatic.. I know.. but somehow.. I think I'll survive the hectic-ness.

Peace!
Eliza-Jane

OooooooOOooo

2006-02-19T17:23:00.000-06:00

So.. I re-did my blog with my own fancy html.. and sweet background pic.. (that i took myself) So.. yea.. just thought I'd let you all know how hot it is... because.. It's real hot.

yup.

plus. isn't she hot?

Stuff and Nonsense

2006-02-19T03:19:00.000-06:00

So.. my life is pretty boring.. and nothing too exciting has happened.. except on wed. night.. well more like thursday morning... at 1AM I just got off work the hour before.. and I'm sitting there.. and then.. the phone rings.. It's freaking Marrisa Moccasin and she's like "i'm at the bus depot come get me!" So she stayed at my house for a couple days.. she's now kicken it with the fitzels.. uhm nothing really new on the Jesus part of my life.. still just as lost as ever.. but I'm choosing to continue in my pursuit. Because I like who I am now.. with Jesus.. Guys.. God is so good.. I may not be able to 'feel Him' working in my life right now.. but.. the fact is He's good.. and that's pretty sweet in and of itself.. Man I get so giddy when I start thinking about how good God really is.. it's ridiculious.

Jaded.. yet so desperate..

2006-02-11T03:47:00.000-06:00

Guys, I feel so lost.. it always seems like I come to this point.. and I just don't know how to get past it.. and so.. I just give up.. and go back to relying on the world.. and it's starting to happen again.. and I don't know what to do.. I don't want to go back to the way things were.. but I'm just becoming so frustrated.. like I desire so bad.. just to.. just to live in God's presence.. and to just be like Jesus.. but.. I just feel like I can't get there.. and I'm stuck in this place and I don't know what to do.. I'm just so lost..

broken

2006-02-09T03:31:00.000-06:00

So.. tonight.. I'm not a happy kid.. not in the least.. and I am trying to figure out why.. and fuck... I'm just so lost.. fuck..FUCK FUCK FUCK. Last night was the first time I cried in forever.. and tonight.. I'm crying again.. and I don't know why.. I think it's because I'm so frustrated with everything thats happening.. and I like look at it all.. and I still have this feeling of abandonment.. and I find it so hard to trust people.. and I mess up on a daily effing basis.. and I'm not failing anyone.. except for me.. and I take it out on myself.. and it's stupid.. and I feel at a loss for purpose.. and I just don't know what to do with myself.. because I look at my life and find it meaningless.. like what the heck do I do.. that is actually worth anything to anyone? Every day is the exact same.. and it's killing me.. this apathy is killing me.. and I don't know what I can do to change this.. and I just keep failing.. and I just.. I'm so frustrated.. because I feel so deaf and so blind to God right now.. it's like I can't hear Him or feel His presense or see Him work in my life.. and all I want.. all I want is Him.. and it feels like He's just out of my reach.. all I want is my Daddy..

I hate crying.

Eliza

Struggles..

2006-02-08T03:30:00.000-06:00

It's going to be a year.. on.. may... 27... I think.. of me not cutting...

Today.. I was sitting at my brothers place.. helping Shannon with science.. and Lindsey was being a bitch to Shannon.. and she said something to Shannon that made me instantly think of things my mom used to say to me.. and then... automatically I just had the most intense desire to just find a knife and just let loose... It made me feel sick. I'm still pretty upset about it actually... It's still a temptation for me.. Plaise God for being bigger than this...

Eliza

Stop.

2006-02-05T04:02:00.000-06:00

Stop. That's what God has been telling me tonight. I just need to stop. Tongith.. I was like "God I just don't know what to do.. I feel so stuck..." and He's like 'Go find Shylah.' So.. I find Shylah.. and I'm like 'so.. you should pray for me..' and she says 'whats up?' and I says back to her.. "I just don't know what to do.. I'm so frustrated.. like.. I have all this stuff spoken over my life and I want it so bad but it's seems instead of a blessing, like a curse because it's like 'o Eliza you'll be so huge in God's army.. you're such a leader.. you'll get visions and dreams.. you'll go visit Heaven.. see angels.. and into the spiritual realm.. move in prophecy.. have healing hands..blah blah blah'.. and It just gets so frustrating because here I am and to me it feels like I haven't heard God in forever.. I haven't drawn since october.. I read my bible.. I pray.. I try so hard.. I just can't seem to find Him... like.. what the frick do I do?" and Shylahs response "God's telling you to stop. Just stop." Then I started to cry....

my S.I leaders asked me the day of my de-briefing where I want to be in the next thirty years.. what would I have liked to accomplish.. and my answer is still the same.. I just want to be like Jesus.. because really.. what else is there?

peace,
ElizaJane

It's a party down in catholic town

2006-02-03T03:38:00.000-06:00

So Today was my first day... I didn't enjoy second period too much.. other than that my day was okay.. I think my afternoon was the best. It's lookin up.. I'm kinda excited...We'll see how things go..
Dance is such an effing frustration.. (Delia.. if you read this.. my respect for you.. has now gone up x50.) two girls showed up semi on time today. another girl showed up half an hour late.. and decided to take my co-leader out shopping for half an hour. another girl showed up almost an hour and a half late.. and another showed up at quarter after 6.. dance started today at four. One girl couldn't make it due to homework.. and two others had to work.. oddly enough I told them that there was a practice like.. three weeks ago. One girl doesn't even know the dance.. and I ask her every effing day whether she needs help or wants to run over certain areas again but she's stubburn and says that she's got it under control. FRICK. I'm so frustrated. I looked up my name meaning today... Eliza means - consecrated to God.. Jane means - God is gracious... Zachary = remembered by God..
I'm in love with my name I think..
PEACE

Pizza slut!!! er.. I mean Hut...

2006-02-02T03:31:00.000-06:00

So.. Today I went in for orientation at Pizza Hut.. I'm very excited... compared to Family Pizza.. this job seems so easy. I'm very excited. My first day is on monday... Dance is coming together nicely.. and tomorrow is my first day at JPII.. I'm so nervous. I teach dance tomorrow after school and then my brother and I are going to go out and have a little shin dig.. I'm really excited for that.. I love my brother. So... I might be moving out of my parents house this summer.. if things work out.. which I highly doubt. I got my inhaler today.. the only thing that could possibly make me cooler now...is tap dancing. But I'm not skilled at tapping.. Life works so weird.. God is a funny guy.

peace!
love, Eliza.

Beauty..

2006-02-01T03:04:00.000-06:00

Oddly enough.. it's something I've been struggling with lately... it's like.. I see so much beauty in everyone.. I tell them so.. and they almost punch me in the face pretty much.. but.. I don't understand it.. like.. we're crafted after a God who is too beautiful to comprehend... so if God is beautiful.. and we're made in His image.. well.. we're beautiful then. It's just that simple. Why can't we comprehend this simple little fact? Why can't people just accept themselves as beautiful... why can't I? These are kind of rhetorical questions.. I know the answers.. I just... wish people could just.. be themselves.. and feel beautiful and accept that.. because... that is beauty.. we don't have to mold ourselves to be some little barbie doll that the media has created. We just are beautiful. Being who God made you to be.. is beautiful..
Why is this something I believe so strongly.. but can't accept it for myself? Why do I find myself looking in the mirror every morning only to look away feeling like crap because I don't think I'm pretty? It's ridiculious...

Eliza

Deliver me...

2006-01-30T01:17:00.000-06:00

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing

Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

I don't know what to do.. I feel so lost.. Things were heavy.. and I was blind.. and I failed.. and I'm not sure what to do now.. last year... whenever I 'effed up' I just took it out on myself.. either with a knife or with alcohol or with drugs or by letting myself be used.. and now.. I just don't know what to do.. Do I just.. pick myself back up and continue on like nothing happened? Do I just.. keep on walking? How do I forgive myself? How do I get others to forgive me? What do I do? I feel so lost..

Eliza

The smoking gun...

2006-01-27T14:48:00.000-06:00

So... on wednesday... I.. had a couple ciggarettes.. and a couple drags... at coffee last night.. my throat is sore.. and all I can think about are those little sticks of tobacco... like... ugh they were soo good.. I've wanted one for so long and then I just gave in because I was like "hey I'm at a concert.. why not?" Biggest mistake ever.. but... ugh.. it was so good.. plus everyone I know basically... smokes... but Shanni's a good friend and is not letting me.i have to go shower.
peace.

Dancing with Randy....

2006-01-23T00:46:00.000-06:00

Last night I stayed at my brothers place.. woke up.. and went to church.. man it was so good. It was about unlocking your potential.. so.. after church we had dance practice... we had to start while people were still being all chatty up in the sanctuary.. so I just told the girls to go find a place to worship, and I turned on the cd player.. so after about ten minutes most of the people cleared out.. except for this one guy who came up to the front and just layed on his face.. a little while later I look over to see him break dancing.. this guy is like.. 30.. and in not very good shape.. but he was busting out in windmills and hand stands and these sweet stalls. So dance practice is from 1 - 3.. but the co-leader and myself felt that Jesus wanted us to just keep on worshipping.. so.. from 1-2:30 we just worshiped.. it was so amazing.. so I'm sitting talking with one of the girls on the team about life and stuff and Sharayah walks up with this man and says "he wants to pray with us" and so I say 'sure'.. His name was Randy and he is from kelowna.. originally from here, down visiting his mom in the hospital.. and this guy is pretty much drunk in the spirit.. and he starts prophecying over Sharayah and I.. the stuff he told me was not only a continuation of the words spoken over me last week, but also so much more.. and most of what he said was direct from the scriptures which was really neat.. and he was saying things like me being a bright fire in the deepest darks and that when I worshipped it was like the sweetest incense to God.. another thing was that I was about to be walking in the gift of prophecy.. and evangelism like never before.. that there would be fire constantly pouring out of my mouth and my tongue would be sharper than a double-edged sword.. he said a lot of other things too.. and we got to pray for him and then he asked us if he could pray for the girls and so we said 'sure' and it was really neat.. so encouraging.. and then with ten minutes left we taught like five seconds of the dance. packed'er up and went home. such a good time.

baaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh finals!!!! please pray for me lol...
peace,
Eliza-Jane

Today wasn't happy.. thats for sure.

2006-01-21T06:20:00.000-06:00

Today wasn't a good'er.. I'm not exactly sure why.. I slept in.. got to class late.. ended up being further behind in my final project for the class... go to art.. to have things go horribly... go over to my bro's to hang with Shanni only to barely avoid an accident.. too late to go to math.. bio was a waste.. computer science... i got my program finished.. but it doesn't work completely right.. go over to my bro's only to find Shannon has her sisters kid and so we have to wait for her mom and sister to pick up James so we can leave.. only to find that Shannons dad didn't put money into her bank account for her so we went over to my grandma's to visit with my auntie and cousins.. only to be ridiculed the entire time.. went back to my brothers to find out that my brother bought a pack of smokes today (first pack in three months.) I was so angry I just couldn't even look at him, I just got up and went upstairs.. Shannon fought with Mitch.. and we went out to get gas and stuff.. and through it all I was just sad. yes, there was good moments today.. but I'm not in the optimistic mood today.

I find I'm lacking purpose,
and what am I supposed to do when a thousand words.. just isn't enough?

Eliza-Jane

No I don't think I believe in sleep...

2006-01-20T04:14:00.000-06:00

I've turned into an insomniac again.. it's not good and I keep missing school because of it.

why am I so easily struck down by apathy? it's ridiculious...

peace,
Eliza

Last Day..

2006-01-19T03:20:00.000-06:00

Today was my last day of work... This Friday is my last day of classes for this term... Next Friday is my last day at the comp..... Holy Frick... It's so much change.

I'm so nervous.
Yesterday I was walking around the halls of JPII and man.. It seems so different than being at the comp.. It's probably because I only know .8% of the kids at JP.. I've never really been nervous about going to school before... even when I was switching from elementary to the Comp.. O well I guess this is just God stretching me even further right?

But I guess with every 'last' there comes a 'first' right?

So I have this one friend.. She's actually pretty much my best friend. Her life has been so effed up. Her parents have either been constantly walking out the door for long periods of time.. or on drinking binges.. she's currently living with my brother and his girlfriend, her sister lives by herself with her kid, her mom is now a lesbian and her dad just works to support her and her sister and her sisters kid and drinks and smokes pot all the time.. and she was telling me that though she looks happy.. she really just hates herself and her life.. and I don't know what I can do for her. I want to see her have joy.. so bad. I want to see her family whole.. I love this girl so much. It breaks my heart to see her so sad. And it's ridiculious because I absolutely suck at giving advice/counselling.. lol.. but hey I guess who cares about what I have to say I should be giving her God's love right? It's weird.. I can share God's love with anyone.. except people I'm really close too.

I dunno.

peace,
Eliza-Jane.

Something old.. something new.. but me.. I'm feeling kinda blue.

2006-01-16T02:28:00.000-06:00

I stayed the weekend at my brothers place because my parents were gone away for the weekend to Regina.. It was fun. I learned how to play the digerydoo.. (sp?) lol and the bongos.. and the tongue drum.. and some guitar.. a bit of drums.. but I wasn't courageous enough to take on the saxophone.. lol this guy who lives at my bro's place (also dating my best bud Shanni) has every musical thing ever. lol he even plays the harmonica really good. Moving on with what I really want to post about though... lol..
Today I went to church not expecting anything. But God definantly had something for me lol... So I'm sitting there.. Trevor just read the announcements we prayed for these people who were leaving the congregation to go to new zealand... and then Carla (Pastor Trevors wife..) calls me up... and I'm thinking "BAAAHHHHHHAHSFIOSDH GLJDFG what the heck is going on?!" and she says "Eliza, usually I don't do this infront of the congregation but I feel like I need to this time.. so that the whole church can hold you accountable" and I'm thinking "o my goodness.. what is she about to say?" and she looks me in the eye and says "Eliza during worship God laid something on my heart for you and this is what it is, Eliza you may be being attacked by confusion, in emotions and in thought, but you know what, all you need to do is get into worship, into His presence, because when you do that, things turn right, and you know that. You may feel like you're not able to trust your emotions or your thoughts at times, but you can trust in Him. And has he got a calling on your life girl, you were made for leadership, and the more you go to Him to lay down your confusion, the more He will use you to lead this generation through the confusion this generation is suffering from. You're got leadership written all over you." Those aren't her exact words, but that's the jist of it at least.. and I'm standing there listening to this thinking 'o my goodness.. this is so right on.' like it was confirmation for a couple things and then like reassurance and some were words I really needed to hear. After church another four people came up to me and were telling me basically the same thing that "God was laying that on my heart for you aswell, and by gosh if someone didn't get up there and tell you it.. I was going too!" lol... and then... I started teaching the girls the dance for mogul mania. It's going to be awesome. I'm so excited.

peace,
Eliza-Jane

EXTRA EXTRA!!!

2006-01-11T03:27:00.000-06:00

So Mj This one I'm thinking has something to do with you... lol..
Today I decided to change schools... I've decided to ditch the Comp and go to John Paul II... it's a fresh-ish new-ish start.. new people and new scenarios... I already know a few people who go there.. but.. I was talking to my one friend and she was telling me about the school and all of this stuff.. and I think I'm gonna do it.. I'm also probably getting a new job at Maple Leaf being a janitor.. making $$8.90 an hour!! get paid every week... it should be sweet.. this way i'll be able to take like.. 80$$ and put it away every week to save up for S.I.. I really want to go on the Australia team.. So I came out with my little hobby and my Art 20 teacher wants to get me hooked up with the local gallery to display some stuff maybe... pretty crazy.. That's pretty much it.. erm.. yea. lol..

peace out,
Eliza-Jane

Link To Some pic's I took..

Msn Photo Albums

CRACK!!!

2006-01-10T03:43:00.000-06:00

So.. lately Satans been a jerk and is trying to give me chances and excuses to just you know have that one smoke.. or just have that one drink or just take a couple drugs.. ex #1 My friend Shannons birthday.. everybody was drinking and Shannon and Lindsey were doing shrooms.. and those are the drugs I love.. but I was like "EFF THAT!!!" and then today I lost my job.. I'm not too depressed about it.. I was going to quit soon anyways.. but I just started thinking about how good it would be to get real drunk and reaaallll high... and my friend left her smoke in my car complete with lighter... so tempting... but instead i just put on this worship cd i had in my car and let loose it was fun. I think I'm looking forward to fasting from this box.. it should be really good.. also really hard because I definantly don't know what I'm going to do with all of my spare time seeming as how I lost my job.. but.. it'll be okay.. I really hope I get some ideas for drawing soon... I really want to start that again..

peace,
Eliza

Party Time!!

2006-01-09T02:03:00.000-06:00

I think I'm going to go on a fast from the internet/computer.. the only thing I'm allowing would be use for school or for this blog and check email once a week.

wish me luck.

Eliza

Taking off my shoes..

2006-01-03T08:11:00.000-06:00

I’ll take off my shoes, I’m coming in,
Untie this rope, I’m staying with him,
Love of my life, I’ll live and die,
Just for the moments for my king and I.

Why did you call, why did you wait,
For someone so guilty, someone so fake.
There are no words for my beautiful song,
Now I’m in the arms of my beautiful one.

Hold me, blow all the pride from my bones,
With your fire.
Hold me, breathe on this heart made of stone,
Keep it pure.
Hold me, saviour of heaven and earth,
King forever.
Hold me, love of my life lead me on,
Through the fire, lead me on...

I’ll take off this crown and fall at your feet,
The secret of joy are the moments we meet.
How could a man with all of your fame,
Pull me from darkness and call me by name.

So hold me today, as I carry your cross,
Into the desert to find who is lost.
Look at my hands, they’re still full of faith,
God keep them clean till we finish the race.

Father.. I'm at a loss.... I don't know what to do.. God I desire to walk in Your ways.. but.. I so often walk away from this desire.. to follow ones that pull on my flesh.. why?! why do I do these things? Father.. this year is yours.. Father the only resolution I have.. is to be more like You.. what else is there?! It seems like I'm getting off to a bad start.. Dad.. circumcise my heart.. take me by the hand.. whisper in my ears.. and help me listen.. keep me in line God.. Father let this year be full of romance between us.. I want to know You.. I want to be so entwined with You... make Yourself known to my thoughts every second of ever hour of every day Lord.. keep me accountable to You.. let Your word be hidden in my heart..

Eliza-Jane

Voltage

2006-01-02T05:33:00.000-06:00

O my goodness.. this has been the weirdest three days of my life. So we'll start on the 29th.. So I'm planning on attending Voltage and things are working out for the most part... w.e. Then I find out.. I have no car and no ride to moose jaw.. me = freaking the heck out... then the 30th happened.. I wake up at 10 to the sound of Jane's voice over the telephone telling me that I have a ride from s'toon to Moose Jaw and that I just don't have a ride home.. So.. I was like 'heck yes i'll be there'... so I do some stuff.. and go over to Delia's to chill with Jane (Delia was out snowboarding) and then we were like "o... well how are you getting to s'toon?" and I was like 'hey.. i don't know!!!" So we wait for Delia to get back and she was getting a ride with her uncle who now couldn't drive because of injuring himself.. Then Jane left to S'toon in this one ride that had no room for us and I was there with Delia and I'm like "how about I phone my bro and we'll just give him gas money and we'll go to s'toon that way".. So I'm on the phone with Tyler and he agreed too and I go into Delia's room to find her stressing out because she's worried about inconvienceing me and that I was just doing this for her because she wanted to see Renee' and stuff.. and I was like "no no no don't be ridiculious I've got things to do in s'toon blah blah blah" but the truth is I was just doing this for her because she was extrememly stressed out about getting to s'toon.. bahahah we just won't tell her. The only real down of it was me not being able to see my family on my birthday.. but i'm okay with that.. and I didn't get any presents.. but it's okay because I got to bless my friend instead.. so on the 30th.. i read poetry discovered the awesome-ness of the word 'piss' and watched most of season two of Corner Gas.. went to bed at like.. 6..am... woke up at 9:30.. got pounced on.. got my lip smashed open.. and left for moosejaw at 2pm. So it's my birthday.. the 31st.. I play three hours worth of cards.. I go to Voltage I see lots of people It's pretty much the best birthday ever and did all this stuff and stuff.. and I saw Ashley N for like.. three seconds before she disappeared. (Side note for Ashley : You suck.. just leaves without saying good bye when you clearly promised you would.. man next time i see you.. you're in for it... but i love you) Basically I saw all these people that I love so much.. so therefore it was the best birthday ever. Mary Joy Nelson.. you are amazing. where would I be with out you? probably still in moose jaw. the only worst parts were when i had to say goodbye to everyone.. So.. it's the first. Conrad Sparks comes and retrieves me from MJ's Grandma's house.. (yes MJ you were right, he is extremely good looking.. and so was the boy in the back seat lol) So we have a good ol' time riding to s'toon.. and I get to s'toon at 1:30 problem the next bus to Nb is... at 5:30... I start work.. at 4:00 pm So my dad called and told them I was stranded. So.. I get dropped off at the mall in S'toon.. turns out only the Bay is open.. so I wander around there.. walk to the depot and ditch my stuff in a locker and make a few phone calls... absolutely no one is home. So I hang up.. (side note: as I'm walking back I was praying and I was like "Jesus you should hook me up with someone in the depot") And I turn around to see this man and he's like "Hi, I'm Chad.. what bus are you on?" and I was like "the 5:30 bus to NB" and he was like "Neat, so am I... well.. it's only 2:30ish.. and you seem just as bored as me.. wanna go play a round of pool?" and I said "Sure, why the heck not?!" So we walk down the street.. to this bar/pool hall. Turns out this guy is like.. 23..24? and thinks I'm 20.. So we get to this bar.. and I'm thinking "holy crap I'm going to get kicked out" but I never and we sit down at this stupid little electric game and this guy is so perverted. He picks all the games that have to do with sex and stuff (at the begining of the screen you can pick between like sports cards and others along with one called 'erotic') so he picks this one.. and I'm like 'w.e. he's paying for it' turns out I'm really good a sex trivia. Whether I should be proud of this.. I'm not sure. So after this we go and play a round of pool and he's trying to like molest me and i'm like 'back off buddy, the next guy i kiss is the guy i marry' and he backs off and then it's like 4:30 and we walk back to the depot.. we get there and he finds his buddies that he lost the night before and ditches me for them and i'm thinking to myself "Praise Jesus" So.. I'm sitting there being a loner.. finally the bus is ready to be boarded and I get on and I sit near the back thinking 'yes.. it'll be quiet.. dark.. i can finally sleep".. was I ever wrong. So two rows behind me.. sits these triple A hockey jocks and then this guy walks on and he's all g-unit big tough lookin guy and his one eye is purple swollen shut and has stitches. (aka mr. Shiner) and Mr Shiner sits in the very back of the bus (which happens to be right behind the hockey jocks) then Mr.Chad walks on and sits next to Mr. Shiner.. and w.e. they converse and they start talking with the hockey jocks.. and then we're out on the highway... when outta nowhere there's like this annoying light.. and I hear this soft moaning.. and look through the crack of my seat to see Mr. Shiner with his DVD playing watching porn with these guys and they start commentating and rating these girls.... So I can't sleep because all I hear is moaning and these stupid pervert face guys. w.e. So I'm semi-asleep when they start talking about their careers.. Mr. Chad works for some big factory.. the hockey jocks.. play hockey.. and Mr Shiner.. is a lacky!!! He's the man the drug lord calls on to beat the living piss out of people who don't pay up for their crack.. and it turns out.. Mr. Chad and Mr. Shiner are CRACK HEADS!!!! yaaaaaaaaayyyyy!!!! So.. I get home.. off the buss... get picked up.. and taken to work.. where I find out that my boss was going to pay for my ticket home and not only that but he was very nice to me and just made me finish off the shift I was supposed to work and stuff.. Praise Jesus. Now It's 1:33 Am and I still have not slept... So I think I'm going to go and read my Bible and try... so yea.. thats my life.. today I've learned not to go to the bar with random 23 yr old men who smell of old booze.

Eliza-Jane

Searching for.. truth.. or lies?

2005-12-29T05:38:00.000-06:00

I'm not satisfied with what I know, and what I believe... my mind just doesn't stop... I have to find more.. my life is so boring and all these facts are so dead... there must be more... tonight I was driving home.. and I had those same thoughts and feelings about death.. and I just thought.. well.. if there is nothing after life.. it just doesn't matter.. nobody will care.. and I won't be around to complain about it. Then it was like this weird.. calm came over me but now that I think about it... there must be more.. otherwise.. life definantly has no purpose.. whats the point of continuing? So I've decided to go on.. in pursuit of Heaven... I remember being prophesied over... they said I was going to visit Heaven and see angels.. twice that's been said to me actually.. that my decernment would increase and I'd be seeing deep into the spiritual realm.. I've always thought I had to like prove myself in order for that to happen and all this other stuff.. but I really just think it's on Gods timing and I really should stop worrying about it.. like who wants to see demons anyways? My darn discernment already has me scared of the dark... I guess I need to get that straightend out.. I shouldn't be fearful..... guys.. it's been so long since I've heard from my Dad.. it's been so long since I've drawn.. or danced.. heck I haven't read my bible for awhile.. like a couple weeks... It's all seeming to fall apart.. I pray that Jesus starts putting it back together..

Eliza..

I just don't know anymore..

2005-12-28T06:53:00.000-06:00

things aren't okay. I don't know what to think.. I'm restless and broken and growing more apathetic every single day.. I want so desperately to be free of this mundane routine and this hollow life and I so desperately want to wake up and live.. but I'm just not.. and I don't understand why...

Sleep is so foreign....

2005-12-24T06:41:00.000-06:00

I haven't slept for more than two hours for the last three days.. I think I'm becomming an insomniac.. I dunno.

Eliza

Apathy

2005-12-23T04:12:00.000-06:00

Today was the most apathetic day of my life, I'm sure someone could have told me that like... my mom just died and I probably would've said "oh... that sucks" and yea... it's not cool. so far today I ditched a lot of school...got a note from my one friend about this boy and it's hard to find words to say.. like I've gone through such similiar circumstances.. and i just dont even know... left school hung out with my friend Tarina... then i went with a friend and made fun of people at the mall.. went to work early.. only to have my one friend show up crying because of all this stuff and being forgotten by her sister and so I took her home went back to work and got all bitter and angry.. left work to go to BP's to hang out with Delia and Tarina and Sarah and Jared.. picked up my friend Jessica.. went out looking for a party instead found my one friend in her car breaking up with her boyfriend because of stupid rumours started by this one chick who I'm supposedly going to be in a fight with? and then I came home to write this.. an hour after I was supposed to be home. o.O the excitement of my life.

Eliza

Late nights..

2005-12-22T04:11:00.000-06:00

Lately... I've been up till like 2 in the morning.. and I don't know why.. All I know is that I'm so tired, but I can't sleep.. it feels like I should be doing something but I don't know what..

I think I'm gettin attacked.. I'm not sure though.. There are these nights.. when I'm lying in bed.. and I'll start thinking about death.. and like.. I start doubting Heaven and then it's like.. the worst feelings i've ever felt come and it's like this sick nothing-ness that all that happens is we live and we die, we end. and it's like this feeling in my stomach and it's like i get sick.. and i feel like puking and i ache and theres this sick dread and fear and i like have a panic attack and freak out in my mind and all i see is black... and it's so wretched.. i can't even explain.. and i'm left cold and in doubt.. and i force myself to stop thinking cry out to my Father and fall asleep.. it's scary..

I haven't done a drawing since october... i miss drawing..

And I've got every reason to be here again... a Fathers love.. it draws me in.. and all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You... all I need is You..

Eliza Jane Zachary Halter

what to do..

2005-12-21T04:22:00.000-06:00

I'm so restless... this is becomming ridiculious..

Some will seek forgiveness..

2005-12-20T22:51:00.000-06:00

I heard a voice through the discord
Of A deluge of passersby
I saw one gaze frozen in time
Watching me passing by

I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud
When your whispering

Hey unfaithful I will teach you to be stronger.
Hey ungraceful I will teach you to forgive one another.

Here's my kiss to betray
Desperate to brush the lips of grace
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied?

Oh sweet angel of mercy,
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me...

Hey unfaithful I will teach you to be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you to forgive one another
Hey unloving I will love you.

Jesus I'm ready to come home..

Father I feel like I've been glancing away... not keeping my eyes on you and slowly wandering off course.. Father so many days I've been finding doubt within my heart... Father.. teach me... Father.. hold me up... Father help me make my choice everyday, everynight, every hour, minute, second.. every breath.. help me make my choice to be in You.. Daddy... I'm so desperate for you.. it seems like I can't find you.. Father teach me to hear you, see you.. Daddy I'm ready to go further, Father I love you.. I mess up, I fail.. my love isn't perfect.. but when it all falls down.. I love you, and nothing else. I want you.

Eliza Jane Zachary Halter

And it just keeps on going...

2005-12-17T06:04:00.000-06:00

Last night a murder ocured. The girl that was shot/killed was best friends with my brothers girlfriend and all of her friends/my friends.. so tonight after work I went over to my bro's g/f's (Lindsey is her name) mom's house and sat around watching them all drink and cry and laugh and cry and cry and yell.. It was just so sad.. Apperantly the boyfriend shot the girl because she was trying to leave him.. but the police have no proof of motive because the only people the girl talked to was the boyfriend because he wouldn't allow her to talk to anyone else and the only people at their place when it happend was the boyfriend, his mom, and the girl. Tomorrow they are all going in to give statements about what this guy was like... and so i just got home from driving drunks around to home and then taking one to see a friend and then home... she was/is friends with this one girl named Melissa who is an ex coke head/prostitute and she now goes to bible school and apperantly i was her inspiration to get off coke and stuff.. it was neat.. i'm so tired.

today was stupid. But Jesus is good.

Eliza

transatlanticism

2005-12-13T04:22:00.000-06:00

Ever feel stale? Every get those looming feelings that everything is worthless? I know I sure do.. those times of doubt.. those times of fear... those nights when your lying in your bed at 2am and you're in a panic... just because you can't find Him? Those nights are becoming more of a reality to me... But it feels like this distance is farther than ever before. Odd thing is.. there is no distance... the One I'm looking for is right here. He's never left.. But I am certainly forgetting what it is to walk in that.

Eliza Jane

.....

2005-12-07T04:09:00.000-06:00

Ever talk with people.. and it's like about life.. and everything that they are struggling with is something you've just walked through? My one friend, she moved away and all this stuff happened.. she got raped.. and then this guy shows up and plays church and stuff and it only ends up in him using her and having sex and him moving away and then all of this other stuff. And it's so weird, right after this conversation we go out with youth for coffee at mcd's and the satanists dad walks in... awkward. I don't know.. now that I think about it.. this issue hasn't been dealt with. I still wake up in the night cold with dreams in my head about those nights. I find myself looking at people I know who are virgins and finding jealousy coursing through my veins. Sure, I know all the truths. "O Eliza you are made new every day, O Eliza you're perfect in Gods eyes, O Eliza you've been made new, so you're a virgin still." Whatever. Can you imagine sitting down with the guy you're going to marry and be like "yeah.. when I was little I was abused and when I was 16 I thought I was worthless and that since I was abused that it was nothing anymore, so I had sex with this guy who just ended up using me and then I was drunk one night and slept with my youth pastors brother in law..sorry."
hoorah. Won't that just be a peachy keen conversation?! I still have those creeping thoughts that try telling me that I'm a slut, a skanky whore, that I'm broken and useless, that I've been robbed and now I'm worthless. Almost everyday I find myself regretting what I've done. Every time I see Michael in the halls at my school it's like somethings missing and he has this little piece of me... thats he's kicking it around, and flaunting it right in front of me. Because everybody knows that Eliza's "easy" and everybody knows that she's broken and everybody knows that if you get her drunk enough she'll sleep with you for sure. She's not a christian, she's had sex, look at her.. pfft we all know what she's done.
But His mercies are new everymorning and He's constantly looking at me with admiration and love and He thinks I'm beautiful and pure and good. So why should everything else matter?!

I don't know why.. but it does.. and it kills. fuck.

...eliza.

Insomniacs are the coolest kids in cool town.

2005-12-05T03:40:00.000-06:00

These bad days just won't stop, and to top it off, this past weekend I only got.... oooo lets say... 6ish hours of sleep? yea. like four friday night and 2 saturday night, yaaaaayyy.. work sucks so horribly bad. on thursday my hand got stuck in the cheese grater and part of my index finger/nail is gone. it's pretty rowdy. and then on friday i got crap from all of my teachers because i was incapable to write. and then at work i got laughed at and then on saturday i got up at 8 and drove to s'toon in my bro's g/f's car (standard 95 neon woot woo) saw Kirstie (honestly the only good part of my weekend.) came home, went to work at five, left work at 1am. the roads were deadly slippery and so i went to my brothers only to get to bed at like 6ish... 7ish.. to wake up at 10 and go to church where i did get to see some awesome fgbc'ers, so that was alright. then i go to work and i get crap from my boss for being slow and he's like "blah why did i have to come in and finish your shift for you last night?!" and i was like "what?! I did everything I was supposed to do, I got everything ready for Tom to make more dough and Sandy even showed up to help him. Then Tom told me to go home." and my boss was like "o.." and then he gave me crap for being a 'slow worker' sooorrry, i just you know, like doing my job right. frick. and then i got to grate cheese and this one girl i don't like says to me "don't grate your hand this time heehee" and frick i was so angry. tomorrow my parents are dragging me to Sylvan learning center for math help, I definantly feel stupid. A) repeating Math 10. B)getting dragged to get help from Sylvan C)I have like a 50 in my math class. so.. everyday.. I've just been getting so frustrated and tired and stressed out.. and everday it ends the same.. me just getting this retarded Joy out of nowhere and laughing at myself and honestly God's just ridiculiously good. even with everything being stupid around me Jesus is still good. plus today Marrisa Moccasin moved back to town.

blah.
Eliza

Another one of those horrible no good very bad days.

2005-11-30T03:21:00.000-06:00

K well it wasn't completely horrid, it was better than yesterday but it stilllll sucked. Drama ruined my day. But other than that I went to Bible study which was alright, and on my way home this guy was hitch hiking, little did I know this guy was a native cross dressing man named Chris, hahaha he was so funny he was telling me how he was dancing on the side of the road and how hot it was it was so funny. I gave him a ride from the bridge to the four way by the petro on the way outta town, hilllaaaarious. God's a funny guy. I drove past Chris and turned on my way to go home but then God was like "gooo give him a ride, I've got your back" So I go back and pull up as close as I could and I call out askin if he needed a ride and so He gets in and all the while I'm thinking "o my goodness i hope this guy doesn't kill me and jack my car" lol but it just turned out to be a real funny time. Then I go to put gas in my car and I go to pay and my card is all "insuff. funds" and i was like "baahhh" and i had like enough to pay 25$ outta the thirty.. and so i had to run home (praise the Lord i only live like half a block away.) and grab money, so embarrassing. lol o well. In the end, today was good. Thank you Jesus for Chris, and for providing awkward funny moments at the gas station. You're too good to me.

love you alllll,
Eliza-Jane

Worst day ever.

2005-11-29T03:54:00.000-06:00

So today was the worst day of my life. First off, I had to wake up and go to school And I haven't stopped working yet, Tomorrow is my first day off, but I have to do play stuff, homework, bible study, clean my room, all this stupid stuff. So I get to school, grab all the stuff out of my car that I need stand there looking in my car wondering "is their anything else I need? No I don't think so" proceed to shut the door when I look in the window to see the keys sitting on the seat. Go team idiot (members = Eliza)!!!! So I just ignore it. Go to my first class only to find out my one assignment is due and I'm definantly not done it. whatever. Next class I have three guys outside with me by my car trying to use a coat hanger to slimjim my car door. None of them could get it. Third period is my spare, I'm standing outside trying to open this effing door it's snowing and windy and so cold. probably like minus a bazillion (well.. -15..maybe -10) and This door is so ridiculious and so my one friend Shanni walks by and I convince her to drive to my brothers to get his roommate who knows how to get into cars. so we come back. seven guys and an hour and a half later, they finally get the door open. So, it's pretty much the beginning of fourth period but I'm hungry so I skip and go to subway. get food go back to school only to encounter stupid faces that I wanted to kick in the face. I ate my food and went to the new Timmy Hoes and picked up some tea, went back to school to do nothing and just get more angry. yaaay. I go to work and have all this crap put on me. This guy I work with who is supposed to be the back closer for that night pins everything on me, making me the back closer, and he calls me a bitch. yaaaayyyy. I go over to my bro's to find no one home. Go over to my friend Shylahs and take her out for coffee and discuss dance with her. It's been decided we're doing a dance to Deliver Me (antidromic remix) - by David Crowder Band (from the sunsets and sushi album) for our Mogul mania retreat. That was really the only good part of my day. I don't know why though, but all day, I've just been happy. I dunno, guys, Jesus is so good. It's ridiculious. Honestly, this was such an aggrivating sucky crap filled "horribly terrible no good very bad day" but Jesus couldn't have been more sweet to me. hahaha sometimes I'll just be doing whatever and He'll just whisper my name and be like "Eliza, I love you, just thought I'd remind you." hahaha He's so sweet. Jesus is just good. Praise the Lord for His goodness. I'd be lost without Him. bahahaha I'm real excited now, I'm just gonna have to end this and ditch out to spend some time with Him. lol.
love, Ninja E (Eliza-Jane Zachary Halter... word.)

Shining Ardent Eyes...

2005-11-26T03:13:00.000-06:00

A lady came up to me at church one day and told me I had shining ardent eyes..
Ardent = Expressing or characterized by warmth of feeling; passionate: an ardent lover.
Displaying or characterized by strong enthusiasm or devotion; fervent: “an impassioned age, so ardent and serious in its pursuit of art” (Walter Pater).

Burning; fiery.
Glowing; shining

Enthusiasm, passionate, devotion, fervent, burning, fiery, glowing, shining.... is that what people see in me? When they look into my eyes? I remember a time when I used to look into my eyes and wonder that. The only thing I saw was hurt sadness and hate.. but now I'm being told I have ardent eyes..
i'm not too sure..

Eliza

ps, just a question.. but why is being gay wrong and where is it in the bible?

Powerless...

2005-11-23T05:34:00.000-06:00

I used to have these nights... where I'd realize how bad everything was.. and my heart would be so burdened to do something about it.. but I'd then realize how powerless I was.. and it would frustrate me to the point of anger and hate.. I'd try to numb it by drinking or getting high or sometimes even cutting myself. It's been four months since I had my last ciggarette, four months and two weeks since I last did drugs, four months and three weeks since I last drank, six months and two weeks since I last cut. Tonight is one of those nights. I'm so frustrated. I have this intense need to lash out. What will I do with it tonight? I don't want to just go to bed and ignore it like every other time. That's just as bad as anything else I've done. I'm so frequently brought back to this place of not knowing what to do or say.. to this place of being left broken and crying out... to this place of desperation.. and it all ends the same..just like every other time.. lying in bed cold powerless..helpless and crying out to my Father and then crying myself to sleep in His arms.. I wish I could come up with some brilliant solution.. or the right words to make everything better.. something that would bind up these peoples hearts that are so broken.. the ones that God places on my heart like heavey weights.. but I can't. I wouldn't even know where to start. I feel so powerless when I'm just left to lie there on the floor crying out to my Father. Those moments when I'm with those people who my heart is breaking and crying out for to see them in such pain and hopelessness.. I'm just left with nothing to say.. and I hate it.

I keep on having people telling me that a call on my life is that Isaiah 61 verses 1-3.. The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

I'm not sure if I believe that it's for me or not..

eliza.

recreancy

2005-11-17T03:59:00.000-06:00

recreancy - 1)Unfaithful or disloyal to a belief, duty, or cause.
2)Craven or cowardly.

I guess I'm falling under the number two definition. Partly number one. I have this fear about me. The fear of death. God's been convicting me on it for some time now.. but I just can't seem to shake it. I have this emense dread and feeling of nothing-ness/emptyness when I think about dying. I know people who can't wait until the day they die so they can have a shin-dig with Jesus.. but I fear it. I doubt Heaven. I've had real experiences with God, and I see Him active in my life (mostly) but I still doubt His promise of Heaven. Like I love Jesus.. but... I don't know.. *sigh*..

Ninja E..

Lessons.

2005-11-14T04:26:00.000-06:00

Blah, Regina Retreat is so boring. Ridiculiously boring actually. But it's saving grace is that Jesus showed up at the services lol. Honestly I found myself the second day asking "why in the heck did I come?".. I found two answers,
1) Jesus.
Lets face it, anytime with Jesus is amazing, and lately I've really been learning about basing my faith on truth and not having an emotive faith. I honestly haven't felt those "warm fuzzy" Jesus feelings in a long time. Last time was lying on the floor at boot camp and it was just like I was lying on my Daddys chest being held in His arms, just chillin together. It was such a good night. Sure, He's been revealing stuff to me, but it isn't attached with emotions. All weekend Sherri kept on saying "'I know, therefore I feel.' not 'I feel, therefore I know.'" It's a hard lesson, but I know that God is with me, and that is enough for me.
2) Friends/Christian Fellowship.
So, I have no friends. Well I do... but just no close friends. Noone I can sit with and talk about life with. This weekend, I had the privilege to be billeted with my good friend Kassy Harbottle and the Lifeforce girls (Delia, Angel, Mellisa, Jessica, and Karissa) we had an amazing host, and it was a good time. Also the oppurtunity to just hang out with friends and chat was good, I even got better acquianted with my youth group. I'm learning how to be friends with guys. It's hard for me because the only relationships I've had with guys have been filled with hurt. But just as God has/is fix/ing/ed those relationships He's helping me build new ones with guys. God even restored my one friendship with Katie Kasal-Flagal. It's a hard thing for me to accept and forgive her because she broke my trust and got me in trouble and a whole lot of other things. But I'm learning to forgive her. One night God was talking to me about her and the things involved and how I really needed to forgive her and tell her that I was sorry myself for certain things, and she ends up coming to me crying asking for my forgiveness. God is good.

So, God's weird. I've been learning a third thing that combines my reasons of going to the retreat and works in the things of my life that has been happening over the last little while.. He's building my dependance on Him. Searching my heart, making sure. Over the period of a year and a half, He's been stripping away anyone I've depended on or cared about more than Him or anyone I've wanted to please and anyone I've ever craved attention from. It sucks. It's hard. I hate it to be honest. But, I know I need it. So, I'm learning to depend on Him alone. And, I'm okay with it. Like I said, I'm learning that just having Him with me, is enough. I believe that maybe, after I've learned enough about depending entirely on Him, that He'll place someone in my life.. whether in the form of a friend, acountability partner, or.. heck maybe even future husband.. I believe it will be after I learn this that He'll place them in my life because He doesn't want me to run the risk of placing that person before Him. I've had relationships like that in the past.. and heck even now when they're around I struggle with it. But I know that losing everybody is completely worth this lesson. Psalm 146:3 "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." In truth I'd rather stand alone with Christ, then be surrounded by friends who cannot save me.
Here's a Little Picture I drew.

Ninja E

...greed

2005-11-08T02:36:00.000-06:00

So tonight I was watching the show 'Medium' with my family.. I almost started puking. At the beginning she was having this dream, and it's this man giving this "motivational" seminar on how to make money or something and he's asking people how far they would go for money. He goes up to this one lady, she looks to be about... 40, married, (her husband was sitting beside her) overweight. And he asks her "how much money do you make a year?" and she responds that she's not willing to answer, he says he'll give her 200 bucks right then if she told him/the audience. So she answers. Next he asks her "are you wearing clean underware?" She's slightly taken aback. He sees this and offers her 100$ to answer him. So she takes his money and says "Yes, I am wearing clean underware.".. what happens next.. I'm still shaken over it.. like I'm in tears. He then proceeds to ask her if she'd take off her clothes right then and there for double her anual salary (I believe she said 35 grand or something) She says "no, I can't." And he puts on pressure to her to do it, raising the stakes to 2 million dollars. Her husband is sitting beside her encouraging her to do it. This man looks at her and says to her in disgust "You can? or you won't? How far will you go for money?" and she says "I won't." Next, the man looks at her husband and says "Will you do it?" the husband says "Take off my clothes for two mill? sure." He starts taking off his shirt when the man says "No, I'm asking if you'll take off your wifes clothes." And the husband looks at his wife, she's crying and says "we're going" and gets up to go when her husband grabs her and starts ripping off her clothes. She trys fighting him off when he yells "Thousand bucks to anyone who'll help me!!!" And the last shot is this lady screaming on the ground while all these people just dog pile ontop of her ripping off her clothes. At first, I got really angry. My dog actually got scared of me and my mom was trying to calm me down. And now I just can't stop crying. Like I feel sick to my stomach, like spiritually sick. I hate it, I'm just thinking about how all these people just strive for money. How people are willing to prostitute themselves for something so stupid. And the more I think about it, the more I'm realizing that some people would actually go as far as betraying the love loyalty trust friendship they have just for money. That someone would actually rip off their crying ashamed wifes clothes infront of hundreds just for money. Two million is a lot of money, but thats nothing compared to happyness. I know.. it was only a show.. but right now.. there are little girls selling themselves.. right now there's probably someone watching that exact same show and wondering what was wrong with that lady that she couldn't just demean herself in that manner for two million, there's people agreeing with the husband. There's parents out working four jobs, just so they can have more money than they need, sacrificing their children for work, for money. And that, is wrong. That, is why I'm crying.

I really wish the ringing would just stop.

2005-11-07T05:13:00.000-06:00

I just went to the most amazing concert ever. I'm so injured. My ear is split a bit and my cheek has a big bruise and my back is probably full of bruises. It all adds up to the best time of my life almost. I'm going to Regina this coming weekend. My friend Shanni is coming with me. It will be soo good.
I messed up and had a smoke.

Ninja E

Kidnapped

2005-11-04T05:18:00.000-06:00

Today. Was a pretty decent day. I found out I'm passing like all of my classes I got paid, I didn't work. I even got to go to Tim's during first. Also I got the car today. Jesus was good to me on this day. So, I was coming from the bank, driving to my bro's house to stop in for a lil' visit... when I get kidnapped!

Well.. not really, but, almost.. My bro's girlfriend (Lindsey) was on her way to Tisdale with Shannon (roommate/good friend of mine) But they needed to get someone who could drive standard, because they needed to pick up Lindseys new car. So I was "Volun-chosen" Tisdale = four hour drive. So the drive up was pretty boring/interesting (as most road trips are I'm finding out..) BUT the drive back = phanomenal. From Tisdale to S'toon Shanni drove with me in Lindseys neon... and well to be honest.. I'm really interested in going on the Australia team for street invaders this coming summer.. and there's a chance for me to go to Mexico with my church in Febuary... And so I was talking to her about that.. and I told her about street invaders and about my views on God and stuff and how my life has since changed from what it was and how even though life is harder, I find it so much more fullfilling than what it used to be when I smoked/drank/used. I got to share with her why I'm finding joy even though things seem to suck, I outright told her that "even though things are crap, I'm okay, because Jesus, is still good to me." and so now she wants to come to street invaders.. and now she's going to come with me to Regina Retreat next weekend. I'm really excited. Honestly this past couple months God been just teaching me about His goodness. Seriously. God is good. So I will hold unswervingly to this hope that I profess.
Two Energy drinks + four hour drive - two hours by yourself = BAAAD. lol
lol.

Ninja E

Nov. 1st.

2005-11-01T23:22:00.000-06:00

It's November first, and you know what that means.... I WON TWENTY EFFING DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!! I quit smoking. It's been THREE MONTHS. Jesus is sooooo good.

On the other side of news.. Megan and Kim don't talk to me. I've been realising that they weren't the best of friends anyways.. They never phoned (actually Megan calls my house... for Kim.) Never invited me to hang out. We've had arguments about this before.. they say it's because I got close with Delia.. maybe I wouldn't have gotten so close if they would've called or talked to me... like.. I tried hanging out with them and phoning them then aswell.. I got shut down. Plus.. Delia left.. two years ago. Two Ephing Years. I don't even know if it's worth it. I'm considering not even trying anymore. These highschool politics are killing me. Maybe I should just go slit my wrists somewhere. Honestly. I thought I had no friends before. Like, no close friends. No I'm left with nothing here. Except for Kayla. This is stupid. I have so many friends. Yet I have noone at all. I think I forget how to make friends even. Hell.
At least I have Jesus.
...frick..

Ninja E

Uncontrollable Malice.

2005-11-01T03:04:00.000-06:00

Yeea. Not a good day, at all. I guess for halloween I was the annoying back stabbing truth telling bitch. My bad. So, last night, I'm at work, get a phone call from Kayla. She's crying and asks me if Kim Megan and Ashton were talking about her the night before. Clearly I tell her the truth. Clearly it broke her heart. So, I finished work as fast as I could, made a pizza and some cheese sticks and told her to come over to my house. We definantly ate pizza and cheese sticks, then discussed the events previous. Turns out Kayla definantly wasn't ontop of Brandon and definantly had her pants on. Though they were in the same bed, but that clearly doesn't matter at all. She asks me more about what they all said and what happened and I told her and then we discussed more about how/why this is all happening... and so she leaves. I go on msn, I'm talking to Megan... and I ask her if she was sure that Kayla was ontop of Brandon without pants. She says that she was joking... so I tell her that I didn't believe she was joking because I had several differant people telling me that they heard this from her, and that I had a dramatic re-enactment by Kim. That I also found it hard to believe anything else that she said was a joke, because she agreed to everything everybody else said and even threw in some comments about Kayla. She told me again that she was joking. I'm the master of sarcasm. There wasn't a hint of it in her voice. So she starts getting mad at me telling to eph off and mind my own buisness (only in more abusive terms) So I stopped talking to her. Then she gets mad at Kayla for making me mad at her. Maybe Megan should just stop lying. So today at school. It's art class. Kim Megan Karli Analeesay. All at one table. I'm directly diagonal from them carving a pumpkin with my friend Dawn. While they sit there and talk about what happened. While they sit there and talk about Kayla. While they sit there and start talking about me. I continue on carving. I take the knife and put the blade on the edge of the table and I fling the handle so it makes a "twang" noise. Kim snaps on my face. Tells me to stop because I'm so annoying. I tell her that I was annoyed at millions of things she did, but I put up with it. So she can just shut her face. But she says back that I should just tell her to stop and call her a bitch next time this happens. As if I'm that stupid. So almost end of class. Annaleesay (back story: She's the annoying girl nobody really likes, but tolerates because she's willing to prostitute herself for friends. Megan hates her, yet Annaleesay does anything Megan wants.) is popping bubble wrap. I ask her to stop. She continues. I tell her to stop. She tells me to stop being an annoying little bitch. I tell her to stop being an annoying little whore. I reaaally wanted to tell her that she was annoying and that the real truth was everybody hated her and Megan just keeps her around for personal gain. But I didn't. All day. Megan and Kim. Don't say one word to me. One word. The exception being when Kim was snapping on me. These are the people who said I was their best friend. What a waste of my life. This day was horrible. It made me want to cut myself. Therefore it's ridiculious aswell. Highschool politics. If you tell the truth, prepare to catch the bullets. And this, is the bullet.

end of story.

..And that is why drinking is for losers.

2005-10-30T04:56:00.000-06:00

Last night I was the DD for my friend Megans party. I was sick, it was cold, and the fire was smoking a lot. I'm now sick-er. I sound like a man my throat is so raspy. So remember my little blurb about my friend Kayla and her boyfriend Ashton? Well, she broke up with him like two weeks ago. For his best friend (Brandon) and Megan, likes Ashton, and Kim (Kayla's best friend) likes Brandon aswell. Kayla knew this, and so Kim's mad at Kayla. And Megan is now dating Ashton I guess. So last night.. Megan was laying on the ground with Ashton making out, Kim was flirting with Brandon, while Kayla was passed out in the camper. I leave. I guess later Megan walks into the camper to see Kayla on top of Brandon in bed together with their pants on the floor. But they are famous for their over exagerations. So tonight, I was out egging random cars with Amanda, and I guess Kayla was trying to get ahold of me all night... and in the meantime, Kim Megan and Ashton are at a friends place drinking, so Amanda and I stop by, only to hear the most recent story of Kayla and Brandon, and then to hear them insult Kayla. That's when my heart hit the floor and shattered to a million pieces so I left. Because I'm sure they don't know anything about the matter. How it happened, why it happened, the factors involved. Because lets face it, they've never been in the position where they are severly drunk and alone with the guy they like. I have, things ended up severly bad, and I feel so bad for Kayla. I came home to a message on msn telling me that no matter what I was to retrieve her in the morning and take her to church with me.. which is real good.... but.. I'm so sad..o Jesus.. I don't know what to do.

-ninja e-

Y(to the)L(to the)C Part 2

2005-10-26T01:26:00.000-05:00

YLC, was reallll good. Jesus=amazing. It felt really good to get away from all of this poo thats happening and spend a weekend surrounded by people who love Jesus and to just learn more about Him. Seeing people from S.I. was so great. I learned sooo much. My favorite class was either Scott Fancis' or Steve Huhns. Scott's was about becoming a leader and what it takes, Steves was about authority and how it's time we proclaim the gospel again and that God's plan for us is huge. God revealed stuff to me and made me excited for the plans He has before me. I don't really tell to many people my future dreams, mostly because I wasn't too sure if they were correct.. but I believe that they are right. Like, I wish to go and do the two and two thing with LifeForce and FGBC and then do a bit more through FGBC and become a youth pastor and go to Spain for a bit to do missions work, and then I don't even know where, but get hired at a church as a youth pastor and work with youth and jazz like that. And now, I'm excited for these things. I never really used to be. But thats later, not now. I feel refreshed and I feel more knowledgable and equipped (I guess thats the right word) of how to better deal with things back at North B. While I was in Calgary I got my industrial re-done and I also met a lot of cool people, during supper on saturday I had no money and didn't want to go to B.Ps or w.e. so I bought a sandwhich from Mac's and sat around the park on 17th and chatted it up with this guy who was busking with a big huge bass, He was real cool, his name was Steve, He had a green mowhawk and his nose was stretched and so were his ears, he was all tattooed to. I chatted with a few other people, and then I ran into the in-famous Anny Rowe. We went out and had some tea, I told her my testimony and stuff and we chatted about life, it was awesome. (Hey Ash, you should give her the addy for this. plz) The services were real good. And I drew a lil' picture (posted below.) I had a real good time. And I loved seeing everybody. It was an awesome weekend.
Ninja E

Y to the L to the C

2005-10-21T02:27:00.000-05:00

Gone to YLC (young leaders conferance) in calgary for the weekend. shall be a shing dig. guys, Jesus is soooo good.

...Keys, Cars and Those Darn Nazis.frick

2005-10-19T04:04:00.000-05:00

Today constable Chillog called me to his office (he works in the school) and asked if I keyed the nazis car. It wasn't me.. but it was my keys. but I didn't tell him that. But I did tell him who did it. And the school might suspend me for calling her a nazi, even though she self professed it about herself. Apperantly she phoned my friend Amanda and told her that "If Eliza touches my fucking car again I'll press charges. Tell her she has nothing to do with this." And Amanda was like "Well she does now because of you." and the nazi says back "I didn't say anything to her." ER. wrong. Today when I was in Chillogs office I told him about the conversation. Even the part of them making fun of me for being abused. And he said that it wasn't in his hands, and I'd have to take it to the school board.. when they called me to the office to suspend me. They haven't called me yet... And I.. just can't wait to be gone this weekend. A break from all the drama. My one friend Kayla dumped her three month boyfriend, and likes his best friend, whom Kim likes, so Kim hates Kayla, and Megan sided with Kim, and I don't really care, but I started to when I sat beside Kayla in comp sci. while she started crying because of it. I told her a long time ago to break up with him. Apperantly he treated her not good. I'm gonna have to injure him. But now Megan likes him. It's all so gay. Even though I want so badly for a special guy in my life right now, I'm praising Jesus for not having me in that kind of relationship. Because I definantly couldn't handle any of that. But I'm going to go draw I think. later.

Ninja E

..Perservering is hard work...... Who knew?

2005-10-18T03:30:00.000-05:00

So, last night on msn my friend Amanda was talking to the nazi and the nazis cousin (aka stupid whore face.)And these people are so horrible, all they could say to me was that I was a stupid failure a loser and stupid anarchist punk and they kept on rating whatever I said out of 10.. and it was usually like a one or a two.. and all this stuff. And they kept on saying I was a nobody who would never get out of north battleford and end up like my brother, and work at Mcdonalds all my life. All of these things a year ago, is exactly what I thought about myself. That I was a stupid failure, that I would end up exactly like my brother. But I'm confident that I will be a success through Jesus. And they kept on saying that they were better than me (well the stupid cousin) because she had a car and lived on her own and made 15.50 an hour.. and I was like "well first, you're older than me, plus you're in calgary, and most people i know in alberta make about that wage, and besides, money isn't everything" and she was all stupid and was like "whatever leech, try moving out and saying that" and I asked her how old she was when she moved out of her parents house and she said "17" and I was like "Well I'm only 16." and that kinda shut her up. And so this one time at Youth I shared my testimony and my ex Michael was there and he told the nazi that my brother abused me. And so nazi and stupid whore face start making fun of me because I was abused. And the nazi was like "were you really abused? and did Jesus really save you?" and then the conversation ended. And I cried for a real long time. And against everything in my mind, I felt an urge to pray for these jerks. So I did. hardest thing of my life, even harder than washing this guy's feet (Zac) that I know. And then I just cried more.. read my bible and went to bed, but I've just felt like crap since. I've been so angry and so broken and sad. And I just want a real good hug. But everyone I talk to doesn't get it. And no one is up for this hug thing. damn. I dunno what to do..

..Nazis'..Eggs.. and drug dealers?

2005-10-16T21:26:00.000-05:00

So everyone remember that "wal-mart incident" well turns out my one "friend" Mellisa was the one who told Will Katzel that we would actually steal it, and therefore ratted us out. Plus I since found out she's a nazi. And let's face it, Nazis.. are stupid, and deserve to be.. shot, hung from a tree, and bled dry. I mean.. yea... no thats what I meant. So last night I was over at my brothers house, and my friend Amanda came over.. and I was talking to Tyler and he says he's going to start dealing E in town. And then I was like damn. So then Amanda informs me that this Mellisa chick doesn't like my brother or I because we are "anarchist punk kids who hate nazis" and I was like "well yea." and so when Amanda took me home we egged her car. End Of Story.

I've got to go to work now.

This has been;
Ninja E