Powerless...
I used to have these nights... where I'd realize how bad everything was.. and my heart would be so burdened to do something about it.. but I'd then realize how powerless I was.. and it would frustrate me to the point of anger and hate.. I'd try to numb it by drinking or getting high or sometimes even cutting myself. It's been four months since I had my last ciggarette, four months and two weeks since I last did drugs, four months and three weeks since I last drank, six months and two weeks since I last cut. Tonight is one of those nights. I'm so frustrated. I have this intense need to lash out. What will I do with it tonight? I don't want to just go to bed and ignore it like every other time. That's just as bad as anything else I've done. I'm so frequently brought back to this place of not knowing what to do or say.. to this place of being left broken and crying out... to this place of desperation.. and it all ends the same..just like every other time.. lying in bed cold powerless..helpless and crying out to my Father and then crying myself to sleep in His arms.. I wish I could come up with some brilliant solution.. or the right words to make everything better.. something that would bind up these peoples hearts that are so broken.. the ones that God places on my heart like heavey weights.. but I can't. I wouldn't even know where to start. I feel so powerless when I'm just left to lie there on the floor crying out to my Father. Those moments when I'm with those people who my heart is breaking and crying out for to see them in such pain and hopelessness.. I'm just left with nothing to say.. and I hate it.
I keep on having people telling me that a call on my life is that Isaiah 61 verses 1-3.. The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
I'm not sure if I believe that it's for me or not..
eliza.
I keep on having people telling me that a call on my life is that Isaiah 61 verses 1-3.. The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
I'm not sure if I believe that it's for me or not..
eliza.
posted by ninja_e at 11/23/2005 05:34:00 AM
2 Comments:
Dearest Liza,
You know, I think someone prayed Isaiah 61 over you during the commissioning service this summer. Hey, it could have even been me. You should listen to that tape again. The Holy Spirit says stuff over and over and over and over again to us. He repeats Himself like a broken record until the info gets into our Spirit man, where it cannot be destroyed, nulled, numbed, or lacking in power. Meditate on it until the Holy Ghost makes it a part of you.
It is for you. It IS you.
Liza, only dreamers like you and me look at the world and weep. We just know it's not what God wants for ppl. We just love so deep. And it's so easy to feel the pain of a deep Jesus love for the world. Not "the world," but the people in it. His daughter, his son, like a dad loves his kids, like we love our own brothers. It is not in our own strength, but by the Holy Spirit that we are able to feel the heart of God for ppl.
It is so frustrating to feel all that stuff, and sometimes it's just too much to handle b/c we focus on the pain, the injustice, the hurt.
I've been there, wanting to cut or throw myself against a wall or anything to cry out, to say something about the inexplicable deep something I felt. It just has to be big, powerful. I have to DO something big to say what it is - or maybe nothing could. But I have realized that physical evidence of the colors of thought and emotion I'm feeling help me. It's like I can produce something and say, "There, that's as close as I can get to saying what I'm thinking."
Sometimes, I write in my journal. That greatly satisfied me when I was in my first years of college. Then I took up painting, then dancing madly, then throwing myself on the floor and crying at the foot of God.
I think next I may try painting my walls (I'm thinking of taping up GIANT peices of paper so that I can just scribble red or some glorious dark colour all over them and not have to pay damage deposit...)
I pray in tongues ALL the time. Furiously at times. In my car especially b/c no one is there then. There are ppl EVERYWHERE here.
I cry a lot.
The heart of God is a moving heart. It's more than I think I can take, but it changes me. And my own frustrations - well, He always seems to encourage me to tell Him about it, even if I'm yelling. I think He really takes me seriously when I need to be taken seriously. He gets me, you know?
Anyway,
Strange how we might have something in common there. A deep thing. A big thing. And it's not a bad thing. Remember that too.
I love you. It's time to live with eyes wide open.
MJ
thanks MJ
love you, see ya in like what a month!?
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