dang

And what do you do when all you can do is lay awake at night scared that you'll never wake up again.



i guess it doesn't matter, i'll never know.

some new drawings. or something like that.

I hope you like... sorry the top one is so dark. i had to make it so you could see it or something... and uh yea. lots of editing went into this bottom one.. due to the fact you couldn't see the shading.. sooo.. be joyful. or something.

love.

just.my.size

When I put a spike into my vein
Then I tell you things aren't quite the same
When I'm rushing on my run
When I feel higher than the sun

With the venomous kiss you gave me,
I'm killing loneliness
With the warmth of your kiss, you saved me
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you
The killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb

Tearing off my life support
Wasting all my days
Words can fill your soul but all my pages turn away
And at my worst,
My stars will fall and burst

I'd go there if you let me,
they're never gonna find me now
My life is always empty
and in and out of doubt

How long will it take?
How long 'til this aching goes away?
How long should I stay?
How long should I keep myself awake?

And I'm not the kind who likes to tell you
Just what I want to
And I'm not the kind who needs to tell you
Just what you want me to

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see, no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I'm screaming underneath

And I know its not to get away from me,
I just need a change of scenery
So strange how everything went wrong so fast
And I hope that this confusion does not last

Sometimes when I'm alone
I wonder, is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Disobey my own decisions
I deserve all your suspicions
First it's yes and then it's no
I dilly dally down to you, oh
But I've got secrets that I battle in my sleep
I won't make promises to you that I can't keep

I'm living on shattered faith
The kind that likes to restrict your breath
Never been a better time than this
Suffocate on eternal bliss

I step right off the edge let the blood rush to my head
I'm going down to where the lucky ones have bled
I lift the veil up to reveal a fascination
And if you crave it then you know that you are injured

'Cause when the smack begins to flow
Then I really don't care anymore

Ah, when that heroin is in my blood
And the blood is in my head..
It's just like I am dead..




.....I can't really process much of my thoughts right now.. or at least.. well put them in order i suppose..

I seem so empty
My endless longing goes on
I'm living like I'm lost these days....

Everlong

"I wanna live like never before
I wanna fly and never come down.."

I've been thinking lately.. of the man.. who found the treasure in the field, and how he buried it back up, rushed away to sell all he had so he could buy the field and obtain the treasure that lay beneath it's soil..

I think I admire this man.. how he stumbles upon this treasure and he's so eager and full of desire to have it.. he rushes out.. and just surrenders all he has.. all for this one thing... and i know it doesn't really sound like much and it's kind of like "well who on earth wouldn't do that?" well.. me for instance. Or at least that what it seems like.. here i am "haphazardly" stumbling onto the kingdom and slavation and grace and love and joy this treasure from God.. and i'm not running off to surrender everything that hinders me from getting it.. it's constantly beckoning me and calling me to just get on with it, surrender and obtain.. but my flesh is just screaming 'no' and in my depths i know that this is what i truely want.. to surrender and grab hold of the Kingdom.. but i falter and i fail and i procrastinate.. i try to side-step the whole "surrender" part and try to just obtain it.. and i'm denied.. and i get discouraged because of that.. but it's all just because i'm foolish and selfish... I need to learn how to surrender.. to constantly walk in surrender looking always at the prize of the Kingdom.

Heck, maybe one day we'll all learn and we'll stop being content with just sneaking into the field, only to dig it up, only to look at it for awhile, to only grab hold for a short while... and then to have to put it back in and dream of it the next moment... maybe then we'll be able to do greater things than He who delivered us.


i dunno.
peace

.

my uncle just passed away...


my mom is having a really hard time and so is the rest of my family..


please pray