.....
Ever talk with people.. and it's like about life.. and everything that they are struggling with is something you've just walked through? My one friend, she moved away and all this stuff happened.. she got raped.. and then this guy shows up and plays church and stuff and it only ends up in him using her and having sex and him moving away and then all of this other stuff. And it's so weird, right after this conversation we go out with youth for coffee at mcd's and the satanists dad walks in... awkward. I don't know.. now that I think about it.. this issue hasn't been dealt with. I still wake up in the night cold with dreams in my head about those nights. I find myself looking at people I know who are virgins and finding jealousy coursing through my veins. Sure, I know all the truths. "O Eliza you are made new every day, O Eliza you're perfect in Gods eyes, O Eliza you've been made new, so you're a virgin still." Whatever. Can you imagine sitting down with the guy you're going to marry and be like "yeah.. when I was little I was abused and when I was 16 I thought I was worthless and that since I was abused that it was nothing anymore, so I had sex with this guy who just ended up using me and then I was drunk one night and slept with my youth pastors brother in law..sorry."
hoorah. Won't that just be a peachy keen conversation?! I still have those creeping thoughts that try telling me that I'm a slut, a skanky whore, that I'm broken and useless, that I've been robbed and now I'm worthless. Almost everyday I find myself regretting what I've done. Every time I see Michael in the halls at my school it's like somethings missing and he has this little piece of me... thats he's kicking it around, and flaunting it right in front of me. Because everybody knows that Eliza's "easy" and everybody knows that she's broken and everybody knows that if you get her drunk enough she'll sleep with you for sure. She's not a christian, she's had sex, look at her.. pfft we all know what she's done.
But His mercies are new everymorning and He's constantly looking at me with admiration and love and He thinks I'm beautiful and pure and good. So why should everything else matter?!
I don't know why.. but it does.. and it kills. fuck.
...eliza.
hoorah. Won't that just be a peachy keen conversation?! I still have those creeping thoughts that try telling me that I'm a slut, a skanky whore, that I'm broken and useless, that I've been robbed and now I'm worthless. Almost everyday I find myself regretting what I've done. Every time I see Michael in the halls at my school it's like somethings missing and he has this little piece of me... thats he's kicking it around, and flaunting it right in front of me. Because everybody knows that Eliza's "easy" and everybody knows that she's broken and everybody knows that if you get her drunk enough she'll sleep with you for sure. She's not a christian, she's had sex, look at her.. pfft we all know what she's done.
But His mercies are new everymorning and He's constantly looking at me with admiration and love and He thinks I'm beautiful and pure and good. So why should everything else matter?!
I don't know why.. but it does.. and it kills. fuck.
...eliza.
posted by ninja_e at 12/07/2005 04:09:00 AM
2 Comments:
E.
I always wondered what there was more to know about you. You're mysterious, you know that? Got a lot of secrets I suppose, but I guess I always knew there was some big stuff underneath what I could see. I feel really honoured that you trust me (well, you know I read your blog, anyway.) Whether for good or bad, your experiences shape you E. They change you, the way you see the world, the way you see yourself. Right now, your experiences with the world are fighting with your experiences with God. Which ones have more power to change you? Wow. That's a big question - it's only the real God that can help you answer it. If He wasn't real, you would have no power to overcome, to rise above. Or better yet, to let your experiences, all of them, be shaped inside of you by Him. Still real. Not forgotten. But somehow turned. For good and not the evil purposes the devil intended. Somehow, contributing to who you are. Making you beautiful.
Would you be less or more beautiful slash wonderful if these horrible things hadn't happened? No! They were not from God. God is a healer and a lover. It is the devil that tries to steal, kill and destroy. But we know God loves the broken pot and He doesn't throw stones or think it's ok for other ppl to throw them at you. No one is without sin or without secrets. The things that ppl don't know on the surface of Eliza give you a depth of understanding about pain, self-understaning, and loss that other ppl DO see on the surface. It might seem weird, but some of those virgins you wish you were may wish for your understanding, your depth and insight some day. It's ok to be who you are. With all of your experiences. God will use you and love you if you stick around to see it happen.
I will be praying for a release of many things now that I know what you've let me know. Expect to see change - a goooood change. (I'm trusting you've done some spiritual counselling, right? Have you dealt with "soul-ties"? If you want it, I'd really like to pray with you. Can you email me your phone number?)
I love you,
MJ
Hey Eliza...
Just wanted to thank you for your freshing realness. I don't know the answers but I appreciate the art of your life. mwa!
Amber
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