broken

So.. tonight.. I'm not a happy kid.. not in the least.. and I am trying to figure out why.. and fuck... I'm just so lost.. fuck..FUCK FUCK FUCK. Last night was the first time I cried in forever.. and tonight.. I'm crying again.. and I don't know why.. I think it's because I'm so frustrated with everything thats happening.. and I like look at it all.. and I still have this feeling of abandonment.. and I find it so hard to trust people.. and I mess up on a daily effing basis.. and I'm not failing anyone.. except for me.. and I take it out on myself.. and it's stupid.. and I feel at a loss for purpose.. and I just don't know what to do with myself.. because I look at my life and find it meaningless.. like what the heck do I do.. that is actually worth anything to anyone? Every day is the exact same.. and it's killing me.. this apathy is killing me.. and I don't know what I can do to change this.. and I just keep failing.. and I just.. I'm so frustrated.. because I feel so deaf and so blind to God right now.. it's like I can't hear Him or feel His presense or see Him work in my life.. and all I want.. all I want is Him.. and it feels like He's just out of my reach.. all I want is my Daddy..

I hate crying.

Eliza