Jaded.. yet so desperate..
Guys, I feel so lost.. it always seems like I come to this point.. and I just don't know how to get past it.. and so.. I just give up.. and go back to relying on the world.. and it's starting to happen again.. and I don't know what to do.. I don't want to go back to the way things were.. but I'm just becoming so frustrated.. like I desire so bad.. just to.. just to live in God's presence.. and to just be like Jesus.. but.. I just feel like I can't get there.. and I'm stuck in this place and I don't know what to do.. I'm just so lost..
posted by ninja_e at 2/11/2006 03:47:00 AM
2 Comments:
Beautiful E,
Sorry I've been gone, gone, gone so long. The opera closed last night. My mom, auntie, good friends from New Jersey, and 12 other friends were there. It was pretty much the best.
E - I so understand what you're going through right now. More than I could explain to you here. Sometimes I feel like this numbness is trying to take over my spirit. I've tried SO HARD to figure it out in my head. There have been times in my life when my walk with God has been so easy, natural. I felt Him ALWAYS, all days. I woke up and talked to Him. I heard His voice - sometimes He interrupted what I was doing to tell me stuff. And now when it's so foggy, I'm thinking, "Jesus, why am I far away? What did I do? I wanna go back to the way it was with you! I want to be married to you again." I guess marriages fall apart a lot in this life, but what blows me away is that in those few breif moments where I've been with Him this semester, He has always loved me. He still shows me stuff. He still lets betraying, adulterous, disobediant me into His presence. He never asks me to be someone else. He never even asks me to change myself. He just wants me. I can't accept that and so I can't let myself get close to Him sometimes. But I feel it and I know it. He just wants me. The way I am.
Let's pray for eachother this week. I love you,
MJ
Hello my amazing ninja!
I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to reply but I have rare email times. I love you so much. Things are hard for you right now, and I don't know what's in the future, but I know that you are stronger than you feel right now. You are smart, beautiful, an artist, emotional, and so much more. You have the heart of a righteous follower of Jesus. You may not feel overly righteous right now, but Jesus has saved and purified you and changed your heart. What does a righteous person do? When they fall, they get back up. I don't know if you feel fallen or lost right at this moment, but I know that you can stand back up. Knowing you has changed me life Eliza. Seeing how radiant Jesus is in you and your passion and desire for Him, has been crucial to changing my attitude towards worship and what it means to follow Jesus. Don't follow somebody else's ideas of worship or following Jesus--ask Jesus what he requires of you. Ask him how you should show your worship and love. You are a one-and-only my sweet Eliza and so specially unique! The people in North Battleford and in your life need you! You are light to them--I see it shining brightly. I'll try to email you soon! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH NINJA-E!!!!
Much love,
Ninja-A
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