i don't know

So I figured it was about time to give a little bit of an update...

well for starters i'm teaching sunday school this year.. and I'm leading team "Freedom"... uhm I'm still working at tim's and looking to pick up a job at the local art gallery aswell.. keeping smoke free for almost month three! but i dunno..

I just don't know..

i just keep finding myself in a place where i'm not satisfied with my life.. like.. I dunno.. so what if i quit drugs or smoking or cutting or drinking.. who cares? like.. what does it matter? what am i doing with that? how am i using this to glorify my God? what am i doing in life to draw praise to Him? because i'm pretty damn sure that what i'm doing isn't enough.

actually.

i'm pretty sure i'm not really doing anything.
it's like.. i've won the race.. but since that's all i've known.. i'm still running.

and that is pretty ridiculious.

i don't want to just stand around and say no to everything.. i don't want to spend my life quitting. I want to start things.. to start saying yes to things.. to help other people start things.. to help others say yes to things..

i dunno.. i see all of my actions and my words.. and it's pretty ridiculious.. and in all honestly.. i am nervous about what others think of me.. i'm a sucker for acceptance.. and to start actually living out and speaking out God.. is scary as hell.

a big challenge is my words.. like... whether we like it or not every word the comes out of our mouths will influence someone. and a lot of what i have been saying has a lot of emptyness to it.. a lot of death attached to it. and.. our words are just falling to the ground.. and people around are influenced by it.. see our words are kinda like gum on the floor.. they end up getting stepped on and it sticks to peoples shoes and eventually that's what people are walking on, that is their foundation, because no matter what, we lead and influence people... with every word and action..

i dunno if any of this makes sense.. i'm not sure it makes sense to me..

blah.