Yes my dear, Apathy is my best quality.
Man I'm so tired. This whole having to do actual work thing, just isn't cool. I think this is the first job I've had where I actually have to do real work. it's just weird. It's real cool though because the cut off date is this saturday sooo next friday I get paid around 148$$$ Which means, I'll for surely be able to go to YLC. nothing really new or life changing has occured really.. just the same crap.. differant day. oooh the complacency. So, I was chatting with that guy I call a youth pastor.. but. He had to go, and we didn't get to set up another date. And we really only talked for five seconds. But I really don't want to talk to him because I really don't like him. But there's all this stupid crap going on. It's so ridiculious. Ever have those times where you think you've dealt with poo in your life, but really you just "swept it under the rug"... and then something happens where it all comes back to you and you're like "whoah, i sooo didn't deal with this" and then it hangs over you at all times like an effin burden? yup thats been my life for the past little while.. but alas I don't know what to do. I was conversing with my one friend yesterday and she said that I needed to "let go and let God"... I wish there was an easy to follow step by step booklet or something. Because I don't know what to do, like a while back that's all I heard. And whenever someone said that to me I'd think "yea.. if only I knew, if only it was that simple." It's always so hard for me because I've lived so long with pain, that I'm not sure who I'll be when it's not there and it's all ridiculious. But I'm sick of this pain. I'm sick of these memories that plague me and I hate the way it makes me feel, how when it comes to mind I want to puke... or to just sit in the bottom of the hottest shower trying to get clean.. trying to wipe away the scars and the memories. I hate it.
posted by ninja_e at 10/13/2005 03:38:00 AM
2 Comments:
Liza,
There are so many ways to walk through the crap in a Jesus way. There's no ONE way to "let go and let God." There's an Eliza way that God has crafted just for you tho.
The anchor that will hold your heart in place as you get tossed through the sea of crap will be faith. And faith comes by hearing the Word of God. Since you have such a love for the Word and an understanding beyond your years that is brought by the Holy Spirit, I just want to encourage you to keep reading and confessing the Word over your life. Remind yourself of who you are and who He is; knowing the truth is not enough. It must be real life to you. It's gotta be in your head. All the time.
If you're independant, I can recommend some AMAZING books for you to read. If you tend to love talking to ppl and being with them, then call me or the other wonderful woman of God that suggested this blog! You know my number? If not, call Delia for it.
Keep trying to meet with your youth pastor - or if it doesn't work out, pray about meeting with Trevor, Dan or Pastor Deb. I think you would LOVE counselling with her.
Most importantly, you already have perspective. You know this is momentary crap. Past that has to be dealt with, but who's consequences (ie. pain, burden, gross, horrific feelings) have already died on the cross with Jesus. Remember the Word says he took every burden, sickness and sin with Him on the cross. Believe in Him. Confess with your mouth. The same way you were saved into eternity you are saved in an every day way.
Let the Spirit show you how He would desire to heal you.
Because, Eliza, Daughter of the Most High Daddy God,
You Are Healed.
Love you,
MJ
Hey beautiful girl!
I wish I had more time to write something to you, but my life has been a tornado this week and I'm already late for my ride home. But let me assure you that you are thought of often and loved completely--and not only by me!! Jesus thinks you are the cat's meow and He is so proud of the way your've been walking out and working out your salvation. I love you girl and I'm so excited to see you next weekend! I wish we would've gotten more of a chance to talk at the wedding but alas. We'll need to have a good chat at YLC. Don't let Satan steal your joy--he can mess with your life and turn things upside down and seriously screw things up, but we both (God's really been speaking to me about this the last 2 weeks) can't let him get the victory by stealing our joy. Put on joy darlin'! Go draw or write something this weekend and then email me and let me know what God showed you through it or how it was worship for you! Love ya!
~Ashley
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