......._______________(insert scream)
Honest, I don't know what to really do. For the past couple nights... it's been so bad. I've tried so hard to ignore it and focus on Jesus.. it's just so overwhelming, it feels like I can't do anything about it.. when I'm alone and I've got nothing else to think about.. this thought, this need, this want, to just grab a knife and hurt myself comes.. and it's so overwhelming. I can see it in my mind, I can hear it.. heck I can almost feel it. It seems like if I give in.. and do it.. such a release will come and such a expulsion of all the anger and pain. That if I give in it would be like a state of complete ecstasy.. last night I was sitting in my room and I had this razor sitting beside me.. and my mind just said "grab it, cut yourself now." and I freaked out.. and I grabbed it.. and threw it across the room and I left my house. I can't handle this. And the truth is.. it seems like I haven't heard Jesus for a real long time.. and it feels like He never gives me an answer when I need one.. sure the truth is He speaks all these differant ways and He's right here with me and sometimes we don't get the answers we want and sometimes we have to wait.. but I dunno. frick.. i need him so bad.. i dunno what to do and i'm kinda scared and i've got noone to talk to.. damnit.. and it feels like he's not listening and so unresponsive.. frick...
posted by ninja_e at 10/05/2005 03:37:00 AM
2 Comments:
You are pressed on every side by troubles, BUT YOU ARE NOT CRUSHED AND BROKEN. You are perplexed, BUT YOU DON'T GIVE UP AND QUIT. You are hunted down, BUT GOD NEVER ABANDONS YOU. You get knocked down, BUT YOU GET UP AGAIN AND KEEP GOING. (Ashley's paraphrase of 2 Cor. 4:8,9)
I love you so much Eliza! I know that life isn't easy for you right now, but on the other side of the valley's are wide open plains of blessing. We have to purpose ourselves to, if nothing else, to just hold our ground. Maybe it's hard to move forward right now, but just let Jesus surround you right there in the darkness where you sit surrendered and huddled. Hold your ground for how far Jesus has brought you and for how much He loves you. It may sound cheesy but "the clouds only hide the sun, they don't stop it from shining." Wait for the sun girl! I promise it'll shine again on you. Just wait it out. I'm waiting with you. I love you girl! If you need me call me toll-free 1-877-391-4255. I want to pray with you and encourage you ok!!! Love you!
~Ashley
Ashley, you're amazing and I don't even know you. Praise God for His divine appointments for you and Eliza-Jane!
Things seem to better now Liza, given your most recent post is plumb full of awesome Word of God Truth! So often I find myself telling others to speak the Word of God over themselves. To get alone and just tell their spirit Who to listen to. But, this past week I realized that the reason I was feeling so defeated, discouraged, frustrated and stressed was b/c I hadn't done that myself. It's funny how we can know things well enough to tell other people, but we forget to live what we speak, to make our faith in God active and part of the way we live our everyday lives. The confession of my mouth is unbelievably powerful! What I say I am, when it lines up with what God says I am, is exactly who I am. What I say I can have, I can have. What I say I can do, according to the Word, I CAN do. I just have to say it outloud so this part of me that likes to think and think and never really get anywhere can hear it. I need to hear myself speaking truth. Weirdest thing, but Praise God, it works!
I love you Lizer! Rise, shine, for your Light has come!
M.J.
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