Another one of those horrible no good very bad days.

K well it wasn't completely horrid, it was better than yesterday but it stilllll sucked. Drama ruined my day. But other than that I went to Bible study which was alright, and on my way home this guy was hitch hiking, little did I know this guy was a native cross dressing man named Chris, hahaha he was so funny he was telling me how he was dancing on the side of the road and how hot it was it was so funny. I gave him a ride from the bridge to the four way by the petro on the way outta town, hilllaaaarious. God's a funny guy. I drove past Chris and turned on my way to go home but then God was like "gooo give him a ride, I've got your back" So I go back and pull up as close as I could and I call out askin if he needed a ride and so He gets in and all the while I'm thinking "o my goodness i hope this guy doesn't kill me and jack my car" lol but it just turned out to be a real funny time. Then I go to put gas in my car and I go to pay and my card is all "insuff. funds" and i was like "baahhh" and i had like enough to pay 25$ outta the thirty.. and so i had to run home (praise the Lord i only live like half a block away.) and grab money, so embarrassing. lol o well. In the end, today was good. Thank you Jesus for Chris, and for providing awkward funny moments at the gas station. You're too good to me.

love you alllll,
Eliza-Jane

Worst day ever.

So today was the worst day of my life. First off, I had to wake up and go to school And I haven't stopped working yet, Tomorrow is my first day off, but I have to do play stuff, homework, bible study, clean my room, all this stupid stuff. So I get to school, grab all the stuff out of my car that I need stand there looking in my car wondering "is their anything else I need? No I don't think so" proceed to shut the door when I look in the window to see the keys sitting on the seat. Go team idiot (members = Eliza)!!!! So I just ignore it. Go to my first class only to find out my one assignment is due and I'm definantly not done it. whatever. Next class I have three guys outside with me by my car trying to use a coat hanger to slimjim my car door. None of them could get it. Third period is my spare, I'm standing outside trying to open this effing door it's snowing and windy and so cold. probably like minus a bazillion (well.. -15..maybe -10) and This door is so ridiculious and so my one friend Shanni walks by and I convince her to drive to my brothers to get his roommate who knows how to get into cars. so we come back. seven guys and an hour and a half later, they finally get the door open. So, it's pretty much the beginning of fourth period but I'm hungry so I skip and go to subway. get food go back to school only to encounter stupid faces that I wanted to kick in the face. I ate my food and went to the new Timmy Hoes and picked up some tea, went back to school to do nothing and just get more angry. yaaay. I go to work and have all this crap put on me. This guy I work with who is supposed to be the back closer for that night pins everything on me, making me the back closer, and he calls me a bitch. yaaaayyyy. I go over to my bro's to find no one home. Go over to my friend Shylahs and take her out for coffee and discuss dance with her. It's been decided we're doing a dance to Deliver Me (antidromic remix) - by David Crowder Band (from the sunsets and sushi album) for our Mogul mania retreat. That was really the only good part of my day. I don't know why though, but all day, I've just been happy. I dunno, guys, Jesus is so good. It's ridiculious. Honestly, this was such an aggrivating sucky crap filled "horribly terrible no good very bad day" but Jesus couldn't have been more sweet to me. hahaha sometimes I'll just be doing whatever and He'll just whisper my name and be like "Eliza, I love you, just thought I'd remind you." hahaha He's so sweet. Jesus is just good. Praise the Lord for His goodness. I'd be lost without Him. bahahaha I'm real excited now, I'm just gonna have to end this and ditch out to spend some time with Him. lol.
love, Ninja E (Eliza-Jane Zachary Halter... word.)

Shining Ardent Eyes...

A lady came up to me at church one day and told me I had shining ardent eyes..
Ardent = Expressing or characterized by warmth of feeling; passionate: an ardent lover.
Displaying or characterized by strong enthusiasm or devotion; fervent: “an impassioned age, so ardent and serious in its pursuit of art” (Walter Pater).

Burning; fiery.
Glowing; shining


Enthusiasm, passionate, devotion, fervent, burning, fiery, glowing, shining.... is that what people see in me? When they look into my eyes? I remember a time when I used to look into my eyes and wonder that. The only thing I saw was hurt sadness and hate.. but now I'm being told I have ardent eyes..
i'm not too sure..


Eliza

ps, just a question.. but why is being gay wrong and where is it in the bible?

Powerless...

I used to have these nights... where I'd realize how bad everything was.. and my heart would be so burdened to do something about it.. but I'd then realize how powerless I was.. and it would frustrate me to the point of anger and hate.. I'd try to numb it by drinking or getting high or sometimes even cutting myself. It's been four months since I had my last ciggarette, four months and two weeks since I last did drugs, four months and three weeks since I last drank, six months and two weeks since I last cut. Tonight is one of those nights. I'm so frustrated. I have this intense need to lash out. What will I do with it tonight? I don't want to just go to bed and ignore it like every other time. That's just as bad as anything else I've done. I'm so frequently brought back to this place of not knowing what to do or say.. to this place of being left broken and crying out... to this place of desperation.. and it all ends the same..just like every other time.. lying in bed cold powerless..helpless and crying out to my Father and then crying myself to sleep in His arms.. I wish I could come up with some brilliant solution.. or the right words to make everything better.. something that would bind up these peoples hearts that are so broken.. the ones that God places on my heart like heavey weights.. but I can't. I wouldn't even know where to start. I feel so powerless when I'm just left to lie there on the floor crying out to my Father. Those moments when I'm with those people who my heart is breaking and crying out for to see them in such pain and hopelessness.. I'm just left with nothing to say.. and I hate it.


I keep on having people telling me that a call on my life is that Isaiah 61 verses 1-3.. The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.


I'm not sure if I believe that it's for me or not..


eliza.

recreancy

recreancy - 1)Unfaithful or disloyal to a belief, duty, or cause.
2)Craven or cowardly.


I guess I'm falling under the number two definition. Partly number one. I have this fear about me. The fear of death. God's been convicting me on it for some time now.. but I just can't seem to shake it. I have this emense dread and feeling of nothing-ness/emptyness when I think about dying. I know people who can't wait until the day they die so they can have a shin-dig with Jesus.. but I fear it. I doubt Heaven. I've had real experiences with God, and I see Him active in my life (mostly) but I still doubt His promise of Heaven. Like I love Jesus.. but... I don't know.. *sigh*..

Ninja E..

Lessons.

Blah, Regina Retreat is so boring. Ridiculiously boring actually. But it's saving grace is that Jesus showed up at the services lol. Honestly I found myself the second day asking "why in the heck did I come?".. I found two answers,
1) Jesus.
Lets face it, anytime with Jesus is amazing, and lately I've really been learning about basing my faith on truth and not having an emotive faith. I honestly haven't felt those "warm fuzzy" Jesus feelings in a long time. Last time was lying on the floor at boot camp and it was just like I was lying on my Daddys chest being held in His arms, just chillin together. It was such a good night. Sure, He's been revealing stuff to me, but it isn't attached with emotions. All weekend Sherri kept on saying "'I know, therefore I feel.' not 'I feel, therefore I know.'" It's a hard lesson, but I know that God is with me, and that is enough for me.
2) Friends/Christian Fellowship.
So, I have no friends. Well I do... but just no close friends. Noone I can sit with and talk about life with. This weekend, I had the privilege to be billeted with my good friend Kassy Harbottle and the Lifeforce girls (Delia, Angel, Mellisa, Jessica, and Karissa) we had an amazing host, and it was a good time. Also the oppurtunity to just hang out with friends and chat was good, I even got better acquianted with my youth group. I'm learning how to be friends with guys. It's hard for me because the only relationships I've had with guys have been filled with hurt. But just as God has/is fix/ing/ed those relationships He's helping me build new ones with guys. God even restored my one friendship with Katie Kasal-Flagal. It's a hard thing for me to accept and forgive her because she broke my trust and got me in trouble and a whole lot of other things. But I'm learning to forgive her. One night God was talking to me about her and the things involved and how I really needed to forgive her and tell her that I was sorry myself for certain things, and she ends up coming to me crying asking for my forgiveness. God is good.

So, God's weird. I've been learning a third thing that combines my reasons of going to the retreat and works in the things of my life that has been happening over the last little while.. He's building my dependance on Him. Searching my heart, making sure. Over the period of a year and a half, He's been stripping away anyone I've depended on or cared about more than Him or anyone I've wanted to please and anyone I've ever craved attention from. It sucks. It's hard. I hate it to be honest. But, I know I need it. So, I'm learning to depend on Him alone. And, I'm okay with it. Like I said, I'm learning that just having Him with me, is enough. I believe that maybe, after I've learned enough about depending entirely on Him, that He'll place someone in my life.. whether in the form of a friend, acountability partner, or.. heck maybe even future husband.. I believe it will be after I learn this that He'll place them in my life because He doesn't want me to run the risk of placing that person before Him. I've had relationships like that in the past.. and heck even now when they're around I struggle with it. But I know that losing everybody is completely worth this lesson. Psalm 146:3 "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save." In truth I'd rather stand alone with Christ, then be surrounded by friends who cannot save me.
Here's a Little Picture I drew.


Ninja E

...greed

So tonight I was watching the show 'Medium' with my family.. I almost started puking. At the beginning she was having this dream, and it's this man giving this "motivational" seminar on how to make money or something and he's asking people how far they would go for money. He goes up to this one lady, she looks to be about... 40, married, (her husband was sitting beside her) overweight. And he asks her "how much money do you make a year?" and she responds that she's not willing to answer, he says he'll give her 200 bucks right then if she told him/the audience. So she answers. Next he asks her "are you wearing clean underware?" She's slightly taken aback. He sees this and offers her 100$ to answer him. So she takes his money and says "Yes, I am wearing clean underware.".. what happens next.. I'm still shaken over it.. like I'm in tears. He then proceeds to ask her if she'd take off her clothes right then and there for double her anual salary (I believe she said 35 grand or something) She says "no, I can't." And he puts on pressure to her to do it, raising the stakes to 2 million dollars. Her husband is sitting beside her encouraging her to do it. This man looks at her and says to her in disgust "You can? or you won't? How far will you go for money?" and she says "I won't." Next, the man looks at her husband and says "Will you do it?" the husband says "Take off my clothes for two mill? sure." He starts taking off his shirt when the man says "No, I'm asking if you'll take off your wifes clothes." And the husband looks at his wife, she's crying and says "we're going" and gets up to go when her husband grabs her and starts ripping off her clothes. She trys fighting him off when he yells "Thousand bucks to anyone who'll help me!!!" And the last shot is this lady screaming on the ground while all these people just dog pile ontop of her ripping off her clothes. At first, I got really angry. My dog actually got scared of me and my mom was trying to calm me down. And now I just can't stop crying. Like I feel sick to my stomach, like spiritually sick. I hate it, I'm just thinking about how all these people just strive for money. How people are willing to prostitute themselves for something so stupid. And the more I think about it, the more I'm realizing that some people would actually go as far as betraying the love loyalty trust friendship they have just for money. That someone would actually rip off their crying ashamed wifes clothes infront of hundreds just for money. Two million is a lot of money, but thats nothing compared to happyness. I know.. it was only a show.. but right now.. there are little girls selling themselves.. right now there's probably someone watching that exact same show and wondering what was wrong with that lady that she couldn't just demean herself in that manner for two million, there's people agreeing with the husband. There's parents out working four jobs, just so they can have more money than they need, sacrificing their children for work, for money. And that, is wrong. That, is why I'm crying.

I really wish the ringing would just stop.

I just went to the most amazing concert ever. I'm so injured. My ear is split a bit and my cheek has a big bruise and my back is probably full of bruises. It all adds up to the best time of my life almost. I'm going to Regina this coming weekend. My friend Shanni is coming with me. It will be soo good.
I messed up and had a smoke.


Ninja E

Kidnapped

Today. Was a pretty decent day. I found out I'm passing like all of my classes I got paid, I didn't work. I even got to go to Tim's during first. Also I got the car today. Jesus was good to me on this day. So, I was coming from the bank, driving to my bro's house to stop in for a lil' visit... when I get kidnapped!


Well.. not really, but, almost.. My bro's girlfriend (Lindsey) was on her way to Tisdale with Shannon (roommate/good friend of mine) But they needed to get someone who could drive standard, because they needed to pick up Lindseys new car. So I was "Volun-chosen" Tisdale = four hour drive. So the drive up was pretty boring/interesting (as most road trips are I'm finding out..) BUT the drive back = phanomenal. From Tisdale to S'toon Shanni drove with me in Lindseys neon... and well to be honest.. I'm really interested in going on the Australia team for street invaders this coming summer.. and there's a chance for me to go to Mexico with my church in Febuary... And so I was talking to her about that.. and I told her about street invaders and about my views on God and stuff and how my life has since changed from what it was and how even though life is harder, I find it so much more fullfilling than what it used to be when I smoked/drank/used. I got to share with her why I'm finding joy even though things seem to suck, I outright told her that "even though things are crap, I'm okay, because Jesus, is still good to me." and so now she wants to come to street invaders.. and now she's going to come with me to Regina Retreat next weekend. I'm really excited. Honestly this past couple months God been just teaching me about His goodness. Seriously. God is good. So I will hold unswervingly to this hope that I profess.
Two Energy drinks + four hour drive - two hours by yourself = BAAAD. lol
lol.

Ninja E

Nov. 1st.

It's November first, and you know what that means.... I WON TWENTY EFFING DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!! I quit smoking. It's been THREE MONTHS. Jesus is sooooo good.


On the other side of news.. Megan and Kim don't talk to me. I've been realising that they weren't the best of friends anyways.. They never phoned (actually Megan calls my house... for Kim.) Never invited me to hang out. We've had arguments about this before.. they say it's because I got close with Delia.. maybe I wouldn't have gotten so close if they would've called or talked to me... like.. I tried hanging out with them and phoning them then aswell.. I got shut down. Plus.. Delia left.. two years ago. Two Ephing Years. I don't even know if it's worth it. I'm considering not even trying anymore. These highschool politics are killing me. Maybe I should just go slit my wrists somewhere. Honestly. I thought I had no friends before. Like, no close friends. No I'm left with nothing here. Except for Kayla. This is stupid. I have so many friends. Yet I have noone at all. I think I forget how to make friends even. Hell.
At least I have Jesus.
...frick..

Ninja E

Uncontrollable Malice.

Yeea. Not a good day, at all. I guess for halloween I was the annoying back stabbing truth telling bitch. My bad. So, last night, I'm at work, get a phone call from Kayla. She's crying and asks me if Kim Megan and Ashton were talking about her the night before. Clearly I tell her the truth. Clearly it broke her heart. So, I finished work as fast as I could, made a pizza and some cheese sticks and told her to come over to my house. We definantly ate pizza and cheese sticks, then discussed the events previous. Turns out Kayla definantly wasn't ontop of Brandon and definantly had her pants on. Though they were in the same bed, but that clearly doesn't matter at all. She asks me more about what they all said and what happened and I told her and then we discussed more about how/why this is all happening... and so she leaves. I go on msn, I'm talking to Megan... and I ask her if she was sure that Kayla was ontop of Brandon without pants. She says that she was joking... so I tell her that I didn't believe she was joking because I had several differant people telling me that they heard this from her, and that I had a dramatic re-enactment by Kim. That I also found it hard to believe anything else that she said was a joke, because she agreed to everything everybody else said and even threw in some comments about Kayla. She told me again that she was joking. I'm the master of sarcasm. There wasn't a hint of it in her voice. So she starts getting mad at me telling to eph off and mind my own buisness (only in more abusive terms) So I stopped talking to her. Then she gets mad at Kayla for making me mad at her. Maybe Megan should just stop lying. So today at school. It's art class. Kim Megan Karli Analeesay. All at one table. I'm directly diagonal from them carving a pumpkin with my friend Dawn. While they sit there and talk about what happened. While they sit there and talk about Kayla. While they sit there and start talking about me. I continue on carving. I take the knife and put the blade on the edge of the table and I fling the handle so it makes a "twang" noise. Kim snaps on my face. Tells me to stop because I'm so annoying. I tell her that I was annoyed at millions of things she did, but I put up with it. So she can just shut her face. But she says back that I should just tell her to stop and call her a bitch next time this happens. As if I'm that stupid. So almost end of class. Annaleesay (back story: She's the annoying girl nobody really likes, but tolerates because she's willing to prostitute herself for friends. Megan hates her, yet Annaleesay does anything Megan wants.) is popping bubble wrap. I ask her to stop. She continues. I tell her to stop. She tells me to stop being an annoying little bitch. I tell her to stop being an annoying little whore. I reaaally wanted to tell her that she was annoying and that the real truth was everybody hated her and Megan just keeps her around for personal gain. But I didn't. All day. Megan and Kim. Don't say one word to me. One word. The exception being when Kim was snapping on me. These are the people who said I was their best friend. What a waste of my life. This day was horrible. It made me want to cut myself. Therefore it's ridiculious aswell. Highschool politics. If you tell the truth, prepare to catch the bullets. And this, is the bullet.

end of story.