........I'm calling..

These Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees I’m crawlin’
Oh, I reach for you
Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I’m callin’
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m fallin’

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m fallin’
And all I see is you
These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I’m callin’
And all I need from you
Hurry I’m fallin’

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth saving me

Hurry I’m fallin’


Ever have those days where you just don't see the point in continuing on? Today was one of those days for me.. pretty much hit with every old temptation... now that I think about it... it was kind of ridiculious. Everything looked so good.. so right.. and I'd catch myself.. thinking about just giving in.. and then thinking 'what the hell am I doing?' but it's just been so long since I've heard His voice.. I'm just acting careless I suppose..

Part II
Today I went over to Shannon's house after church, and apperantly her and her boyfriend got into an argument this morning that was pretty bad.. and she thinks moving in with him was a mistake... and I'm looking at this girl, and seeing all this pain.. and I'm so broken for her.. and it kills me.. because I don't have anything to offer her.. nothing that will help her.. all I've got is God.. and I always choke when I'm trying to tell her... so I bought her lunch instead and told her that if she needed to she could come live with me.. I don't know what to do...
If any of you could.. can you remember her in your prayers? It would be great...

peace, love, and something else...
Eliza.

Cinders and Smoke

Best song ever = Cinders and Smoke -by- Iron and Wine
At any rate.. my life is pretty boring, for the past week I've been sick like every day pretty much.. Tuesday I actually went to school, and for coffee with Scott.. been doing that for the last three tuesdays.. it's been good. Dance looks like it's going nowhere fast.. and so since I've been sick I've either been at home watching movies.. or at Shannons watching movies... it's been fun.. so yea.. that's been my life. Extatic.. I know.. but somehow.. I think I'll survive the hectic-ness.

Peace!
Eliza-Jane

OooooooOOooo

So.. I re-did my blog with my own fancy html.. and sweet background pic.. (that i took myself) So.. yea.. just thought I'd let you all know how hot it is... because.. It's real hot.

yup.


plus. isn't she hot?

Stuff and Nonsense

So.. my life is pretty boring.. and nothing too exciting has happened.. except on wed. night.. well more like thursday morning... at 1AM I just got off work the hour before.. and I'm sitting there.. and then.. the phone rings.. It's freaking Marrisa Moccasin and she's like "i'm at the bus depot come get me!" So she stayed at my house for a couple days.. she's now kicken it with the fitzels.. uhm nothing really new on the Jesus part of my life.. still just as lost as ever.. but I'm choosing to continue in my pursuit. Because I like who I am now.. with Jesus.. Guys.. God is so good.. I may not be able to 'feel Him' working in my life right now.. but.. the fact is He's good.. and that's pretty sweet in and of itself.. Man I get so giddy when I start thinking about how good God really is.. it's ridiculious.

Jaded.. yet so desperate..

Guys, I feel so lost.. it always seems like I come to this point.. and I just don't know how to get past it.. and so.. I just give up.. and go back to relying on the world.. and it's starting to happen again.. and I don't know what to do.. I don't want to go back to the way things were.. but I'm just becoming so frustrated.. like I desire so bad.. just to.. just to live in God's presence.. and to just be like Jesus.. but.. I just feel like I can't get there.. and I'm stuck in this place and I don't know what to do.. I'm just so lost..

broken

So.. tonight.. I'm not a happy kid.. not in the least.. and I am trying to figure out why.. and fuck... I'm just so lost.. fuck..FUCK FUCK FUCK. Last night was the first time I cried in forever.. and tonight.. I'm crying again.. and I don't know why.. I think it's because I'm so frustrated with everything thats happening.. and I like look at it all.. and I still have this feeling of abandonment.. and I find it so hard to trust people.. and I mess up on a daily effing basis.. and I'm not failing anyone.. except for me.. and I take it out on myself.. and it's stupid.. and I feel at a loss for purpose.. and I just don't know what to do with myself.. because I look at my life and find it meaningless.. like what the heck do I do.. that is actually worth anything to anyone? Every day is the exact same.. and it's killing me.. this apathy is killing me.. and I don't know what I can do to change this.. and I just keep failing.. and I just.. I'm so frustrated.. because I feel so deaf and so blind to God right now.. it's like I can't hear Him or feel His presense or see Him work in my life.. and all I want.. all I want is Him.. and it feels like He's just out of my reach.. all I want is my Daddy..

I hate crying.

Eliza

Struggles..

It's going to be a year.. on.. may... 27... I think.. of me not cutting...


Today.. I was sitting at my brothers place.. helping Shannon with science.. and Lindsey was being a bitch to Shannon.. and she said something to Shannon that made me instantly think of things my mom used to say to me.. and then... automatically I just had the most intense desire to just find a knife and just let loose... It made me feel sick. I'm still pretty upset about it actually... It's still a temptation for me.. Plaise God for being bigger than this...

Eliza

Stop.

Stop. That's what God has been telling me tonight. I just need to stop. Tongith.. I was like "God I just don't know what to do.. I feel so stuck..." and He's like 'Go find Shylah.' So.. I find Shylah.. and I'm like 'so.. you should pray for me..' and she says 'whats up?' and I says back to her.. "I just don't know what to do.. I'm so frustrated.. like.. I have all this stuff spoken over my life and I want it so bad but it's seems instead of a blessing, like a curse because it's like 'o Eliza you'll be so huge in God's army.. you're such a leader.. you'll get visions and dreams.. you'll go visit Heaven.. see angels.. and into the spiritual realm.. move in prophecy.. have healing hands..blah blah blah'.. and It just gets so frustrating because here I am and to me it feels like I haven't heard God in forever.. I haven't drawn since october.. I read my bible.. I pray.. I try so hard.. I just can't seem to find Him... like.. what the frick do I do?" and Shylahs response "God's telling you to stop. Just stop." Then I started to cry....


my S.I leaders asked me the day of my de-briefing where I want to be in the next thirty years.. what would I have liked to accomplish.. and my answer is still the same.. I just want to be like Jesus.. because really.. what else is there?

peace,
ElizaJane

It's a party down in catholic town

So Today was my first day... I didn't enjoy second period too much.. other than that my day was okay.. I think my afternoon was the best. It's lookin up.. I'm kinda excited...We'll see how things go..
Dance is such an effing frustration.. (Delia.. if you read this.. my respect for you.. has now gone up x50.) two girls showed up semi on time today. another girl showed up half an hour late.. and decided to take my co-leader out shopping for half an hour. another girl showed up almost an hour and a half late.. and another showed up at quarter after 6.. dance started today at four. One girl couldn't make it due to homework.. and two others had to work.. oddly enough I told them that there was a practice like.. three weeks ago. One girl doesn't even know the dance.. and I ask her every effing day whether she needs help or wants to run over certain areas again but she's stubburn and says that she's got it under control. FRICK. I'm so frustrated. I looked up my name meaning today... Eliza means - consecrated to God.. Jane means - God is gracious... Zachary = remembered by God..
I'm in love with my name I think..
PEACE

Pizza slut!!! er.. I mean Hut...

So.. Today I went in for orientation at Pizza Hut.. I'm very excited... compared to Family Pizza.. this job seems so easy. I'm very excited. My first day is on monday... Dance is coming together nicely.. and tomorrow is my first day at JPII.. I'm so nervous. I teach dance tomorrow after school and then my brother and I are going to go out and have a little shin dig.. I'm really excited for that.. I love my brother. So... I might be moving out of my parents house this summer.. if things work out.. which I highly doubt. I got my inhaler today.. the only thing that could possibly make me cooler now...is tap dancing. But I'm not skilled at tapping.. Life works so weird.. God is a funny guy.

peace!
love, Eliza.

Beauty..

Oddly enough.. it's something I've been struggling with lately... it's like.. I see so much beauty in everyone.. I tell them so.. and they almost punch me in the face pretty much.. but.. I don't understand it.. like.. we're crafted after a God who is too beautiful to comprehend... so if God is beautiful.. and we're made in His image.. well.. we're beautiful then. It's just that simple. Why can't we comprehend this simple little fact? Why can't people just accept themselves as beautiful... why can't I? These are kind of rhetorical questions.. I know the answers.. I just... wish people could just.. be themselves.. and feel beautiful and accept that.. because... that is beauty.. we don't have to mold ourselves to be some little barbie doll that the media has created. We just are beautiful. Being who God made you to be.. is beautiful..
Why is this something I believe so strongly.. but can't accept it for myself? Why do I find myself looking in the mirror every morning only to look away feeling like crap because I don't think I'm pretty? It's ridiculious...

Eliza