Jesus Loves Me This I Know..

sooo yea.. i feel so lost right now.. and so anxious.. i don't know why.. frick. i hate feeling desperate. There's so many feelings running through me right now.. and there isn't really a reason for them to be there. honestly.. sure it sucks being home.. it's heart breaking seeing my friends walk in the paths that trapped me for so long.. and it's hard being with people who are only waiting for me to fall, to mess up. And tonight i'm sitting around feeling anxious and nervous and desperate.. i'm feeling angry and hurt.. lost..confused.. alone. I feel like I should be bleeding... but I'm done with that. Because I am going to choose truth. (Isaiah 30: 19-21) "O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.' " The truth is that the Lord has me, He will not let me go, and I am His daughter, and I'm not ready to forsake that. Even if I can only be forever at the threshing floor of my Fathers house. I'd rather be there than lost and bound within the camp of my enemies. Sure.. it still feels like I'm a bazillion miles from Jesus.. but the truth is.. He's right here. And I'm desperate for more of Him.

Desperate.....

So yesterday I went to church.. the senior pastor Dan was finally back and so the sermon was actually good. lol. He was on a sebatical, and the people who covered for him on Sundays... weren't always the best. At any rate, yesterday his sermon was on a bunch of things that he pieced together (like usual... go pastors with adhd!!!) but the end part of it really made me think. In the large part his sermon was on how we learn and where we get our major revalations about God. Scripture, Everyday life, Direct from Holy Spirit. And for the last part he tells us something he has noticed/thinks, and that is people who get their main knowledge about God from just Scripture and directly, are often not really touching ground and it doesn't show up in their personal life and relationships and they are more of the doctrinal type. Then, there are those who get their knowledge majorly from personal relationships and Directly, and that those people are often very good at gathering people and leading them and getting involved, but often miss the main target and lead slightly off track. And then there was those who had theirs from Scripture and personal relationships, and that these people had potential to be everything, they knew it all, but they lacked intimicy and ended up growing bored and trying to fill their lives with other things because of the lack of direct connection with the Holy Spirit.. and thats who the pharasee's were. And I don't think I explained it the best, but I was sitting in church and I realized that I'm that last one. Honest.. it sucks. And all I want is my Dad.. and to be real tight with Him..


That Night..


I went to a party for my one friends birthday. It was kinda fun.. but so heartbreaking... drunk kids from the ages of 13 - 21.. half of them were high.. people making fools of themself..people just randomly making out with people.. it was a jockstrap party the girl even hired a dj. my friends i went out with got real pissed and ripped and when we were supposed to leave my best bud Kim who was supposed to be driving just finished a joint and still expected to drive.. and i told her that i was driving and she told me to fuck off and she shut the door to the car locked them and started it up.. so i yelled at her through the door that she was a stupid effing bi*** and that she was stupid and that i didn't want her to end up like Meagan Steph Andrea and Garrett. And my friend Brandon finally got the keys away from Kim and he drove (he was sober) the party ended at like 1:30 and we got into town at 2 and then until six am I took care of my two drunk puking friends and my one burnt out friend. And ate greasy Mcdonalds at 5:30 am. that was definantly a wrong move. I had so many thoughts that since I didn't have to drive I could just get real drunk.. but... that just wouldn't have worked. Because I love Jesus and then my friends would have been right about me. And I don't want that.
-Eliza

denied

I don't know why, but tonight.. i feel so down.. i think this is one of those nights where if i stay up too late i'll end up doing something i'll regret. being here is ridiculious.. honest.. the guy i'm supposed to be accountable to.. i haven't talked to since two days after i got home from street invaders. and then everybody i hang out with like.. smokes or drinks.. some do drugs.. and damnit. it's hard. i wish i had a cool christian friend... (preferably of the male gender) to come and partake with me in my activities like school.. friends places... youth..church... parties.. then we could be too cool for school together. and sure there are those other christian kids i know.. but lets face it.. they all suck. haha except for Amanda but she's all hardcore school/work/working out... and has like no time.. and then when she does.. she's not allowed out because she lives with these people who are all hardcore nazi's... (not literally.) and all the boys in my youth.. are immature... and preppy jock emo boys. *sigh*... frick.

changes...

Hokay so, I get sick.. I'm gone for four days, I go back to school. and what happens? Everbody.. changed. My four friends... are all dating. My like best bud Kim is dating my friend Lane, and then my other best bud Lisa is dating my friend Jamie.. and then this one guy cut off all of his fro... and then this other guy got his lip pierced.. man.. and then there is like, me and my other best bud. still single. and nothing new in apperance. And nobody calls to tell me these things, the jerks. And so now I want an adorable boyfriend. geeze. But the only adorable sweet guys I know.. definantly just started dating my friends. dang-it. And then all the nice christian boys I know.. listen to dashboard confessional and dress all trendy emo... the losers. *sigh* soooo i just guess i have to like... wait for Jesus to bring me some hot gorgeous man who is taller than me... but i'm definantly thinking that will not happen till i'm out of north battleford. gah... the waiting game. Mind you there is one boy I like... his name is Jason Tootoosis... he's all punk skater man... and pretty..and super nice.. and so cool.. and so sweet.. and he's taller than me.. the only thing he lacks is green eyes and Jesus. DANGIT!! So today I have learned and decided I'm going to trust in Jesus and wait for Him to bring me some gorgeously tall sweet man with green eyes. I think I'm also going to start praying for my husband today. Pfft I sooo don't know who he is.. but I'll pray for him anyways. lol.. sigh.. whatever.. I must go eat supper now.. farewellllll

Death...

So i don't know why.. but in the past three months.. i've had four friends die.. now it's possibly up to six.. the first three died on Wendsday June 15.. Meagan,Andrea,Steph... then on July 27th my other friend Garrett died.. all of them in car accidents.. and so tonight.. i was talking to three of my friends.. Amanda Curtis and Alanna.. and they are all drinking and then going to go and sneak into the third period of the hockey game.... so i get this phone call a while later.. like 10:30.. and it's Amanda and she's at home and she's freaking out and she's telling me that Alana drank a mickey of hot 100 (50% alchohol) and Curtis drank either a mickey or a 2 6 of smirnoff and they weren't allowed into the hockey rink because they were so drunk.. so they are walking back through this school yard to get to Amanda's house when Curtis sits on this bench and then Alanna starts puking and she passes out and Amanda see's cops coming so she's telling Alanna to get up and she finds out Alanna's not breathing and she goes to get Curtis and she takes a step towards him and he falls off the bench and he's not breathing either and so the cops show up and then the ambulance does and Amanda couldn't handle it and the cops sent her home.. and so i guess the ambulance took Curtis and Alanna to the hospital and i don't know anything and now it's like midnight and Amanda was supposed to call me back because her dad just got home... and FUCK... why are all these people dying?! damnit.. i don't know what to do..

Jesus.. please help me.. Daddy take me up in your arms.. o God i need you so much..

i just wanna scream..

-elizajane..-

Effin Sick...

So i've been stuck in my house for the past two days.. you know what that equals? it equals GAY. that's what. so.. i dunno.. it felt nice not having anything to do.. but also.. because i had nothing to do i've pretty much been so apathetic.. which isn't good.. because we all know apathy just isn't cool. like.. you'd think i would have spent the past two days chillin with Jesus... because heck what else do you do when there is nothing to do? well not me... i definantly spent my time watching tv.. ol' school.. dukes of hazard and original degrassi junior high... sick? heck yes. so whats the lesson here? i don't know.. it's mostly just me being appalled at myself for wasting my own life.. geeze.. k, switching gears. so if i could i'd definantly just scream right now. just freak right out. and break things. possibly put a whole in the wall with some appendage of myself. i don't even know why. i'm pretty sure i'm just being over critical of myself.. yet again. suprise! o wait.. no thats nothing new. frick. honestly i don't know how life could be more wrong right at this moment. o wait i could be out doing drugs and smoking and drunk and sleeping with some random man.. but o wait according to my "friends" i'll get to that. just wait a moment please. friends? what friends? I really mean the jerks i associate myself with. frick. i want' out of this crack whore town. 'coz nobody cares about me here and the ones who are supposed to... have cracked expectations and the other ones.. forget about me.. i'm suprised i don't have scars by now. i can't wait to move to calgary... praise Jesus for calgary..

-eliza-

Banned For A year..

So i've been banned for a year from wal-mart.. just because i had no money and decided to lift a miniature can of spray paint, honestly i've known people who stole more than that and only got banned for like a month.. like what the f bomb? i would have never gotten caught if it wasn't for fricken cart boy Will who overheard my conversation with my counterpart. but ok enough complaining about how much i suck. so i got a warning from the cops (praise Jesus) and i'm apperantly grounded. and today i woke up real angry.. i didn't want to be with Jesus at all.. plus i had these thoughts of me being classified as a thief and for some reason i was just angry at God.. i think it had to do with me being caught.. but at any rate i'm sitting in church during worship and i had a bazillion things running through my mind.. and so God just started speaking.. and He was all like... "Eliza you're not a thief, you're not a failure, you're not anything but my daughter. deal with it. I don't even remember what you did that you're so worked up about honestly all I know is that you are my daughter I love you and you are perfect in my eyes, sure you may stumble and make mistakes but, who cares? I sure don't. because if you're willing I'll just pick you back up and we can continue on. Because unlike everybody else I'll never leave you and I will always love you, no matter what. Eliza, the whole theft thing, it's over, done with, I don't care about it, all I care about is you, the real you. I'll be with you in everything.. deal with it. just because you've fallen this time doesn't mean you should just go back to the world. that would be ridiculious. I'm your Father and no matter what I'm proud of you. Eliza my darling daughter, I love you. and that's all that matters."

yup. but i have to go draw a lil' somethin and read my bible.. and make myself tea. because i love tea.

It's Been Awhile.

So yea, it's been a bit, mostly because i've been out galavanting the past long weekend.. sunday i went to church.. honestly.. it was so good. gah! so much joy and energy. it was wow. then i went home.. sat around.. walked to my friends workstead.. only to find that she was not there.. and so i journyed (sp?..w.e. i don't care) to my other friends house (conviently located across the playground) and chilled there and hung out with my one friend Megan.. went to the big Sask anniversary thing at the flats and watched fire works for half an hour.. almost killed some boy.. who's 15.. and corrupting my friends 13 yr old sister.. (corrupting as in convincing her to lie to her parents so she can stay at his house for a party and drink and do drugs and make out with him.) so i almost got into a couple fights. was super angry and stressed.. no one in the betting pool was around so i grabbed my friends smoke. and took two drags. then i realized what in the crack i was doing. and then i wandered off by myself a bit.. conversed with Jesus on the matter.. and then did a whole bunch more of useless waste of my life stuff.. except for going to Robins and making corned beef sandwhiches. 'coz those were good. monday i slept.. went to visit my friend Matt.. but he had already went back to the hospital in s'toon.. but i then took my friend Shylah out to one of the most beautiful places here while the sun was almost setting and we just kinda fell in love with God's beauty.. and then i went to visit my brother and then i went home.. stayed up too late.. went to school this morning.. fell asleep in every single class.. skipped my last one and went to saskatoon. saw Kirstie and Delia. had a wee shin dig and i just got back from a bus ride were i talked to some guy about his work in BC.. he smelled like a dirty bar.. but then i fell asleep. haha.. now it's late.. and i still gotta go spend time with Jesus.. farewell.. and until next time boys and girls.. eat smart and stay fit! thanks!

peace out - Ninja E-

Beauty In A Whisper

So.. i didn't do anything to exciting.. i made myself a resume'.. while talking with Ashley.. (Ashley.. honestly.. you happen to be amazing.. thanks for being you.. i swear every time i talk to you i just.. get to know more about Jesus and who He is.. and you honestly inspire me to go deeper with Him.. you're great.. and i love you) then i went and applied for jobs with my dad.. but he was in the "i wanna be a jerk" mood..and so he fought with me about everything.. my apperance.. my driving.. my life.. whatever occured.. he fought with me about it.. well more like yelled at me while i tuned him out and contemplated driving into on coming traffic.. geeze the guy can be difficult.. and honestly i thought i looked rather presentable.. i like.. wore my nice shorts.. and a nice clean shirt.. and had my hair all nice.. but.. i didn't look presentable. poo on him.. i felt good about the way i looked so he can like.. take his opinion and like.. shove it where the sun don't shine (and yes i do mean that in the most christian manner. haha o my) so then i have to go pick up my momma.. so i'm cruizing along the road to the nut house.. while my dad is yelling at me about something ridiculious..o right.. i didn't know where to turn.. sorry if i've never gone that way before. frick. and then.. on the tape we were listening to this song by Andre Bocelli (...famous blind opera man) and it was just gorgeous.. so i turned it up loud.. and my dad still was yelling at me.. so i blocked him out.. and i got lost (not like.. driving lost..) but like.. Jesus just came in and took my attention.. because this road i'm driving on.. is like.. old. it's got a short stone wall on each side.. with these old trees... that are turning colours.. and leaves are falling.. and the sky is blue.. and to my right there's the river/valley.. and on my left the golf course (including the trees).. and i was just in awe.. it was like a whisper.. it was like where Elijah (i think) needed encouragement and so all these things happen... a storm.. earthquake..fire..flood... these things that have the power of God written all over them.. but they don't give Elijah the strength he needs to go on.. and then God came in a whisper.. and today.. that was my whisper.. me, being in awe of my Dad and the beauty He made for me to enjoy.. it just reminded me He was there and gave me the strength to put up with my dad yelling at me.. God's amazing.. honest. and then i went out for coffee with my friend Sarah.. i love going for coffee with her because we talk about philosophy and politics and science.. and she's catholic/christian.. and so we play ideas and thoughts off of each other and it's just great.. tonight we talked about bio class.. and how they pretty much have to shove evolution down your throat before they can teach you anything else because thats what everything in science is based from. we thought it was just great that in the same class i had the teach. told us about how spontaneous generation is cracked and then he tells us about the so called "creation of life" where some lightning hit the water created amino acids and then it somehow turned into life. great going on the contradictions. mind you there is a test proving the whole lightning gas and liquid creating amino acids. but it in no way proves that life can be created out of a simple chemical compound. it's just another theory of spontaneous generation. haha.. fricken losers. but i'm kinda tired.. so imma go read my bible with a nice cup of tea and then sleep.. it shall be glorious..
-peace out-
Eliza Jane.

ten bucks against..

So I've pretty much got the best friends ever.. o wait i don't.. so i get back from S.I. and go to school.. honestly. it's hard. i've got two friends who have bets with me about smoking (before Nov. 1st i lose out ten bucks to each.. but if i make it to Nov. 1st i get twenty bucks) and then other people are just placing bets on me.. and now i've got a friend laying on the expectations and last night.. was one of the most greatest nights ever.. i was so.. just. gah. i can't even say what state i was in it was this weird mix of sad hurt anger love brokenness and so much more and i was at a loss of things to do.. so i went to my basement put on some worship music and layed on my face for awhile.. and just started talking with my Daddy.. turned into a bit of a worship hay-day for me. honestly even though at that moment i was like "ugh life is gay this sucks blah blah blah" God was still just soo good. so.. i just started to praise Him.. pretty much awesome.. drew a little.. danced a little.. ugh. k so like for the past i dunno months pretty much i've been reading my Bible every day and that day i forgot it in my friends locker.. and last night honestly.. i just had the biggest urge to read my Bible.. i felt so.. not right without reading it that night.. and so tonight i'm definantly going to make myself a cup of tea and read my bible till like midnight :) i'm so excited haha.. draw a bit.. spend some time with my Daddy.. it shall be just great... i'm excited.. tehee.. if anybody has heard me laugh when i'm like being tickled hardcore.. yup. the little girl giggle.. thats me now. i'm just so excited.. i have to go.. later haha
peace out

Kayla

So today i got up.. went to school.. went to class.. another class.. spare.. ate lunch.. got into a minor car accident.. went to class.. then another class.. and finally class again... hoped on the bus.. got off the bus.. walked home.. talked with my mom.. ate.. went on the cpu.. talked to my one friend who isn't doing so well with Jesus.. and she's dating a non christian guy and she's dated all these guys before.. some christian.. some not.. God's told her to break up with them all.. and i was talking to her and it got laid on my heart to tell her that God wanted her to break up with her boyfriend.. and so i was like "can i ask you a question?" she says sure.. so i ask "So.. you've dated all these guys.. some even christian.. yet God's told you to break up with them all.. and now you're dating Ashton.. what do you think God thinks on you and him dating?" then she said i was the most encouraging friends she had.. but she said it as if she said "you're a jerk and i hate you" and we still haven't talked.. and then i was like "o crap what if i wasn't supposed to say that" and so i talked to my one friend who has the attitude of "God can go eff himself" but she was the one who led me to Christ.. and i had no one else to talk to so i tell her what happens and..well.. she's telling me all this stuff like "blah sometimes you're not always right.. and if God wants it to happen it will.. and blah blah blah" and so i'm trying to be like "no see this time i think i am right... because honestly i really think it was just God speaking through me.. honestly i think they make a reasonably good couple.. but in God's world.. they don't because He has someone better for her" and then she starts this rant on how these three friends sit around every year after i get home and they talk about the "lecture" they've recieved and how they are all "blah change your life for Jesus or go to hell"... and how it's always the same.. how i'm all "blah Jesus" and then around January apperantly i'm doing drugs smoking drinking and sleeping with random men. and how it will happen the same.. and then i told her that as if she cared. and then she goes on to say how she was worried and tried helping and so i was like "yea so you help by doing the same things? 'Oh, Eliza's doing drugs and drinking i'm worried.. lets help her and do drugs' yea nice concern" and then i explain to her how i never thought she actually cared because they always threw me off to Delia and never called or asked me to hang out.. and so i became closer with Delia and then she goes on to say how i shouldn't always make myself the victim and how it's really my fault. and i admitted to her that yes it was partly my fault and her fault and the two others fault and Delia's fault. and then she was like "blah shut up" and so i was like "WELL WHATEVER I'm sorry for not being perfect in my faith.. i'm sorry you didn't know anything about my life i'm sorry i walked through some hard times that affected me terribly and i'm sorry i didn't stand strong is that what you want?" and she said something else but i can't remember and then i had to go because i had to go out for coffee with my one friend Sarah because she just got back from her pilgramage in europe.. those crazy catholics.. she got smashed in germany with nuns and priests.. and her spiritual advisor... hahaha

greetings

Greetings and Salutations,
My name is Ninja E... aka ElizaJane.. but honestly who uses actual names anymore.. i certainly dont. My friend Ashley wrote a tribute to me on her blog.. and it definantly made me shed a tear.. jerk. haha just kidding.. aw you're so gorgeous. honestly i'm pretty sure that everything about you is gorgeous Ashley.. yes even you're amazingly hot body. so shut your face if you say/think otherwise. otherwise i'll remove your kneecaps with a crowbar. deal with it. so in other news this one day.. as in four days after i got home from i was sitting around with my brother and his girlfriend and a couple other people watching brain waste movie "Ham and Cheese" and i had kills on Lindsey's smoke.. i don't even know if i actually wanted it. i think i just did it because i wanted my bro to be proud of me. and.. right after i did it.. my brother side hugged me and said "i'm proud of you"... yes!...?... no. but that's the last drag of a fag i've had. and o let me tell you i've come close.. like smoke in my mouth about to light it.. when i'm like "what the gay?!" and take it out and put it in my friends hand. but honestly. for two seconds of my life i was willing to give Jesus up.. for my brothers approval.. wow. somewhere in Luke it talks about hating your mom your dad your brothers your sisters compared to your love for Jesus and how you must take up your cross and follow him.. am i doing this? honestly i want a heart like Davids.. i'm reading 1 Kings right now.. so i pretty much just finished reading all about David and now i'm reading about these Kings and at the end of every chapter of these Kings... to sum up their life.. it either said they did.. or they didn't have a heart like Davids.. serious.. if someone ever wrote a book about me.. after i'm dead and gone.. i hope the last line of that thing is "and ElizaJane had a heart like her father King David, she followed the Lord all her life"... wouldn't that be amazing? i honestly hope thats the thing people remember about me.. otherwise.. this life.. has been worthless.. seriously.. 'coz then.. i'd just be like one of those people living on every high.. constantly seeking something better... i'd be living without joy.. peace.. hope.. security... and so much more.. i remember my life without God.. and it's not fun. how could there be any life in that?.. so.. am i willing to love Jesus so much that i hate my brother in comparison? seriously.. my brother = my hero.. besides the crap thats happened and the insecant drinking and drug use..and other things that he does.... he's everything (i believe) that God meant an older brother to be. He's my hero.. my best friend.. my protecter (when i need one..).. my shoulder to lean on.. cry on.. gnaw on.. my arms to go to when i need a hug.. my ear that will listen and understand because he's comin from the same place i am mostly.. like serious.. my brother.. he's amazing. and i love him a lot. like.. just thinking about all that stuff about him.. definantly made me cry. (shut up. i can still judo chop you to the throat.) and to think of me.. hating him in comparison to my love for Jesus. holy crap. this is hard to comprehend.