.......lost

So.. I'm at a loss for what to do..
See there's this girl.. that I love.. and she told me she might be moving today..
I don't think that I could handle that..
See.. the thing is.. all through my life.. I've just had broken relationships.. with my brother.. and with my mom.. and my dad.. all of them broke trust with me.. and then all of my life all the friends I've ever had.. we're never really close to me.. because I've always had this issue with trust.. and not letting people into my life.. and so then this one other girl came into my life and she was the only one I ever really let into my life.. and then..things happen.. trust was broken.. and she left.. and now we don't even really talk.. even when she is back home.. and i swore to myself that i wouldn't ever trust anyone again like i did with her.. and then this boy came along.. and i lost so much to him.. and he left me broken.. and i swore to myself again.. that i wouldn't let anyone else into my life.. and then.. she came into my life.. and i.. i let it happen again.. and now.. she might be moving.. and..and i just don't think i could handle if she did leave.. why do i get myself into these relationships.. why?! honestly i don't know why i do this to myself.. why i haven't learned.. i just don't know what to do.. i hate this... I don't want to go back to being alone.. i don't think i can handle being stripped of another person i love.. and i so think this decision isn't the right one.. not just because i'm really selfish and want her to stay.. but because i honestly think it's not what God wants for her.. but i don't know what to say to her.. fuck.

This Political Shakedown.

I couldn't think of a better title.. and that's a line from a song I'm listening too.. it's called War Sucks (Let's Party) by my favorite band... aka Anti-Flag. word.



So.. It's been decided... I'm going to apply for the Australia team this coming pay cheque... so this saturday.. I'm filling out my form tonight.. getting Scott to fill out the pastoral form... and sending it all away on monday... I think this is what I'm supposed to do... I'm really excited.. this is definantly a faith building experience.. because I definantly don't have the 4 G's to go... but, I'm believing God is gonna provide.... I'm taking 200$$ from every pay cheque plus I'm going to fundraise like mad to do this... but hey if God is telling you to donate me money for this.. go hard! lol..
on another note..
lately.. all these people keep talking to me about drugs.. and how good they are.. and it's driving me insane.. I want to just.. go and freaking do some. But that would be ridiculious... and I keep having these like.. "dreams" about cutting.. it's sick... but I will choose to deny this desire of the flesh.. because God is so much better.. I've come so close to ruining my life so many times with this stuff.. and I'm choosing to deny it and follow God... it's hard at times.. but hey.. what can ya do?
Job 13 : 15
Though He slay me, I will put my hope in Him, surely I will defend my ways to His face.


word.
love ya.
Eliza-Jane

stress.

These past two weeks have brought many joys.. but so much stress.. on friday I was told if I missed one more class... excused or unexcused.. I'd be kicked out of school.. and for the past two weeks I've been getting home at like 11.. staying up to do homework and stuff till midnight.. reading my bible and this other book till 12:30-1.. and then my dad has been waking me up at 5:30.. quarter to 6.. so I can drive him to work.. then I get home at 6:30.. and try to sleep till 8.. picking up Shannon.. almost being late for school every morning.. trying to stay awake.. then go for lunch buy Shannon and myself something to eat.. and my car is running on E.. I don't know how much $$ I have in the bank and I'm not sure how much longer my car can make it.. get back to school.. try to stay awake during christian ethics.. go to math to get more stressed out because I suck at math and I'm failing the class and I hate it so much and try to stay awake in it.. leave.. have an hour to myself.. then either go to work till 9ish..10ish or go to church till 10ish.. then take Shannon home then try to get everything done that I needed to do in the day.. I'm not sure how much longer I can go like this.. I'm so tired.. in every way.. physically.. mentally.. spiritually.. but I'm going to go and get a head start and an extra hour of sleep.. love you all.

-Eliza

Joy and sorrow

Today wasn't the best of days for me.. I think it had something to do with me waking up at 6 am (after going to sleep at 1 am) to drive my dad to work.. it's never pleasent... or going to school.. or going into work.. but I'm realizing I shouldn't base my attitude/emotions on the scenarios unfolding around me.. because He is the hope I profess.. He is my joy. On Him is where I set my gaze.. even with this world around me full of death.. I can still find Joy and Hope.. love and acceptance.. in my Father.. and this makes it all worth it.. because compared to eternity.. this is nothing but a speck of sand on the seashore.. isn't that wonderful? I certainly think so..

Part II

on saturday this guy I know.. hung himself.. and he wasn't a christian.. I've only met him about three times.. and I never once told him about Jesus.. how foolish is that? Another one of God's Kid's is in hell.. and it's ridiculious.. and I'm upset about it now.. but tomorrow I'm going to see all the same people.. and I'm going to act the same way.. and I'm not going to say one word to them about their Father.. this apathy is killing me.. and killing others..I think I feel a little sick..

Up- to the - date

So God... is ridiculiously amazingly good. Ever since Shannons been home.. all she can talk about is how freaking amazing Jesus is and how much He's changed her life.. just watching her.. blows me out of the water.. seeing how she can just go up to these people and just telling them out right what God did for her and how amazing He is.. is amazing.. all these people I could never imagine telling about Jesus.. she just goes and does it. Like my brother, or my brothers girlfriend for that matter.. it's insane. I remember when I first became a christian.. I was like 12.. and I'd tell people and they'd respond to me like I was a little kid and that it was just nothing and they'd quickly change the subject.. and then I became insecure about it... especially with the people I was close with.. because I was so scared that if I did share Jesus with them.. they'd just treat me like a five year old and reject me... man life has been so crazy... Soo today.. I get up go to Shannons to get her for school.. she's not ready.. so we skip first.. and then she's still not ready.. and I'm like "frick Shannon you have to go to school" and she's like "I don't want to" and I'm like "fine. we just won't go this morning, but we're going in the afternoon" and then we go for lunch with Scott.. and we go back to the house to get her binder.. and we go inside and she's like "I don't think I'm going to go this afternoon, I really don't want to" and so I got real angry and was thinking to myself that going to JP and stuff was such a waste.. because without Shannon being in JP with me I don't want to go.. because other than her and like two other people I don't really know anyone. And so I was like "frick, whatever I have to go to school." and I acted like a real big jerk.. and I left.. got to school late.. thought to myself "screw this" tried to start my car.. but it wouldn't.. finally got it started.. and I just had to get out.. and so I went to the old airport and got out of my car and walked around.. just started crying and yelling at God... for putting my in these relationships with people... for making me broken for people.. that I wish I could just quit.. and get so lost in sin and live in a freaking hole for the rest of my life.. because that would be so much easier.. and then God told me to stand up... so I did.. and I looked around.. and there was peace.. and God just said "Eliza.. I made all of this.. I made you.. I wrote out your life.. I have you in my arms.. Eliza you are taken care of.." it was awesome.. and then I go for coffee with Shannon and Lindsey (bros' gf.) and so Shannons telling us that earlier today she was praying got frustrated with everything and left a message on Lindseys msn saying that she messed up real bad and moving out was a mistake and how sorry she was.. but Shannon and I tottaly think this was God.. because instead of msging Lindsey she msg'ed Tyler.. who was the one who was angry at her.. and he said that she could move back in, meaning Shannons out of the relationship with Mitch.. and then I'm just talking to Lindsey on msn.. and she just told me that on monday night when Shannon and I went over and Shannon was telling them all about what God has done for her.. apperantly Tyler told Lindsey that after that.. he started thinking about becomming a christian.. and now I'm talking to Lindsey about it.. and apperantly she's real curious about it too.. and so they might be coming to church with me on sunday.. This is ridiculiously exciting. wow.. today.. has been crazy..

Praise God...

love,
Eliza

Sr.High

Wow. Sr High was the best weekend of my entire life. Hahaha I know.. that sounds a little extreme but, honestly it is ranking high on my list of all time favorite experiences. I think the biggest reason was because my best friend (Shannon) became a christian. We were sitting together at chapel on friday night.. and the speaker (Carmen) did an alter call.. and Shannon and I kinda watch a few people go up and just lay face down, and then Shannon starts getting up and I'm thinking she wants to leave, and she hits me on the leg and is like "lets go" and so we walk up to the front and I just got to lay beside her at the altar while she just poured her heart out to God and became a christian.. it was one of the best moments of my life... I was so excited I nearly pee'd myself. This is honestly the best thing ever. I'm still so excited. wow..

(part two)
So tonight I was talking to Shanner (bahahaha, Shannon) and she's having a lot of difficulty concerning her boyfriend (he's a non-christian) and he's being a big jerk about her becoming a christian.. and this week is going to be really hard for her.. because she's considering/pretty much is breaking up with Mitch.. and so tonight we are driving around doing a few things (wooooo tim hortins) and this girl is amazing.. she just couldn't stop talking about how Jesus saved her and how her whole life has just changed... and we go over to my brothers new place and she just starts telling my brother and Lindsey about all this stuff that Jesus did for her and how amazing it's been.. and I was sitting there in awe... because that for me is the hardest thing to do. I just couldn't ever see myself talking to my brother about Jesus. So then we go over to her sisters place to see her dad and her sister and she just starts telling them... it's freaking awesome. So guys, please keep her in your prayers....thanks

God is so good.


Ps, Mary Joy, I'm really excited to see you. Plus you have to meet Shannon, you'll love her. Lovvveee yoooouuuu

geeze...

Today.. my grandma.. (of all people.) Was bugging me about not having a boyfriend..


and that made me sad. lol...