...? i dont' even know.

So as I sit here and write this, my best friend is dancing the night away on extacy.. and, I just.. don't know what to do. So.. I sent her a txt message and I ask her what she's up to and she replies that she's just chilling with the girls and that my brother just showed up.. and i send back "o neat" and she replies with a "yea everyones fuked up" and I ask "are you" and she replys "maybe" and I send back "yes or no?" and she sends "I love you" and I tell her that I love her too and she replies "yes" and I ask why.. and she says "why not..." and i send back "Jesus?" and she replies "whatever i'm going to go dance" and so I just told her that I loved her and if she needed anything to just call and if she wanted to leave I'd come get her.. got a couple people to pray for her..
So as I sit here, worrying about her and trying to figure out what exactly happened that made her decide this, I'm finding myself trying to take the blame.. by being a bad example, saying the wrong things, not loving Jesus enough.. which is all pretty gosh darn ridiculious.. but.. I still can't help but wonder if any of those things had to do with her decision...
Which leads me to thinking about the people who loved me while I went out and got all messed on drugs... I am so sorry... I never meant to make you worry.. Thank you so much for it though.. with out it I probably wouldn't have ever got around to straightening up my act..

And so as today marks my year of sobriety from drugs.. I sit here.. and feel helpless because my best friend is out on E.. and all I can do is pray.. So it would be really sweet of you if you could remember Shannon in your prayers.. thanks... sorry that this kinda jumped around all over..

"Get up, get out, get away from these liars.. 'Coz they don't get your soul or your fire. Take my hand knot your fingers through mine, and we'll walk out of this dark room for the last time"

-Eliza

......hurt

There wasn't anything special about today.. it was the basic tuesday routine.. except instead of bible study we made pizza for our fundraiser.. so.. at the end of the night.. i'm loading up pizza in my car to take home so i can deliver them to people tomorrow.. and I made the mistake of going out the mix doors.. there's these guys standing across the street.. and they start loudly commenting "what the fuck is that?" and then these girls walk out the mix doors and start loudly commenting on my looks and making bets on which gender i belonged too.. and of course they join together and i walk to the other door of my car to get in and they start whislting at me sarcastically and yelling obscenities about how "hot" i am..
i didn't look at them.. didn't say anything to them.. just got in my car... turned it on.. drove away and focused on not crying.

and so basically..
i feel like shit.
you'd expect that after hearing things like that every other freaking day since i was little.. that i'd be able to just block it out by now...
but i guess that tonight was just a bit too much for me to handle..


so now... i think i'm going to just go lie in bed forever..




-eliza.

So.. it's monday.

Bah, Mondays.. what an ugly word..
at least this Monday is at least..
and it's only 9:30 am..
the day has only just begun..

let's make a list of bad things that can happen between 7:30 am and 9:30...

1)waking up at 7:30
2)having to get my car
3)getting back home too late to go back to bed for more than 10 minutes.
4)driving to school.. only to try and squash a bug and ending up rear ending someone.
5)hearing a new clicking noise while driving
6)going to school
7)finding out that your class is on a field trip and you forgot to hand in your permission slip
8)having to go back home to miss the morning
9)having to phone your mom and tell her what happened

yup.. two hours.. of badness.
but.
God is good.. and I'm choosing to believe this. So even with all this crap that my morning has been filled with I know that the God I serve works for the good of those who love Him, and I happen to love Him. So, I can hold (or at least try my best) unswervingly to this hope that I profess.. and I can rest assured that my Father will make this day good.. somehow... I hope.

O, plus Edmonton was fun/good... a nice little break away from here...

peace,
Eliza-Jane Zachary Halter.

drained..

These past few days.. have been so overwhelming.. I feel so drained.. So tired.. So broken..

All this stress just building up.. it's just been a bad week basically.. and for some unknown reason.. God and I wrestled... and He won.. and so.. I'm done for good.. ciggarettes and I aren't associated anymore.. which makes everything seem so much harder.. and I'm sitting here watching my best friend make the wrong choices... and it breaks me.. because I can only sit.. and watch.. and be there for when things get messed up and plans fall through... it sucks.. I wrote a math test today.. and i only answered about 10 questions out of the 70... school is so stressfull.. and I have this whole week off work.. and I missed 5 days last week.. so my cheque is going to be next to nill.. and so this weekend.. I've decided to ditch out on everything and all of my silly responsibilities and run away to edmonton... to chill with my buds Carol-Lynne and Tabitha.. It shall be exciting.. it's going to be a year for me being sober soon.. that's pretty neat.. and then in June I'll be completely cpt.sober for a whole year.. God is so good.
word.

sweetness

WOOOOOO
Man I love Jesus.
Today was awesome.
So if you've been doing your homework you know that there's this boy I like named Daniel (pictured in the post below) and man lately there's been all this pressure to like date this kid from all these different people and my own thoughts aswell.. and it was driving me up the wall because I honestly know that I'm not ready to date anyone.. or get married for that matter. and that I really want to have a really good friendship with someone before i just dive on in and date them.. and above all.. i just want it completely in God's hands and in His timing.. because I've rushed in and ignored God in past relationships and have gotten tremendously hurt because of it..
Then.. today happened.
Today in church.. I was praying and I just said "God.. here's my desire.. and here's Daniel... I can't handle this.. and it's way better in your hands."
So.. then I went to DQ where I ran into my one friend and we went off and talked about this whole thing and it actually just made me re-assured that Daniel was an amazing man of God.
Then I went to football.. played that for a couple hours and then hung out with Daniel and Shylah for a couple more hours.. Then Daniel and I took Shylahs sister to a bible study.. then we went out to the nut house to go for a walk.. and we walked around this one path for like an hour and then went down to the river to hop sand bars and he pops this question "so whats the biggest struggle you think you'll be facing this year?" and I say "probably some relationships and Shannon and some stuff" and we talk about it for a little bit and then i pop it back at him and he says "definantly relationships" and he pretty much said all that I said up there about wanting friendship and not being ready to date and letting it be directed by God.. and it was so great.. lol i sound insane.. most girls would probably be crying and freaking out that the guy they like only wants to be friends with them. But this.. this friendship is beautiful and if this is what God wants us to be.. I'm prefectly fine..


baaaaah
I'm so relieved.

check this out.

yea..
If you're ever bored.. go check this out
www.ninja-e.deviantart.com ...it's some pictures i've taken..

yea.
and this is a picture of me and the boy (Daniel) I like





















at any rate...
life.. bah.
and that's the end of that.
peace.
Eliza

re-arranged.

Sometimes (well a lot in the past few years at least) my life radically changes.. and seems to fall apart...

But I'm coming to learn.. that really.. my life isn't falling apart.. things are just being re-arranged.. and God is taking parts of my life and the people in it.. and giving things a new look and rebuilding and renovating and re-arranging.. because what is life without those things? boring and bland. Sure there is pain in things being re-moved and torn down and thrown out and put in different places of my life.. but with it always comes something new.. new things, new people, a new perspective and something new to hang on my wall..

I'm not very excited to have things re-arranged... and to have all this new construction done.. because of course it involves pain, patience, work, and perserverance.. and honestly.. who looks forward to pain and work? (well unless you're emo and you're all into self harm.... then you might be.. but i'm too cool for that now. lol.) and it's scary to put your life in the hands of an Architect who hasn't even told you what it's going to look like when it's finished.. but that's where faith comes in I suppose..

-Eliza

torn.apart

My uncle has around a year to live.
He has cancer again.
and... I went for supper at my grandma's... and visited with him and the rest of the family..
then I left.. went to Shannons.. and lit up a smoke.

I'm so disgusted with myself.. I honestly almost started to cry.




What am I doing with my life?


I was thinking earlier.. about when Shannon and Co. will be gone... and I'm so scared.

Friends are getting all caught up in the world..
and my heart is breaking...
and I don't know what to do..
and I'm so scared.

Zeph 3:17
The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing