set.the.fire.to.the.third.bar

I think I need to break out.

Break out of this consistently busy never ending routine of mine..

Because I'm finding myself restless.. and I'm finding myself lonely.. and I'm finding myself empty..

why?

I think.. no.. I know it's because I'm lacking..

Lacking intimacy..

Lacking intimacy with my Father.. my Love.. my Lord..

It's kind of ridiculious.. how some of these last posts have been all about wanting Him.. but I keep finding myself in neglect.. I keep finding myself busying myself with uselessness. I find myself craving for passion.. but still wanting to live in this lethargic state...ugh..

You.Burn.First

Why am I still so hurt by you...?

Why do you still drive me insane...?

Why do I still love you so damn much...?

Even though you look right past me...

Even though we never talk...

Even though you call only for favors...

Why?

I hear your words echo through my head;

Words that promised so much;

only to have you shatter them on the floor;

Only to have my heart break right along with them...

What have I become to you now?

I’m easily seeing the answer as 'nothing'

I hate you so much.

But let's be honest here... I love you, So much...

And now it’s killing me;

never hearing those words drip out of your mouth;

never again dwelling in their security…

Why did I let you in…?

I love you.

summer.skin

Hmm.. this past weekend.. was pretty incredible.. it was such a good time.... first I got to spend two-ish hours driving alone.. without music. so.. I had a pretty good little chat with some fellow named Jesus.. arrived in Eston quickly said hello to all of my favorite people there, picked up Heather and went to saskatoon (almost dying on the way there.) where much fun was to be had and a night with the ever lovely Kirstie Seier. Got my lip pierced and a sweet new leather jacket.. so exciting.. travelled back to eston to enjoy a super service and I think God's been telling me a little bit about next year.. well not a little bit.. I guess where I'm spending the next year of my life isn't a little thing.. but I think I've clued in to what God has for me.. so it's pretty sweet.. I'm pretty sure I'll be going to eston.. Then after the service I got to chill with some of my favorite people.. spend a night with Laurie and got up went to church ate dinner chilled watched a bit of a movie.. then ditched town to drive in the freezing rain! It was such a good weekend.. thuroughly needed.. Since being home from SI my life has been so busy.. so full of work and school and just everything that I have obligations to.. keep me so busy and so tired.. so.. Jesus is sweet.. so so sweet..

hmm..

I think my favorite moment was during the sat night service.. where I just felt like i was resting upon my daddys chest.. it was good.


peace.
Eli

i don't know

So I figured it was about time to give a little bit of an update...

well for starters i'm teaching sunday school this year.. and I'm leading team "Freedom"... uhm I'm still working at tim's and looking to pick up a job at the local art gallery aswell.. keeping smoke free for almost month three! but i dunno..

I just don't know..

i just keep finding myself in a place where i'm not satisfied with my life.. like.. I dunno.. so what if i quit drugs or smoking or cutting or drinking.. who cares? like.. what does it matter? what am i doing with that? how am i using this to glorify my God? what am i doing in life to draw praise to Him? because i'm pretty damn sure that what i'm doing isn't enough.

actually.

i'm pretty sure i'm not really doing anything.
it's like.. i've won the race.. but since that's all i've known.. i'm still running.

and that is pretty ridiculious.

i don't want to just stand around and say no to everything.. i don't want to spend my life quitting. I want to start things.. to start saying yes to things.. to help other people start things.. to help others say yes to things..

i dunno.. i see all of my actions and my words.. and it's pretty ridiculious.. and in all honestly.. i am nervous about what others think of me.. i'm a sucker for acceptance.. and to start actually living out and speaking out God.. is scary as hell.

a big challenge is my words.. like... whether we like it or not every word the comes out of our mouths will influence someone. and a lot of what i have been saying has a lot of emptyness to it.. a lot of death attached to it. and.. our words are just falling to the ground.. and people around are influenced by it.. see our words are kinda like gum on the floor.. they end up getting stepped on and it sticks to peoples shoes and eventually that's what people are walking on, that is their foundation, because no matter what, we lead and influence people... with every word and action..

i dunno if any of this makes sense.. i'm not sure it makes sense to me..

blah.

.fallen.leaves.

this is so hard.
I'm freaking out..


all I can think about is having that one little drag... that one last hit..

o my goodness..

all I can think about is ciggarettes.



I.. I'll be honest.. this is one of the hardest things ever...

All I hear from people is that I'll be smoking again within the month...

it's what I dream about..

and.. what if they are right?

and I just..

I didn't think.. I just was asked too... so I did.. like it wasn't much.. just lit it for her..



but honestly.

what am I doing.


Oh, Father help me... I can't do this..

Getting.back.on.the.roof...

Another season of youth is coming up.. and every third friday of the month we do this thing called "on this rock" and with that comes the question of the dance team.. the drama team... and this year God tossed a lot of oppurtunity to get involved on my plate.. my youth pastors and the leaders involved with OTR have decided to open it up and get the youth more involved.. we have the oppurtunity to help/lead in areas like:
-Music/Worship (singing/playing/sound tech)
-Drama (leading/writing script/acting)
-Dance (leading/dancer)
-Media (video/photography/web design)
-Events Coordinating (Planning and such)
-Barnabas Ministry (Prayer for OTR/Counsel/encouragement to others)

and part of me just wants to jump right in.. but part of me is so scared.. like.. I want to do things like lead drama and dance and get involved with media stuff like photography and web stuff.. get a little involved with planning events like I want to set up a coffee shop kinda thing and I want to get involved in the Barnabas program.. like I'm so down with taking people out for coffee and encouraging them.. but.. after the previous years with the dance/drama team.. I'm nervous..

But something that God was telling me at bootcamp is that I do need to get back on the roof as Tim would say.. that I wasn't a failure with the dance team.. and that I need to start encouraging others and start living out in freedom and help others do that aswell..

So.. even with all that.. why am I still so scared..

I just don't know..

but I'm out..
peace

no.really.

so the question is "Eliza what are you thinking writing this, don't you know you'll probably end up kicked out of class?!"

and the answer is "yes I do know and no I have no idea what I'm doing writing this!"

so.. I have this crazy english teacher.. who i had in grade nine for homeroom/social/english and uh there was assignment she gave us back in the day that was a letter to the editor.. it was to be an opinionated letter on an issue that you were concerned with and it could be wrote on anything.. so my one friend writes hers and it's about how christianity should be allowed in schools if evolution is.. because in all reality evolution is just a theory.. and i write mine on baby engineering and how it's freaking wrong.. and so what happens is.. I get an F on my paper and my other friend almost gets kicked out of class. the teacher ends up taking our papers as a personal attack against her because of what she believes/teaches... and hates us for the rest of the year... which is why my friend and I almost failed grade nine. So welcome to English B 30. This years opening assignment is "Where do you come from" and I have to write about where my ancestors came from and two qualities that I have that could be linked to them and a Current Event I'm concerned with and my future goals.. So I get everything down pretty much minus the whole "qualities" part.. like honestly.. what am i supposed to put "well I like perogies 'coz i'm german and I'm down with rap because i'm 16% black."

and so after a bit of a chat with my mom she tells me that some qualities I have are being free spirited and being a christian.. ask me later how that works.. and so why.. why in the world am I writing these..

I don't know.

but it would be super if I could get a lil' prayer action going on here..

because this whole term is going to be a little english party... and i'm kinda nervous.

.days.

So... I'm in grade twelve.. and I'm sure that almost everyone and their dog has asked me "well geeze Eliza what are you doing with your life then?"


and well
the honest answer is "well geeze, I have no idea!"


and that is kinda starting to freak me out a little.. mostly because majority of the people I know are either moving onto the next step of their life.. or they already have their next step planned out.. and I'm kinda sitting around twiddling my thumbs..



It honestly just dawned on me a few days ago.. that I'm actually graduating.. and I have to kinda get together what I'm doing with my life..

so.. I just don't know what to do..

There's so many choices.. and I'm captain indecisive.. and my mom drills me almost 4 times a week about what I'm doing.. bah..



..but secretly.. I think I know where I'll end up.. and secretly I think I know what God has in plan for me for the next 5ish years of my life.... but I'm so nervous about this.. and to go right out and say it scares me.. and I don't know why..


and I'm secretly unsure about this whole thing.. and secretly I'm worried sick that this may not be what He has for me... and secretly.. I just don't know anything..


I'm pretty sure the only thing I know is that I just want what He wants for my life... I dunno how that looks exactly... but.. I'm okay with that...

the.art.of.losing.myself

I can't sleep.
I just....


I'm being kept awake by this hunger..

I want to find myself consumed, engulfed, buried, overwhelmed, drowning, flooded, submerged, overcome, overloaded, immersed, lost, captivated, covered, surrounded, infatuated, enraptured, enthralled, drowning, however you want to say it..

I just want to be so lost in Jesus..

to be so utterly lost

I just can't contain myself..

honestly though.. where else is there to be?

i just.. ugh.. i don't know what to say.. i don't know what this has to do with anything or why i'm even writing this.. i just.. i dunno.. i need to go..

Father.. I want you.. more and more.. I just want you.. Jesus let me get lost in you.. take me deeper.. Father be my romance... be my first love.. I want you.