Searching for.. truth.. or lies?

I'm not satisfied with what I know, and what I believe... my mind just doesn't stop... I have to find more.. my life is so boring and all these facts are so dead... there must be more... tonight I was driving home.. and I had those same thoughts and feelings about death.. and I just thought.. well.. if there is nothing after life.. it just doesn't matter.. nobody will care.. and I won't be around to complain about it. Then it was like this weird.. calm came over me but now that I think about it... there must be more.. otherwise.. life definantly has no purpose.. whats the point of continuing? So I've decided to go on.. in pursuit of Heaven... I remember being prophesied over... they said I was going to visit Heaven and see angels.. twice that's been said to me actually.. that my decernment would increase and I'd be seeing deep into the spiritual realm.. I've always thought I had to like prove myself in order for that to happen and all this other stuff.. but I really just think it's on Gods timing and I really should stop worrying about it.. like who wants to see demons anyways? My darn discernment already has me scared of the dark... I guess I need to get that straightend out.. I shouldn't be fearful..... guys.. it's been so long since I've heard from my Dad.. it's been so long since I've drawn.. or danced.. heck I haven't read my bible for awhile.. like a couple weeks... It's all seeming to fall apart.. I pray that Jesus starts putting it back together..

Eliza..

I just don't know anymore..

things aren't okay. I don't know what to think.. I'm restless and broken and growing more apathetic every single day.. I want so desperately to be free of this mundane routine and this hollow life and I so desperately want to wake up and live.. but I'm just not.. and I don't understand why...

Sleep is so foreign....

I haven't slept for more than two hours for the last three days.. I think I'm becomming an insomniac.. I dunno.

Eliza

Apathy

Today was the most apathetic day of my life, I'm sure someone could have told me that like... my mom just died and I probably would've said "oh... that sucks" and yea... it's not cool. so far today I ditched a lot of school...got a note from my one friend about this boy and it's hard to find words to say.. like I've gone through such similiar circumstances.. and i just dont even know... left school hung out with my friend Tarina... then i went with a friend and made fun of people at the mall.. went to work early.. only to have my one friend show up crying because of all this stuff and being forgotten by her sister and so I took her home went back to work and got all bitter and angry.. left work to go to BP's to hang out with Delia and Tarina and Sarah and Jared.. picked up my friend Jessica.. went out looking for a party instead found my one friend in her car breaking up with her boyfriend because of stupid rumours started by this one chick who I'm supposedly going to be in a fight with? and then I came home to write this.. an hour after I was supposed to be home. o.O the excitement of my life.

Eliza

Late nights..

Lately... I've been up till like 2 in the morning.. and I don't know why.. All I know is that I'm so tired, but I can't sleep.. it feels like I should be doing something but I don't know what..



I think I'm gettin attacked.. I'm not sure though.. There are these nights.. when I'm lying in bed.. and I'll start thinking about death.. and like.. I start doubting Heaven and then it's like.. the worst feelings i've ever felt come and it's like this sick nothing-ness that all that happens is we live and we die, we end. and it's like this feeling in my stomach and it's like i get sick.. and i feel like puking and i ache and theres this sick dread and fear and i like have a panic attack and freak out in my mind and all i see is black... and it's so wretched.. i can't even explain.. and i'm left cold and in doubt.. and i force myself to stop thinking cry out to my Father and fall asleep.. it's scary..

I haven't done a drawing since october... i miss drawing..

And I've got every reason to be here again... a Fathers love.. it draws me in.. and all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You... all I need is You..

Eliza Jane Zachary Halter

what to do..

I'm so restless... this is becomming ridiculious..

Some will seek forgiveness..

I heard a voice through the discord
Of A deluge of passersby
I saw one gaze frozen in time
Watching me passing by

I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud
When your whispering

Hey unfaithful I will teach you to be stronger.
Hey ungraceful I will teach you to forgive one another.

Here's my kiss to betray
Desperate to brush the lips of grace
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied?

Oh sweet angel of mercy,
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me...

Hey unfaithful I will teach you to be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you to forgive one another
Hey unloving I will love you.

Jesus I'm ready to come home..





Father I feel like I've been glancing away... not keeping my eyes on you and slowly wandering off course.. Father so many days I've been finding doubt within my heart... Father.. teach me... Father.. hold me up... Father help me make my choice everyday, everynight, every hour, minute, second.. every breath.. help me make my choice to be in You.. Daddy... I'm so desperate for you.. it seems like I can't find you.. Father teach me to hear you, see you.. Daddy I'm ready to go further, Father I love you.. I mess up, I fail.. my love isn't perfect.. but when it all falls down.. I love you, and nothing else. I want you.

Eliza Jane Zachary Halter

And it just keeps on going...

Last night a murder ocured. The girl that was shot/killed was best friends with my brothers girlfriend and all of her friends/my friends.. so tonight after work I went over to my bro's g/f's (Lindsey is her name) mom's house and sat around watching them all drink and cry and laugh and cry and cry and yell.. It was just so sad.. Apperantly the boyfriend shot the girl because she was trying to leave him.. but the police have no proof of motive because the only people the girl talked to was the boyfriend because he wouldn't allow her to talk to anyone else and the only people at their place when it happend was the boyfriend, his mom, and the girl. Tomorrow they are all going in to give statements about what this guy was like... and so i just got home from driving drunks around to home and then taking one to see a friend and then home... she was/is friends with this one girl named Melissa who is an ex coke head/prostitute and she now goes to bible school and apperantly i was her inspiration to get off coke and stuff.. it was neat.. i'm so tired.

today was stupid. But Jesus is good.

Eliza

transatlanticism

Ever feel stale? Every get those looming feelings that everything is worthless? I know I sure do.. those times of doubt.. those times of fear... those nights when your lying in your bed at 2am and you're in a panic... just because you can't find Him? Those nights are becoming more of a reality to me... But it feels like this distance is farther than ever before. Odd thing is.. there is no distance... the One I'm looking for is right here. He's never left.. But I am certainly forgetting what it is to walk in that.


Eliza Jane

.....

Ever talk with people.. and it's like about life.. and everything that they are struggling with is something you've just walked through? My one friend, she moved away and all this stuff happened.. she got raped.. and then this guy shows up and plays church and stuff and it only ends up in him using her and having sex and him moving away and then all of this other stuff. And it's so weird, right after this conversation we go out with youth for coffee at mcd's and the satanists dad walks in... awkward. I don't know.. now that I think about it.. this issue hasn't been dealt with. I still wake up in the night cold with dreams in my head about those nights. I find myself looking at people I know who are virgins and finding jealousy coursing through my veins. Sure, I know all the truths. "O Eliza you are made new every day, O Eliza you're perfect in Gods eyes, O Eliza you've been made new, so you're a virgin still." Whatever. Can you imagine sitting down with the guy you're going to marry and be like "yeah.. when I was little I was abused and when I was 16 I thought I was worthless and that since I was abused that it was nothing anymore, so I had sex with this guy who just ended up using me and then I was drunk one night and slept with my youth pastors brother in law..sorry."
hoorah. Won't that just be a peachy keen conversation?! I still have those creeping thoughts that try telling me that I'm a slut, a skanky whore, that I'm broken and useless, that I've been robbed and now I'm worthless. Almost everyday I find myself regretting what I've done. Every time I see Michael in the halls at my school it's like somethings missing and he has this little piece of me... thats he's kicking it around, and flaunting it right in front of me. Because everybody knows that Eliza's "easy" and everybody knows that she's broken and everybody knows that if you get her drunk enough she'll sleep with you for sure. She's not a christian, she's had sex, look at her.. pfft we all know what she's done.
But His mercies are new everymorning and He's constantly looking at me with admiration and love and He thinks I'm beautiful and pure and good. So why should everything else matter?!


I don't know why.. but it does.. and it kills. fuck.

...eliza.

Insomniacs are the coolest kids in cool town.

These bad days just won't stop, and to top it off, this past weekend I only got.... oooo lets say... 6ish hours of sleep? yea. like four friday night and 2 saturday night, yaaaaayyy.. work sucks so horribly bad. on thursday my hand got stuck in the cheese grater and part of my index finger/nail is gone. it's pretty rowdy. and then on friday i got crap from all of my teachers because i was incapable to write. and then at work i got laughed at and then on saturday i got up at 8 and drove to s'toon in my bro's g/f's car (standard 95 neon woot woo) saw Kirstie (honestly the only good part of my weekend.) came home, went to work at five, left work at 1am. the roads were deadly slippery and so i went to my brothers only to get to bed at like 6ish... 7ish.. to wake up at 10 and go to church where i did get to see some awesome fgbc'ers, so that was alright. then i go to work and i get crap from my boss for being slow and he's like "blah why did i have to come in and finish your shift for you last night?!" and i was like "what?! I did everything I was supposed to do, I got everything ready for Tom to make more dough and Sandy even showed up to help him. Then Tom told me to go home." and my boss was like "o.." and then he gave me crap for being a 'slow worker' sooorrry, i just you know, like doing my job right. frick. and then i got to grate cheese and this one girl i don't like says to me "don't grate your hand this time heehee" and frick i was so angry. tomorrow my parents are dragging me to Sylvan learning center for math help, I definantly feel stupid. A) repeating Math 10. B)getting dragged to get help from Sylvan C)I have like a 50 in my math class. so.. everyday.. I've just been getting so frustrated and tired and stressed out.. and everday it ends the same.. me just getting this retarded Joy out of nowhere and laughing at myself and honestly God's just ridiculiously good. even with everything being stupid around me Jesus is still good. plus today Marrisa Moccasin moved back to town.

blah.
Eliza