Deliver me...

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing

Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

I don't know what to do.. I feel so lost.. Things were heavy.. and I was blind.. and I failed.. and I'm not sure what to do now.. last year... whenever I 'effed up' I just took it out on myself.. either with a knife or with alcohol or with drugs or by letting myself be used.. and now.. I just don't know what to do.. Do I just.. pick myself back up and continue on like nothing happened? Do I just.. keep on walking? How do I forgive myself? How do I get others to forgive me? What do I do? I feel so lost..


Eliza

The smoking gun...

So... on wednesday... I.. had a couple ciggarettes.. and a couple drags... at coffee last night.. my throat is sore.. and all I can think about are those little sticks of tobacco... like... ugh they were soo good.. I've wanted one for so long and then I just gave in because I was like "hey I'm at a concert.. why not?" Biggest mistake ever.. but... ugh.. it was so good.. plus everyone I know basically... smokes... but Shanni's a good friend and is not letting me.i have to go shower.
peace.

Dancing with Randy....

Last night I stayed at my brothers place.. woke up.. and went to church.. man it was so good. It was about unlocking your potential.. so.. after church we had dance practice... we had to start while people were still being all chatty up in the sanctuary.. so I just told the girls to go find a place to worship, and I turned on the cd player.. so after about ten minutes most of the people cleared out.. except for this one guy who came up to the front and just layed on his face.. a little while later I look over to see him break dancing.. this guy is like.. 30.. and in not very good shape.. but he was busting out in windmills and hand stands and these sweet stalls. So dance practice is from 1 - 3.. but the co-leader and myself felt that Jesus wanted us to just keep on worshipping.. so.. from 1-2:30 we just worshiped.. it was so amazing.. so I'm sitting talking with one of the girls on the team about life and stuff and Sharayah walks up with this man and says "he wants to pray with us" and so I say 'sure'.. His name was Randy and he is from kelowna.. originally from here, down visiting his mom in the hospital.. and this guy is pretty much drunk in the spirit.. and he starts prophecying over Sharayah and I.. the stuff he told me was not only a continuation of the words spoken over me last week, but also so much more.. and most of what he said was direct from the scriptures which was really neat.. and he was saying things like me being a bright fire in the deepest darks and that when I worshipped it was like the sweetest incense to God.. another thing was that I was about to be walking in the gift of prophecy.. and evangelism like never before.. that there would be fire constantly pouring out of my mouth and my tongue would be sharper than a double-edged sword.. he said a lot of other things too.. and we got to pray for him and then he asked us if he could pray for the girls and so we said 'sure' and it was really neat.. so encouraging.. and then with ten minutes left we taught like five seconds of the dance. packed'er up and went home. such a good time.

baaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh finals!!!! please pray for me lol...
peace,
Eliza-Jane

Today wasn't happy.. thats for sure.

Today wasn't a good'er.. I'm not exactly sure why.. I slept in.. got to class late.. ended up being further behind in my final project for the class... go to art.. to have things go horribly... go over to my bro's to hang with Shanni only to barely avoid an accident.. too late to go to math.. bio was a waste.. computer science... i got my program finished.. but it doesn't work completely right.. go over to my bro's only to find Shannon has her sisters kid and so we have to wait for her mom and sister to pick up James so we can leave.. only to find that Shannons dad didn't put money into her bank account for her so we went over to my grandma's to visit with my auntie and cousins.. only to be ridiculed the entire time.. went back to my brothers to find out that my brother bought a pack of smokes today (first pack in three months.) I was so angry I just couldn't even look at him, I just got up and went upstairs.. Shannon fought with Mitch.. and we went out to get gas and stuff.. and through it all I was just sad. yes, there was good moments today.. but I'm not in the optimistic mood today.

I find I'm lacking purpose,
and what am I supposed to do when a thousand words.. just isn't enough?

Eliza-Jane

No I don't think I believe in sleep...

I've turned into an insomniac again.. it's not good and I keep missing school because of it.

why am I so easily struck down by apathy? it's ridiculious...

peace,
Eliza

Last Day..

Today was my last day of work... This Friday is my last day of classes for this term... Next Friday is my last day at the comp..... Holy Frick... It's so much change.

I'm so nervous.
Yesterday I was walking around the halls of JPII and man.. It seems so different than being at the comp.. It's probably because I only know .8% of the kids at JP.. I've never really been nervous about going to school before... even when I was switching from elementary to the Comp.. O well I guess this is just God stretching me even further right?

But I guess with every 'last' there comes a 'first' right?


So I have this one friend.. She's actually pretty much my best friend. Her life has been so effed up. Her parents have either been constantly walking out the door for long periods of time.. or on drinking binges.. she's currently living with my brother and his girlfriend, her sister lives by herself with her kid, her mom is now a lesbian and her dad just works to support her and her sister and her sisters kid and drinks and smokes pot all the time.. and she was telling me that though she looks happy.. she really just hates herself and her life.. and I don't know what I can do for her. I want to see her have joy.. so bad. I want to see her family whole.. I love this girl so much. It breaks my heart to see her so sad. And it's ridiculious because I absolutely suck at giving advice/counselling.. lol.. but hey I guess who cares about what I have to say I should be giving her God's love right? It's weird.. I can share God's love with anyone.. except people I'm really close too.


I dunno.

peace,
Eliza-Jane.

Something old.. something new.. but me.. I'm feeling kinda blue.

I stayed the weekend at my brothers place because my parents were gone away for the weekend to Regina.. It was fun. I learned how to play the digerydoo.. (sp?) lol and the bongos.. and the tongue drum.. and some guitar.. a bit of drums.. but I wasn't courageous enough to take on the saxophone.. lol this guy who lives at my bro's place (also dating my best bud Shanni) has every musical thing ever. lol he even plays the harmonica really good. Moving on with what I really want to post about though... lol..
Today I went to church not expecting anything. But God definantly had something for me lol... So I'm sitting there.. Trevor just read the announcements we prayed for these people who were leaving the congregation to go to new zealand... and then Carla (Pastor Trevors wife..) calls me up... and I'm thinking "BAAAHHHHHHAHSFIOSDH GLJDFG what the heck is going on?!" and she says "Eliza, usually I don't do this infront of the congregation but I feel like I need to this time.. so that the whole church can hold you accountable" and I'm thinking "o my goodness.. what is she about to say?" and she looks me in the eye and says "Eliza during worship God laid something on my heart for you and this is what it is, Eliza you may be being attacked by confusion, in emotions and in thought, but you know what, all you need to do is get into worship, into His presence, because when you do that, things turn right, and you know that. You may feel like you're not able to trust your emotions or your thoughts at times, but you can trust in Him. And has he got a calling on your life girl, you were made for leadership, and the more you go to Him to lay down your confusion, the more He will use you to lead this generation through the confusion this generation is suffering from. You're got leadership written all over you." Those aren't her exact words, but that's the jist of it at least.. and I'm standing there listening to this thinking 'o my goodness.. this is so right on.' like it was confirmation for a couple things and then like reassurance and some were words I really needed to hear. After church another four people came up to me and were telling me basically the same thing that "God was laying that on my heart for you aswell, and by gosh if someone didn't get up there and tell you it.. I was going too!" lol... and then... I started teaching the girls the dance for mogul mania. It's going to be awesome. I'm so excited.

peace,
Eliza-Jane

EXTRA EXTRA!!!

So Mj This one I'm thinking has something to do with you... lol..
Today I decided to change schools... I've decided to ditch the Comp and go to John Paul II... it's a fresh-ish new-ish start.. new people and new scenarios... I already know a few people who go there.. but.. I was talking to my one friend and she was telling me about the school and all of this stuff.. and I think I'm gonna do it.. I'm also probably getting a new job at Maple Leaf being a janitor.. making $$8.90 an hour!! get paid every week... it should be sweet.. this way i'll be able to take like.. 80$$ and put it away every week to save up for S.I.. I really want to go on the Australia team.. So I came out with my little hobby and my Art 20 teacher wants to get me hooked up with the local gallery to display some stuff maybe... pretty crazy.. That's pretty much it.. erm.. yea. lol..

peace out,
Eliza-Jane

Link To Some pic's I took..

Msn Photo Albums

CRACK!!!

So.. lately Satans been a jerk and is trying to give me chances and excuses to just you know have that one smoke.. or just have that one drink or just take a couple drugs.. ex #1 My friend Shannons birthday.. everybody was drinking and Shannon and Lindsey were doing shrooms.. and those are the drugs I love.. but I was like "EFF THAT!!!" and then today I lost my job.. I'm not too depressed about it.. I was going to quit soon anyways.. but I just started thinking about how good it would be to get real drunk and reaaallll high... and my friend left her smoke in my car complete with lighter... so tempting... but instead i just put on this worship cd i had in my car and let loose it was fun. I think I'm looking forward to fasting from this box.. it should be really good.. also really hard because I definantly don't know what I'm going to do with all of my spare time seeming as how I lost my job.. but.. it'll be okay.. I really hope I get some ideas for drawing soon... I really want to start that again..

peace,
Eliza

Party Time!!

I think I'm going to go on a fast from the internet/computer.. the only thing I'm allowing would be use for school or for this blog and check email once a week.

wish me luck.


Eliza

Taking off my shoes..

I’ll take off my shoes, I’m coming in,
Untie this rope, I’m staying with him,
Love of my life, I’ll live and die,
Just for the moments for my king and I.

Why did you call, why did you wait,
For someone so guilty, someone so fake.
There are no words for my beautiful song,
Now I’m in the arms of my beautiful one.

Hold me, blow all the pride from my bones,
With your fire.
Hold me, breathe on this heart made of stone,
Keep it pure.
Hold me, saviour of heaven and earth,
King forever.
Hold me, love of my life lead me on,
Through the fire, lead me on...

I’ll take off this crown and fall at your feet,
The secret of joy are the moments we meet.
How could a man with all of your fame,
Pull me from darkness and call me by name.

So hold me today, as I carry your cross,
Into the desert to find who is lost.
Look at my hands, they’re still full of faith,
God keep them clean till we finish the race.


Father.. I'm at a loss.... I don't know what to do.. God I desire to walk in Your ways.. but.. I so often walk away from this desire.. to follow ones that pull on my flesh.. why?! why do I do these things? Father.. this year is yours.. Father the only resolution I have.. is to be more like You.. what else is there?! It seems like I'm getting off to a bad start.. Dad.. circumcise my heart.. take me by the hand.. whisper in my ears.. and help me listen.. keep me in line God.. Father let this year be full of romance between us.. I want to know You.. I want to be so entwined with You... make Yourself known to my thoughts every second of ever hour of every day Lord.. keep me accountable to You.. let Your word be hidden in my heart..

Eliza-Jane

Voltage

O my goodness.. this has been the weirdest three days of my life. So we'll start on the 29th.. So I'm planning on attending Voltage and things are working out for the most part... w.e. Then I find out.. I have no car and no ride to moose jaw.. me = freaking the heck out... then the 30th happened.. I wake up at 10 to the sound of Jane's voice over the telephone telling me that I have a ride from s'toon to Moose Jaw and that I just don't have a ride home.. So.. I was like 'heck yes i'll be there'... so I do some stuff.. and go over to Delia's to chill with Jane (Delia was out snowboarding) and then we were like "o... well how are you getting to s'toon?" and I was like 'hey.. i don't know!!!" So we wait for Delia to get back and she was getting a ride with her uncle who now couldn't drive because of injuring himself.. Then Jane left to S'toon in this one ride that had no room for us and I was there with Delia and I'm like "how about I phone my bro and we'll just give him gas money and we'll go to s'toon that way".. So I'm on the phone with Tyler and he agreed too and I go into Delia's room to find her stressing out because she's worried about inconvienceing me and that I was just doing this for her because she wanted to see Renee' and stuff.. and I was like "no no no don't be ridiculious I've got things to do in s'toon blah blah blah" but the truth is I was just doing this for her because she was extrememly stressed out about getting to s'toon.. bahahah we just won't tell her. The only real down of it was me not being able to see my family on my birthday.. but i'm okay with that.. and I didn't get any presents.. but it's okay because I got to bless my friend instead.. so on the 30th.. i read poetry discovered the awesome-ness of the word 'piss' and watched most of season two of Corner Gas.. went to bed at like.. 6..am... woke up at 9:30.. got pounced on.. got my lip smashed open.. and left for moosejaw at 2pm. So it's my birthday.. the 31st.. I play three hours worth of cards.. I go to Voltage I see lots of people It's pretty much the best birthday ever and did all this stuff and stuff.. and I saw Ashley N for like.. three seconds before she disappeared. (Side note for Ashley : You suck.. just leaves without saying good bye when you clearly promised you would.. man next time i see you.. you're in for it... but i love you) Basically I saw all these people that I love so much.. so therefore it was the best birthday ever. Mary Joy Nelson.. you are amazing. where would I be with out you? probably still in moose jaw. the only worst parts were when i had to say goodbye to everyone.. So.. it's the first. Conrad Sparks comes and retrieves me from MJ's Grandma's house.. (yes MJ you were right, he is extremely good looking.. and so was the boy in the back seat lol) So we have a good ol' time riding to s'toon.. and I get to s'toon at 1:30 problem the next bus to Nb is... at 5:30... I start work.. at 4:00 pm So my dad called and told them I was stranded. So.. I get dropped off at the mall in S'toon.. turns out only the Bay is open.. so I wander around there.. walk to the depot and ditch my stuff in a locker and make a few phone calls... absolutely no one is home. So I hang up.. (side note: as I'm walking back I was praying and I was like "Jesus you should hook me up with someone in the depot") And I turn around to see this man and he's like "Hi, I'm Chad.. what bus are you on?" and I was like "the 5:30 bus to NB" and he was like "Neat, so am I... well.. it's only 2:30ish.. and you seem just as bored as me.. wanna go play a round of pool?" and I said "Sure, why the heck not?!" So we walk down the street.. to this bar/pool hall. Turns out this guy is like.. 23..24? and thinks I'm 20.. So we get to this bar.. and I'm thinking "holy crap I'm going to get kicked out" but I never and we sit down at this stupid little electric game and this guy is so perverted. He picks all the games that have to do with sex and stuff (at the begining of the screen you can pick between like sports cards and others along with one called 'erotic') so he picks this one.. and I'm like 'w.e. he's paying for it' turns out I'm really good a sex trivia. Whether I should be proud of this.. I'm not sure. So after this we go and play a round of pool and he's trying to like molest me and i'm like 'back off buddy, the next guy i kiss is the guy i marry' and he backs off and then it's like 4:30 and we walk back to the depot.. we get there and he finds his buddies that he lost the night before and ditches me for them and i'm thinking to myself "Praise Jesus" So.. I'm sitting there being a loner.. finally the bus is ready to be boarded and I get on and I sit near the back thinking 'yes.. it'll be quiet.. dark.. i can finally sleep".. was I ever wrong. So two rows behind me.. sits these triple A hockey jocks and then this guy walks on and he's all g-unit big tough lookin guy and his one eye is purple swollen shut and has stitches. (aka mr. Shiner) and Mr Shiner sits in the very back of the bus (which happens to be right behind the hockey jocks) then Mr.Chad walks on and sits next to Mr. Shiner.. and w.e. they converse and they start talking with the hockey jocks.. and then we're out on the highway... when outta nowhere there's like this annoying light.. and I hear this soft moaning.. and look through the crack of my seat to see Mr. Shiner with his DVD playing watching porn with these guys and they start commentating and rating these girls.... So I can't sleep because all I hear is moaning and these stupid pervert face guys. w.e. So I'm semi-asleep when they start talking about their careers.. Mr. Chad works for some big factory.. the hockey jocks.. play hockey.. and Mr Shiner.. is a lacky!!! He's the man the drug lord calls on to beat the living piss out of people who don't pay up for their crack.. and it turns out.. Mr. Chad and Mr. Shiner are CRACK HEADS!!!! yaaaaaaaaayyyyy!!!! So.. I get home.. off the buss... get picked up.. and taken to work.. where I find out that my boss was going to pay for my ticket home and not only that but he was very nice to me and just made me finish off the shift I was supposed to work and stuff.. Praise Jesus. Now It's 1:33 Am and I still have not slept... So I think I'm going to go and read my Bible and try... so yea.. thats my life.. today I've learned not to go to the bar with random 23 yr old men who smell of old booze.

Eliza-Jane