..And that is why drinking is for losers.

Last night I was the DD for my friend Megans party. I was sick, it was cold, and the fire was smoking a lot. I'm now sick-er. I sound like a man my throat is so raspy. So remember my little blurb about my friend Kayla and her boyfriend Ashton? Well, she broke up with him like two weeks ago. For his best friend (Brandon) and Megan, likes Ashton, and Kim (Kayla's best friend) likes Brandon aswell. Kayla knew this, and so Kim's mad at Kayla. And Megan is now dating Ashton I guess. So last night.. Megan was laying on the ground with Ashton making out, Kim was flirting with Brandon, while Kayla was passed out in the camper. I leave. I guess later Megan walks into the camper to see Kayla on top of Brandon in bed together with their pants on the floor. But they are famous for their over exagerations. So tonight, I was out egging random cars with Amanda, and I guess Kayla was trying to get ahold of me all night... and in the meantime, Kim Megan and Ashton are at a friends place drinking, so Amanda and I stop by, only to hear the most recent story of Kayla and Brandon, and then to hear them insult Kayla. That's when my heart hit the floor and shattered to a million pieces so I left. Because I'm sure they don't know anything about the matter. How it happened, why it happened, the factors involved. Because lets face it, they've never been in the position where they are severly drunk and alone with the guy they like. I have, things ended up severly bad, and I feel so bad for Kayla. I came home to a message on msn telling me that no matter what I was to retrieve her in the morning and take her to church with me.. which is real good.... but.. I'm so sad..o Jesus.. I don't know what to do.


-ninja e-

Y(to the)L(to the)C Part 2

YLC, was reallll good. Jesus=amazing. It felt really good to get away from all of this poo thats happening and spend a weekend surrounded by people who love Jesus and to just learn more about Him. Seeing people from S.I. was so great. I learned sooo much. My favorite class was either Scott Fancis' or Steve Huhns. Scott's was about becoming a leader and what it takes, Steves was about authority and how it's time we proclaim the gospel again and that God's plan for us is huge. God revealed stuff to me and made me excited for the plans He has before me. I don't really tell to many people my future dreams, mostly because I wasn't too sure if they were correct.. but I believe that they are right. Like, I wish to go and do the two and two thing with LifeForce and FGBC and then do a bit more through FGBC and become a youth pastor and go to Spain for a bit to do missions work, and then I don't even know where, but get hired at a church as a youth pastor and work with youth and jazz like that. And now, I'm excited for these things. I never really used to be. But thats later, not now. I feel refreshed and I feel more knowledgable and equipped (I guess thats the right word) of how to better deal with things back at North B. While I was in Calgary I got my industrial re-done and I also met a lot of cool people, during supper on saturday I had no money and didn't want to go to B.Ps or w.e. so I bought a sandwhich from Mac's and sat around the park on 17th and chatted it up with this guy who was busking with a big huge bass, He was real cool, his name was Steve, He had a green mowhawk and his nose was stretched and so were his ears, he was all tattooed to. I chatted with a few other people, and then I ran into the in-famous Anny Rowe. We went out and had some tea, I told her my testimony and stuff and we chatted about life, it was awesome. (Hey Ash, you should give her the addy for this. plz) The services were real good. And I drew a lil' picture (posted below.) I had a real good time. And I loved seeing everybody. It was an awesome weekend.
Ninja E

Y to the L to the C

Gone to YLC (young leaders conferance) in calgary for the weekend. shall be a shing dig. guys, Jesus is soooo good.

...Keys, Cars and Those Darn Nazis.frick

Today constable Chillog called me to his office (he works in the school) and asked if I keyed the nazis car. It wasn't me.. but it was my keys. but I didn't tell him that. But I did tell him who did it. And the school might suspend me for calling her a nazi, even though she self professed it about herself. Apperantly she phoned my friend Amanda and told her that "If Eliza touches my fucking car again I'll press charges. Tell her she has nothing to do with this." And Amanda was like "Well she does now because of you." and the nazi says back "I didn't say anything to her." ER. wrong. Today when I was in Chillogs office I told him about the conversation. Even the part of them making fun of me for being abused. And he said that it wasn't in his hands, and I'd have to take it to the school board.. when they called me to the office to suspend me. They haven't called me yet... And I.. just can't wait to be gone this weekend. A break from all the drama. My one friend Kayla dumped her three month boyfriend, and likes his best friend, whom Kim likes, so Kim hates Kayla, and Megan sided with Kim, and I don't really care, but I started to when I sat beside Kayla in comp sci. while she started crying because of it. I told her a long time ago to break up with him. Apperantly he treated her not good. I'm gonna have to injure him. But now Megan likes him. It's all so gay. Even though I want so badly for a special guy in my life right now, I'm praising Jesus for not having me in that kind of relationship. Because I definantly couldn't handle any of that. But I'm going to go draw I think. later.

Ninja E

..Perservering is hard work...... Who knew?

So, last night on msn my friend Amanda was talking to the nazi and the nazis cousin (aka stupid whore face.)And these people are so horrible, all they could say to me was that I was a stupid failure a loser and stupid anarchist punk and they kept on rating whatever I said out of 10.. and it was usually like a one or a two.. and all this stuff. And they kept on saying I was a nobody who would never get out of north battleford and end up like my brother, and work at Mcdonalds all my life. All of these things a year ago, is exactly what I thought about myself. That I was a stupid failure, that I would end up exactly like my brother. But I'm confident that I will be a success through Jesus. And they kept on saying that they were better than me (well the stupid cousin) because she had a car and lived on her own and made 15.50 an hour.. and I was like "well first, you're older than me, plus you're in calgary, and most people i know in alberta make about that wage, and besides, money isn't everything" and she was all stupid and was like "whatever leech, try moving out and saying that" and I asked her how old she was when she moved out of her parents house and she said "17" and I was like "Well I'm only 16." and that kinda shut her up. And so this one time at Youth I shared my testimony and my ex Michael was there and he told the nazi that my brother abused me. And so nazi and stupid whore face start making fun of me because I was abused. And the nazi was like "were you really abused? and did Jesus really save you?" and then the conversation ended. And I cried for a real long time. And against everything in my mind, I felt an urge to pray for these jerks. So I did. hardest thing of my life, even harder than washing this guy's feet (Zac) that I know. And then I just cried more.. read my bible and went to bed, but I've just felt like crap since. I've been so angry and so broken and sad. And I just want a real good hug. But everyone I talk to doesn't get it. And no one is up for this hug thing. damn. I dunno what to do..

..Nazis'..Eggs.. and drug dealers?

So everyone remember that "wal-mart incident" well turns out my one "friend" Mellisa was the one who told Will Katzel that we would actually steal it, and therefore ratted us out. Plus I since found out she's a nazi. And let's face it, Nazis.. are stupid, and deserve to be.. shot, hung from a tree, and bled dry. I mean.. yea... no thats what I meant. So last night I was over at my brothers house, and my friend Amanda came over.. and I was talking to Tyler and he says he's going to start dealing E in town. And then I was like damn. So then Amanda informs me that this Mellisa chick doesn't like my brother or I because we are "anarchist punk kids who hate nazis" and I was like "well yea." and so when Amanda took me home we egged her car. End Of Story.

I've got to go to work now.

This has been;
Ninja E

..Oh those glorious cravings...

So I've been working like a dog. Every night this past week except for Tuesday I've been working. I haven't had time for anything, and I've been cut back on my Jesus time. But what I haven't cut back on is those horrid cravings, every single day of my life, I think to myself at least twice "O man it would be so nice to have a smoke right now.." Especially during work, because whenever I was stressed or I did something time consuming and draining I'd reward/relax myself with a ciggarette. Heck one day I was even thinking a real cold beer for after work would be sooo good... and personally I think beer tastes like cow urine. Except for Rickards Red.... that tastes moderatly better. but still like urine, ew. And hey lets face it, these cravings are ridiculious, because in reality, all I need is Jesus. He doesn't make me sick, He doesn't cost me money, and He is the ultimate satisfaction. So, Jesus helped me quit smoking and drinking. So I figure, part of quitting is giving up the cravings aswell. So, I've decided that everytime a little stupid cravings come along I'm going to take it, rebuke it, and ask for a craving and a desperation for what I really need, and that, would be Jesus. So since I still don't have any accountability here at home, I'm asking for you guys who agreed to do this over email and jazz to try and hold me accountable. Because I believe part of being like Jesus is craving nothing but the Father.. and I want to be like Jesus.. so this is something I have to grow in... word. thanks.
love,
Ninja E

Yes my dear, Apathy is my best quality.

Man I'm so tired. This whole having to do actual work thing, just isn't cool. I think this is the first job I've had where I actually have to do real work. it's just weird. It's real cool though because the cut off date is this saturday sooo next friday I get paid around 148$$$ Which means, I'll for surely be able to go to YLC. nothing really new or life changing has occured really.. just the same crap.. differant day. oooh the complacency. So, I was chatting with that guy I call a youth pastor.. but. He had to go, and we didn't get to set up another date. And we really only talked for five seconds. But I really don't want to talk to him because I really don't like him. But there's all this stupid crap going on. It's so ridiculious. Ever have those times where you think you've dealt with poo in your life, but really you just "swept it under the rug"... and then something happens where it all comes back to you and you're like "whoah, i sooo didn't deal with this" and then it hangs over you at all times like an effin burden? yup thats been my life for the past little while.. but alas I don't know what to do. I was conversing with my one friend yesterday and she said that I needed to "let go and let God"... I wish there was an easy to follow step by step booklet or something. Because I don't know what to do, like a while back that's all I heard. And whenever someone said that to me I'd think "yea.. if only I knew, if only it was that simple." It's always so hard for me because I've lived so long with pain, that I'm not sure who I'll be when it's not there and it's all ridiculious. But I'm sick of this pain. I'm sick of these memories that plague me and I hate the way it makes me feel, how when it comes to mind I want to puke... or to just sit in the bottom of the hottest shower trying to get clean.. trying to wipe away the scars and the memories. I hate it.

uncomfortable

So, I messed up real good. I went out tonight with my friend Shannon.. and the dog ended up poo'ing in the house, SO what do we do? Put it in a paper bag of course. What do I do? Convince Shannon it would be hillarious if we set it on fire on someones doorstep of course. So we plan it for my friend Amandas doorstep. It's cement, her house is covered in brick/cement, and it just rained out, nothing would start on fire, fo sho. So we go, and we commit our devious act. Turns out the neighbors saw this devious act, got my car and the last three digits on my plate. So the cops are looking for me. And tomorrow my parents are going to get pulled over by the cops and questioned. And I in turn will be maimed and hung upside down in the garage and skinned alive. (They really did used to threaten me with that.) But in reality I will be grounded, not able to drive the car and quite possibly have to quit my job that I just started and not be able to go to Calgary for YLC. So right now, Amanda is on the phone with the cops explaining to them that it was just some of her silly friends trying to pull a prank on her for the one she pulled on them. And I in turn am pushed into relying on the grace of God. Completely and utterly in His arms and powerless. I feel so scared.


O God, I need you so much right now, Jesus, please let your peace and assurance that this is in your hands wash over me right now. Daddy I'm so fricken scared right now. Daddy please take care of this and pour out your grace and compassion on the police officers who are dealing with this, Jesus give them an understanding that it was just a little joke played on a friend and that they themselves obviously have done something similiar. Daddy please let this all just blow over and let everything end up right. I don't know what "right" is.. but Daddy let things be it. O Father, I don't know what to do.. but my eyes are on you. Please help me out of this Dad. I love you.

Family Pizza.

So, I got a job at Family Pizza. I worked for the first time tonight. Two hours of overloading my brain and unfolding papers so that they could be stapled to the boxes. And answer the two calls. Yea.. I talked to Jesus about jobs wednsday afternoon, made resume's, went out applying, an hour after I handed mine in at Family Pizza, I got a call from Derrick (boss man), interview thursday, work today. Moral of the story is: God is SOOOOOO good.
So yea, I now cook pizzas.

Praise Jesus.
(I really badly needed a job.)


Ninja E

These are the hopes I profess..

So I've decided.. to find verses that i found encouraging and to post them on here.. so that i don't just read them.. i actually have to take time with each one and think about them.. besides.. these verses.. are things i desperately want either to say, or to be confident in.

Job 13:15
Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him; I will surely defend my ways to His face.
17:9
Nevertheless, the righteous will hold to their ways, and those with clean hands will grow stronger.

Psalms 118 6-7 + 13-14
The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me; He is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies.
I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my stregnth and my song He has become my salvation.
129:4
But the Lord is righteous; He has cut me free from the cords of the wicked.

Proverbs 23:18
There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.
24:16
For though the righteous falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity.

Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, Because the Lord has annointed me to preach the good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lords favor....and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes and a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness a planting for the Lord for the display of His splendor.

Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not dissapoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whome He has given us.

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.
10:35-36
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to perservere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised.

Revelations 7:17
For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their Sheperd; He will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

......._______________(insert scream)

Honest, I don't know what to really do. For the past couple nights... it's been so bad. I've tried so hard to ignore it and focus on Jesus.. it's just so overwhelming, it feels like I can't do anything about it.. when I'm alone and I've got nothing else to think about.. this thought, this need, this want, to just grab a knife and hurt myself comes.. and it's so overwhelming. I can see it in my mind, I can hear it.. heck I can almost feel it. It seems like if I give in.. and do it.. such a release will come and such a expulsion of all the anger and pain. That if I give in it would be like a state of complete ecstasy.. last night I was sitting in my room and I had this razor sitting beside me.. and my mind just said "grab it, cut yourself now." and I freaked out.. and I grabbed it.. and threw it across the room and I left my house. I can't handle this. And the truth is.. it seems like I haven't heard Jesus for a real long time.. and it feels like He never gives me an answer when I need one.. sure the truth is He speaks all these differant ways and He's right here with me and sometimes we don't get the answers we want and sometimes we have to wait.. but I dunno. frick.. i need him so bad.. i dunno what to do and i'm kinda scared and i've got noone to talk to.. damnit.. and it feels like he's not listening and so unresponsive.. frick...

Mitch's wedding.

H'okay soh. For those of you who don't know, I went to my friend Mitchs' wedding this weekend... (aka Meryl's wedding.) And honestly.. it was the best wedding ever. It was just sooo good. Besides the drive.. everything was just amazing. I had the greatest time ever. Gah, at all times, all Carol-Lynne and Tabitha could talk about was their upcoming marriage. SO ANNOYING.. I seriously wanted to punch them both and talk about something else.. especially on the fricken drive to S'toon. They talked about how excited they were to have sex. And whatever, I could've cared less.. but they talked about how they wanted it to be. Honest... I didn't need to know. Praise Jesus for Delia, because once she got in the car, they were too uncomftrable to talk about it infront of her. The biggest reason I loved Mitch's wedding, was because it wasn't just about them, it was about Jesus. Like they involved Him, honestly first wedding I've ever been to that involved God like that. And it made me think of how my wedding will be. Nobody there would understand it. Well unless the people on my husbands side are all christians. Like..noone in my family are christian. And if I was to have a dance.. I can imagine my family asking me why there wasn't a bar.. and looking at me like I did way too much crack when I planned the wedding. It made me real sad. BUT the one thing I thought of, was that for my wedding I'm going to have my brother and my dad walk me down the aisle. And my husband will be wearing a pinstripe suit and be all 1920's gangster style.. yup. haha. shut your face.